April Showers

  

Of snow.  My lilacs bloomed for the first time in 3 or 4 years.  One day, and then the snow came.  Oh well.  They might have survived.  I won’t know until the snow stops and the sun comes back.  

I took a stay-cation last week.  It was very good.  I realized again that I am not quite ready to retire.  I need structure in my life.  I am not enjoying my job that much, but that is really up to me, is it not?  I don’t have to wear the world like a corset, I can wear it like a loose garment.   I tend to cinch up that corset, but there is a possibility that I could change that.  

On Monday of that week off, a realtor was walking the neighborhood trying to drum up business.  I was kneeling on the ground, pruning my roses.  I asked her if she thought my house needed to be painted.  She oohed and aahed and said my house is beautiful.   (maybe I should question her motives for that, but I don’t feel like it.)  She said she would run the numbers on my house and I was pleased to learn that I could sell my house and make a lot of money because the Denver market is so hot.  The problem is, the Denver market is so hot, there is nothing reasonable that I can buy.  She is sending me listings many times every day, but there is only one house that I have been even vaguely interested in.  A little 700 square foot house, on a pretty big lot, in a little wedge of residential area (with NO HOA) between a golf course and the river.  It is formerly a crappy neighborhood, but now an up and comer.  I think that land will be worth a lot of money some day, not far in the future.  The house was built in the 50s, but recently reno’d.  It’s cute.  2 bedrooms, 1 bath.  Why not?  I have to find a minute to go see it.  It will probably be gone by then.

The HOA (of which I am a board member) is walking the neighborhood in May to determine who needs to paint, etc.  I SO do not want to be a part of this, but I have been outnumbered.   I am terribly afraid my house is going to be one they decide needs paint.  I really really really don’t want to paint this year.  I have a number of home repairs I would like to make, and painting is not one of them.  You would have to look pretty close at my house to see that it needs new paint.  It is certainly not an eye-sore, such as some others in the hood – including the home of the man who is driving this endeavor.

In talking with my neighbors, I find that people cannot see their houses as others do.  Funny, that.  One of the worst looking houses is owned out-right (no mortgage) by an eccentric woman who is a world expert on an obscure subject and travels the world.   She told me “my house looks good, maybe the paint is faded on the south side….” Her house is a mess!  And you know what?  I could not care less.  

The property values are astronomical.  So, this HOA has decided to go around and create animosity by telling people what they should do with their houses.   

In other news….Shocked by a couple of relapses in my group, I decided to attend meetings most every day.  I have been going early early most every day.  It is good.  By Friday, it is really hard to get up early and move fast enough to get there by 6:30.  This morning I just could not do it.   But it has been so good to just get there and feel like I am really a part of the group.  

I am also training for a half marathon.  The training just started this week.  I have been sedentary since December 12 of last year when I broke my arm.  Now I am starting small, and hope to be ready for the August 1st half marathon I am registered for.  

I hope you all are well.  I really do miss blogging, but it takes tremendous commitment and lots of time….

xoxoxo,

mary christine.

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This is not a dress rehearsal

This is my actual life.  I don’t know how long it is going to last.  I am wasting time.  Wasting days.  Wasting precious time that God has given me.

I continue to “plug through.”  I consider that I believe this life is a gift from God, and despair to think this is the way I show my appreciation for this gift.  I am stymied.  I don’t know what to do.

I hate my job.  But I know this is not necessary. I can change my attitude, and look at what is good about it.  I know I can.  There is a lot that is good about it.  Like, for instance, the fact that I am sitting at my computer in my jammies at 7:30 a.m., because I can still get to work at a reasonable time even if I “goof around” in the morning.

I don’t want to do it anymore.  I don’t want to chair meetings at work.  I don’t want to prepare for them.  I don’t want to publish volumes of materials that will go in a notebook to show auditors and inspectors, but to be thrown away by the actual audience. I don’t want to have to reiterate everything ever said at every meeting because people did not show up, were late, left early, or just weren’t listening.  I especially don’t want to see evidence that people are lying.  Making shit up.  If you don’t have time to actually do something, just make it up?  Seriously?

I let this all sap my energy.  I feel like all is lost.  I am living in a house I don’t want to live in anymore… now is the time to sell… property values in my little neighborhood are soaring.  But I don’t have the energy to clean the garage, the closets, fix the horrible paint job I did in my bedroom last fall, get the sprinkler system fixed…. etc.  Honestly, I just cannot do it.

Then I remember that I turned my will and my life over to the care of God several decades ago.  Seriously.  I don’t believe you can really rescind that decision.  God has always worked miraculously in my life, so that even non-believers can see it.

So I am waiting for a miracle maybe.  Or I am just stuck in the mud of inaction.

Through the years the major decisions were made clear to me.  I believe God does that for me.  It usually involves my surrender.  God can’t step in where I am still running the show, rowing my own boat, etc.

I have no idea.  I am at a loss.

I don’t want my job

I don’t want my house

I don’t want this life I worked so hard to build for myself.

I want a simple life.  I don’t even care if I am very poor.

God please hold me in the palm of your hand, and please give me the strength to do what you would have me do.

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Plugging out of February

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That’s a pizza I was so impressed with, I took its picture.  Who knows why.  I have no such home-made delight tonight.  I have spent the afternoon in the dentist’s chair, I will wait until the last of the novocaine wears off and order a delivery pizza from the local pizzeria.  It won’t be as good as mine, but it will fill me up tonight.

I’m still not enjoying my job.  It is a long-ass winter.  Record breaking quantities of snow. Nothing like the east coast, but I am sick of it.  I am ready for spring.  I am ready for not working.  I am ready for a different life.

My daughters will be 36 year old on Sunday.   Holy crap.  It seems like yesterday that I was 36!  No, it is 27 years ago.  And my son will be 39 this summer.  My granddaughter will be 15 on the 19th.  Fifteen.  She is a full-blown teenager.  She went to her first high school dance a couple of weeks ago.  Life really moves fast.  Except the getting to retirement part.

This weekend I shall go to a meeting on Saturday morning.  Go to Mass Saturday night with a friend.  Go to dinner after Mass.  Sunday morning, meeting a friend for coffee.  I just need to focus on my free time.

Sorry I don’t have anything great to say.  I’m just tired.

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Plugging through January

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As I left work the other night, I looked at this tree as I often do.  Just as I pulled out my phone to take its picture, a flock of geese came by.  It was a lovely moment.  Can’t you just almost hear the geese?

Last week the cast on my broken left arm was removed.  And now it hurts.  Like hell.  I will have my first physical therapy appointment this afternoon.  I know that will hurt too.  But I have great hope that if I do what I am supposed to do, and diligently, my arm should recover.  The orthopedic surgeon did tell me it will take 3 YEARS though.  Yikes.

This is the first time I have sat down at my computer since early December.  I can type again, and I am grateful for that.  The iPad was a life-saver when I had only one good hand to type with.  It was so interesting to see which words it would suggest.  And sometimes very creepy.  Oh well.  What we trade in for convenience – it is scary.

Each day work is hellish.  I don’t know how I can get through 22 more months of this.  Honestly.  However, I am not in the depressed state I normally get in when I am hating my job.  I do not feel depressed.  What a miracle!  I hate every day of work and increasingly am arguing with people, including people who have the power to fire me on the spot.  Well, that’s probably not true, but they are people who most people won’t argue with.  It is very different when you are a short-timer.  If someone called me this morning and told me my services were no longer needed, I would have a party.  Then put my house up for sale.  hmmmm, that really doesn’t sound so bad.  The last house in my neighborhood that went on the market was sold in 2 days.  For a goooood price.

I’m spending more time in prayer than ever.  Every day I am seriously asking what I should be doing.  So far, I feel I am directed to stay on my current job.  But I feel my days are numbered.  I may not make that 22 month mark.  The month I would get Medicare.  I might have to go and get my own insurance.

Yesterday I was at my old building downtown.  I went to visit my old boss.  We greeted each other so very warmly.  Hugs and “I miss you!”  She was so excited because she had a Christmas present for me.  It was something I love, as she knew I would.  Thank God for living a program, or that bridge would have been burned to the ground.

Last week, the woman who had been my nemesis at my current job came to visit me in my office.  We had what might be called a “heart-to-heart.”  We didn’t talk about our specific relationship, but we talked about relationships in the workplace and how to deal with them.  She has been coming to me since then with day to day issues, problems, asking for advice.  Again, Thank God for living a program, or that bridge would have been blown up and burned and stomped into the ground.

I really feel God’s presence in my life.  Even though I am not particularly enjoying it.  Some sage old AA guy (long deceased) used to say:

The way we feel is not an accurate gauge of our closeness to God.

It’s easy to feel close to God when all is well.  The children are all healthy, wealthy, and beautiful, and so are we.  The career is sailing along.  We have a significant other who loves us.   Plenty of money in the bank.  Etcetera.

But I think we have a great opportunity to learn about God’s will for us when we aren’t having such a swell time.  Realizing this is not injustice.  It is life.  Meditating upon the Passion of Christ will give some perspective on suffering.  Yeah, I don’t think I am suffering.  I am just going through an uncomfortable phase of life.

And I am not depressed?  What the heck occurs here?

Thank you God.

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Third Career

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The hospital is in the middle of a huge remodel project. All of our offices have been moved to temporary quarters. Very unglamorous quarters. Very small quarters. Each morning I walk through one of our old hallways and find it creepy, dark and empty. See photo.

Yesterday I was at work (on a holiday) and found myself in a conversation with a couple of nurse administrators. One of them mentioned CAC training for I don’t remember what reason. I had an epiphany! I could do that!

Which is very weird. In all my sobriety I have not once thought about doing this. In fact, I have a bit of a bias about treatment and counsellors in general. Just in general, I do know there are good facilities and good counsellors.

I think I would be a good one. I think I can get certified before I retire. I think this career would be so different and I think I would like it. I asked my friend the RN who makes personnel decisions every day if there would be any way for a 65 year old newly certified person to get hired. She immediately said yes and rattled off a list of reasons why.

I’m still praying about it. I registered for an informational class in the beginning of February. And I’m feeling kinda excited.

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Monday morning

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Breakfast at the hotel in Rome. There are no words….

Back to work today. Here’s what I endeavor to do: work to the best of my ability, being cognizant that I bring a lot to the table, in my experience, knowledge, and work ethic. I refuse to feel bad about myself, no matter how woefully inadequate any one person is in the face of what I need to get done.

I will trust God that I am where I am supposed to be, until it becomes clear that I should be doing something else.

God and I have been through a lot together, this should be a cinch!

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Back where I belong

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This is a photo of me & my daughter near Positano, Italy. It is a beautiful place and we were blessed with good weather.

Yesterday I got to go to a meeting at my home group. It was my friend’s 30th AA birthday. I cried, several others also were crying. I was somewhat comforted knowing that my friend was reacting much the same way I did when I celebrated 30. Unbelievable gratitude, but a realization of how much of our lives are over. His sponsor, my old boyfriend, is now in a nursing home, and seldom even knows who he is when he visits. So sad.

But what a beautiful thing to have spent such a huge chunk of time living sober. We were all very sick alcoholics and recovery from that is a lifetime job. Thank God we had each other, and still do.

Newer folks sometimes don’t want us to say we are still recovering and still need the program, the fellowship, and God’s help every day. And I see lots of AA members who say they’re only involved in AA to “give back.” Oh yes, we do need to give back, but I need to have fresh, green, sobriety every single day. My alcoholism did not go away, it’s still alive and well and still desires my death.

I’m so glad to be back home, and grateful to still have 3 days off before going back to work.

Happy new year everyone.

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