I retired for the third time on September 5. The next day was the 24th anniversary of the first day I started at the hospital. This time when I retired, I felt the way people are probably supposed to feel. A little bit sad, and feeling very reflective about all the years I had spent there. Thinking about the young woman who started there and the old woman who drove away on that rainy Wednesday afternoon.
All summer long, I just wanted to be off work. But when I truly walked out the door, I was sad and dreading the months to come somewhat. This is not my first go-round and I know the perils that lay ahead.
Although it has hurt me almost physically, I have gone to mass nearly every day. It is a hard time to be a faithful Catholic. To realize that when you have been “playing by the rules,” and acting the way you have been taught is right, you might be in a terribly small minority. That is painful. To think that I may have confessed a small sin, bordering on scrupulosity, to a priest who may have been sexually abusing children, or at least participating in a culture that is tolerant of such behavior – produces a lot of anger in me.
Have almost walked out of mass a couple of times. Most recently on Sunday at a nearby parish, that I really don’t normally feel happy attending, when one of our prayers was “for the victims of abuse in the church.” Yeah, I almost stood up and yelled and stomped off. But I didn’t.
How bout we stop praying for the victims and stop creating new ones? How bout we stop promoting people who have participated in the culture, if not the actual abuse? How bout they get evicted from their palatial homes and live like the rest of us? How bout they take off their fancy red hats and silk garments?
The church is calling for OUR repentance on behalf of the church, but I see very little clerical repentance. It is time. It is past time.
I have decided to start blogging again, but I am not very clear what I am doing here now. At one time I had a blog really directed at people who needed to get sober or were in early sobriety. As time passed, I realized that I was probably not the best person for that message. At one point, I had another blog about fitness, to talk about training and races, and that was super fun. I met a lot of really nice people, and learned a lot about marathons. For a very brief period, I started a real Catholic blog. It was terrifying, and I backed out of those waters quite quickly. In 2012, when I was going through the worst depression of my life, I started this blog. I just wanted to blog honestly about being a Sober Catholic. And now I can add “senior” to that description. Gross.
I felt at that time that the term “sober” was a qualifier to the Catholic. Like somehow a Catholic who wasn’t perfect like the rest. That I am an alcoholic, and got sober, and in spite of that, I am still trying to be a Catholic.
Now I feel that if more people were “sober” instead of besotted by lust or deviance, we might just have a better church. I will gladly proclaim my sobriety and my Catholicism.
I hope I get some readers. I miss blogging. I promise I will be more cheery someday.