This is my actual life. I don’t know how long it is going to last. I am wasting time. Wasting days. Wasting precious time that God has given me.
I continue to “plug through.” I consider that I believe this life is a gift from God, and despair to think this is the way I show my appreciation for this gift. I am stymied. I don’t know what to do.
I hate my job. But I know this is not necessary. I can change my attitude, and look at what is good about it. I know I can. There is a lot that is good about it. Like, for instance, the fact that I am sitting at my computer in my jammies at 7:30 a.m., because I can still get to work at a reasonable time even if I “goof around” in the morning.
I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to chair meetings at work. I don’t want to prepare for them. I don’t want to publish volumes of materials that will go in a notebook to show auditors and inspectors, but to be thrown away by the actual audience. I don’t want to have to reiterate everything ever said at every meeting because people did not show up, were late, left early, or just weren’t listening. I especially don’t want to see evidence that people are lying. Making shit up. If you don’t have time to actually do something, just make it up? Seriously?
I let this all sap my energy. I feel like all is lost. I am living in a house I don’t want to live in anymore… now is the time to sell… property values in my little neighborhood are soaring. But I don’t have the energy to clean the garage, the closets, fix the horrible paint job I did in my bedroom last fall, get the sprinkler system fixed…. etc. Honestly, I just cannot do it.
Then I remember that I turned my will and my life over to the care of God several decades ago. Seriously. I don’t believe you can really rescind that decision. God has always worked miraculously in my life, so that even non-believers can see it.
So I am waiting for a miracle maybe. Or I am just stuck in the mud of inaction.
Through the years the major decisions were made clear to me. I believe God does that for me. It usually involves my surrender. God can’t step in where I am still running the show, rowing my own boat, etc.
I have no idea. I am at a loss.
I don’t want my job
I don’t want my house
I don’t want this life I worked so hard to build for myself.
I want a simple life. I don’t even care if I am very poor.
God please hold me in the palm of your hand, and please give me the strength to do what you would have me do.