The Post that Shouldn’t be Written

33.33 years

I noticed last week that my sobriety was heading into the third of a century zone.  I happened to open this app the other day and see this.  One Third of a Century.  I had no one to tell save my daughter.  And even so, she didn’t respond to my text.

I took a quick trip to Montana to see my younger grandkids.  Actually when I left home, I thought I was going to see all of my grandchildren.  When I was half way there, I found out the older ones were not coming because their grandfather (my ex-husband) was having a health emergency and needed all hands on deck.  He had a miraculous recovery on Thanksgiving.  Isn’t that wonderful?  (as your screen drips with sarcasm)

I got to spend Thanksgiving with my son, his wife, their 7 year old daughter, and nearly 5 year old son.  My little grandchildren haven’t been fed a steady diet of disparaging comments about me from birth, so they actually like to see me and cry when I leave.   And I have cried plenty on the two day drive home.

I got to Colorado and cried.  I have always loved to come home, but this time I asked myself in despair, “what am I coming home to?”  It was the worst feeling.  I cried and cried and cried.

I need to make some changes in my life and they have to happen now.  The last couple of years have been a whittling away of all that is good in my life.  The grandkids leaving, my career ending, my AA group turning into a hostile environment.

As I came into Denver, that is what really hurt.  To think that my AA life is now reduced to one meeting a week at my old homegroup with my old peeps.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for that, but it is not what I thought would happen as I aged and stayed sober.

Apparently I still can’t write about this.  I thought I could tonight.  The hurt feels so fresh.  But I consider the one or two people from that group who used to read this blog and I really don’t want them to be privy to my private thoughts.  Oh, yeah, I will tell the whole internet, but not anyone from that group.  I don’t trust that they would care at all, I feel that they would just gossip with the info provided.  And I don’t want to do that.

I am horribly lonely and feel desolate.

I really thought that at this point I would have a host of old old friends.  I did in earlier years.  But that was when I conformed more to the AA dogma.  I was AA’s, my heart, brain, and soul.  As time went on, my soul started to need something much deeper, and it found its home in the Catholic Church – which is routinely mocked in AA circles.  ha ha ha.  My heart would like to have friends who are not as shallow and fickle as my friends in AA have turned out to be.  My brain would like more than a 164 page text to learn from.   When I engage with people, I would like to hear more than cliches and disrespectful insults that people in AA have a tendency to feel entitled to use.

Now my old trusted friends are either dead, demented, or drunk.

If you would like to throw a cliche at me, please just skip it, OK?  Thanks.

I have been in AA and sober continuously for one third of a century and I am pretty familiar with them.

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Posted in Family, Friends, History, Regrets, Retirement, Sobriety, Truth | 15 Comments

Changes

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I am knitting so much that my right hand is painful and virtually useless, and I have knit holes into my left index finger.  The photo above is the beginning of a sweater for my grandson… which will be for my older granddaughter because the gauge was so wrong.  I’ll knit another for my grandson, using better, more expensive yarn.

I went in for my physical last Tuesday.  I was shown my new office.  I have computer access and an e-mail address.  I got a call on Friday morning.  One of the big shots who had signed off on the approval for the position changed his mind.  So there is no job.  I was supposed to start yesterday.  I was so excited about it.

Hospital management is still holding out hope they can demonstrate to this guy that there is money in the budget for me.  This lovely thing called “vacancy savings.”  All the positions that are empty and are not going to be filled.  It’s a lot of money and they always play games with it.  Maybe this time the game will work out for me, but I am not counting on anything right now.  I will tell you that my heart broke a little about this.

I said all the right things to my friends.  It must not be meant to be.  There must be something better God wants me to do.  Etc.

But my heart is broken just a little bit.

My family is in turmoil and that hurts a bit too.  Both of my daughters call me and I commiserate with both of them because I understand both of their points of view, but this sucks.  For any parent who believes that everything will be OK if only their addict stops using, I am here to disabuse you of that delusion.  Thank God she is sober, I thank God every day, but even 9 years of sobriety don’t undo all the damage that was done.

So it is Halloween.  I am writing this between answering the door and giving kids candy.  My sober daughter and her boyfriend are on the way over for dinner.   And I feel horrible that the other daughter is not going to be here.

And the grandkids are in Montana, far, far away.

I’ll snap out of it.  I know I will.  But right now, it just kind of feels icky.

Yes, I am articulate – icky.  That is the best word.

(and you know I have the best words.  I am very intelligent!!!!)

Posted in Family, Knitting, Sobriety, Work | 4 Comments

Life Goes Fast

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Sober Daughter and I canned tomatoes last week.  It was a lovely day.

I’ve had a whole bunch of lovely days.  Amazing days don’t lend themselves to blog posts as well as not so great days.

The weather has turned.  It is suddenly cold rainy fall weather.  I usually like this kind of weather, but after three days of it, I am finding it oppressive.  I tend to spend a bit of time outdoors so I feel a bit like a caged animal.

Last week I got a phone call from my former boss at my long time career job.  It seems they need my help with something and would like me to come back.  She begged me.  Seriously, begged.  She said I could work whatever days and hours I wanted, as much or as little as I wanted.  That I could stay in my office and not talk to anyone or go to any meetings, that I could just tell her what to do and she would do it.  Oh, isn’t this music to my ears?  yes.  I told her there was a large part of me that would like to say “I told you so.  Good luck.”  But a larger part of me would LOVE to come back in a limited way and work on my favorite thing.  And so I said yes.  It will probably take a month or more to get all the bureaucratic I’s dotted and T’s crossed.  We’ll see.

But I immediately feel vindicated.  Like I have a chance to change the ending of that story.  I get to add another chapter.  And I get to earn a lot of money.   I had prayed that morning that it would be nice if God could find me more money.

I am very excited and happy about this.  And anxious to get going.  I think that is why I am feeling so caged now.  There are so many things to get done and I don’t want to sit in this house and knit the project that I have come to hate.  Hate.  Hate.  And I have two of them to do.  Before Christmas.

I guess I will go back to my chair and knit.  And wait for an adventure.

Posted in Food, Gratitude, Knitting, Nature, Prayer, Weather, Work | 3 Comments

Travels

IMG_3006.JPGWhat a wonderful trip I had!  Yellowstone National Park is phenomenal – the real meaning of that word.  So many beautiful things to see and experience.  The above is the Grand Prismatic Spring.  I thought I was taking the trail to the place with an “arial” view, but I didn’t and didn’t have time to take the several mile hike to the other place.

fullsizeoutput_94a.jpegThe yarn store in West Yellowstone had this yarn which was exclusively hand dyed for them.  It is the Grand Prismatic Spring color way.  I cannot wait to knit a shawl out of this!

IMG_3071.JPGThere’s my tent in Yellowstone.  It was really an awesome experience for me.  I was so afraid of animals, and afraid of my body and how it would live through a night in a tent.   It is so good to have done this and realize that I CAN DO IT.  I was so worried and some of my worries were realized, but I lived through it and I can say I truly enjoyed myself.  I did wake up freezing the first night in spite of my sleeping bag, air mattress, and very good Smartwool long underwear.  I put on a hoodie and a hat, and covered the sleeping bag with everything else I had in the tent.  The next night, I wore more layers which may have helped.  My back was really bothering me, so I wrapped my back in one of the ThermaCare wraps I had packed, and was warm all night!

I got to see all four of my grandchildren.  The older two are teenagers and very difficult to get to see as they live with my ex-husband and are very busy with school and sports.  I would say the ex made it difficult.  I choose not to spend a lot of time on that.  Those girls are old enough that it won’t be long until we will be able to visit freely.  But that time is not now.

The little ones just make my heart sing.  To be able to spend three days with them was just heavenly.  When I got there, they were out in the driveway jumping up and down, they were so excited to see me.  When I left, they hung on my legs crying and begging me not to leave.  My son told them to knock it off because I was crying, but I told him it was a wonderful kind of crying.  What a loving, kind, peaceful family.  No sniping, no sarcasm, no yelling, no tension crackling in the air.  Just love and caring.  Amazing.  I have a bedroom there and I sleep better there than anywhere else.  I just feel so comfortable and safe – and loved.  It is sad to leave there, but I am oh, so grateful that I can go there.

I was feeling like my life was over before I went on this trip.  I felt that my body had betrayed me and was making me old.  I was truly expecting death in a few years.  That may truly happen, no one knows the hour, right?  But I feel alive now.  After a night at my son’s house, my back had stopped hurting so bad.  Many of my ailments have gone away.  I think that is because I stopped taking that terrible medication.  But it was so reaffirming to go do something kind of hard and kind of daring.  It was good for me to push the envelope if you will.  I feel strong and capable right now.  Not a feeble old woman.

And now I shall start to study the Latin textbooks that arrived in my absence.  When I look at them, I realize how little Latin I retained from high school.  But I am about to learn again.  So exciting!

Life feels good again.  God is so good.

Posted in Family, Fear, Gratitude, Health, Travel | 10 Comments

Heading Out

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That’s a whole bed full of stuff I am taking on my trip. Believe me, there is a lot more than this!

I was so stressed about trying to get to Yellowstone in one day, I decided to book a room.  My young neighbor coached me through signing up on Airbnb, and helped me find a place to stay in Wyoming for tonight.  Someone’s basement for $45.  Sounds funky, but I didn’t want to spend over $100 for a room just so I could sleep for a few hours.  The reviews are all good for this lady, so it should be ok?  I’ll let you know what I think.

Yesterday I purchased a sketchpad and some fancy colored pencils that you can use with water if desired.  I did a little sketch/painting of a rose last night and I am super excited about trying some landscapes on my trip to YNP.

I am just super excited all the way around.  I will probably post a couple of times while I am gone because I will be alone a lot and I am thinking I might have some time on my hands.  To hike, pray, paint, knit, and blog!  When I am not hanging out with my grandchildren!!!!

Please say a pray that none of the bears find me particularly appealing.  Thanks!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Nothing So Boring…

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As listening to someone’s list of ailments.  So I will stop.   Or at least try to…

The end of summer roses are already in bloom.  It is too early for this.  The crickets started their lovely nighttime serenade about a week early this year.  I usually count on it beginning, like clockwork, on August 1.  I don’t think I would mind having an early autumn – at all.  It is my favorite season.

My doctor told me off on Thursday.  She said my ailments are all because I am 65 and my body isn’t working right.  It isn’t working right, says she, because of the toxic state of our environment.  She said it was hopeless, that even moving to Iceland wouldn’t help.  When I started crying, she asked if I was in therapy, and when I said no, she wrote a referral.  Holy crap.  I did make an appointment with a new psychologist – my beloved psychologist retired 2 days after I retired.  I will see the new one next week.  I did stop the fosamax, she wouldn’t tell me whether I should or not, but I feel I shouldn’t take it.  I feel like I was in great health until I found out I have osteoporosis and then started that medication, and it has been downhill since then…. a shockingly rapid downhill.   I also feel I need a new doctor, and that kind of breaks my heart.

So this morning I shall go to Mass, and then go on my rounds to take communion to the homebound.  This ministry has been a wonderful blessing to me.  I love these older people.  I am also developing some opinions on how I want to live as I age.  Almost invariably these houses are all sealed up like tombs and so hot it is nearly unbearable.  I know the older folks get cold easily, but it cannot be good for you to be cooped up like that 24/7.  One of them lives in a beautiful home on a hill with an incredibly gorgeous view of the front range of the Rocky Mountains.  There is a lovely deck that never gets used.  Can someone wheel her outside so she can watch a sunset?   I hope so.

I have been asked to be a teachers aide at an elementary school age Latin class at my church!  How awesome is that!  I am so excited!  I’ll be taking my “Safe Environment” training next week.

It’s Sunday, it looks like it is going to be a gorgeous day, and I am going to endeavor to enjoy every second of it.  And I hope you do too!

 

 

Posted in Aging, Health, Ministry, Roses, Weather | 9 Comments

Tuesday Morning

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Little Ginger Kitty (Gigi) on the front porch

I am writing right now because my right hand hurts too much to knit. Seriously, this is ridiculous. I am beginning to feel like Job. But Job was gracious and faithful when he said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” — Job 1:21

No, I am not gracious and faithful like Job, I am grumbling a bit.  I made an appointment to see my doctor and started making a list of things that are going awry with my body.  There are ten things on the list – so far.  Some are pretty huge, like chronic severe back pain.  Oh, and loss of use of my right hand?  I would call that major.  Some are not so major?  Just pain.  Dizziness.  Hair loss.

It is my belief that these problems are being caused by Fosamax.  I started it 14 weeks ago.  In that time, I feel like I have gone from being a healthy, energetic, active, fairly happy person – to being an old woman who isn’t able or willing to do a whole lot of the things I love.

It seems like rather a cruel irony that I happily anticipated retirement because then I would have time to do the simple things I love.  Nothing huge like traveling the world or jumping out of airplanes.  Just going to mass in the morning, being more present in my loved ones’ lives, knitting, sewing, cooking, gardening, and triathloning.   And the time is here and I don’t feel well enough to do most of these things most days.  In the last month some vague and nebulous aches have turned into big fat problems.  I just don’t feel good at all!

Tomorrow I shall see my doc.  My hope is that she will say “Gosh!  Most or all of this is being caused by Fosamax!  Just stop taking it right now!”   That’s my hope.  But I am a bit worried, and I need to get it checked out.

Now maybe if I stop taking Fosamax I will find out we don’t actually have a hateful lunatic in the White House?  You think that could happen?  OK, never mind.  But I am done being quiet about it.

Please, if you can, say a prayer for me?  I either need to get well or get OK with not being well.  Or get good with God’s will…. hummmmm, that has always worked before, maybe it will be again?

Thanks.  xoxox

Posted in Aging, Cat, Faith, Health, Knitting, Osteoporosis, Retirement, Truth | 4 Comments