The photo is from my Friday hike. It’s been so hot and dry, as you can plainly see. But the clouds moved in and we got over 2 inches of rain over a two day period.
I usually write my best friend who lives in England an e-mail every morning. Lately she has been responding with one or two sentences that don’t say anything but “I’m so tired. I am going to bed.” Or “The dog is in the garden, I must go.” She got very upset with me a week or so ago. Although we hashed it out and I apologized for a thoughtless comment, and we agreed to let it go, it appears she hasn’t let it go.
The days of begging for someone’s friendship are gone. She can come back to me, but I have had enough apologizing. I can’t take it back.
I mentioned something that happened 30 years ago, just in passing, and she took that to mean that I have been harboring resentment for 30 years. Which I hadn’t. And am not. I thought it was a funny moment from our past. She was apparently devastated that I would bring up such a thing (which I thought was just a funny memory). She asked why I hadn’t talked to her about it before. Because it was nothing.
Oh, relationships are fraught with peril. This one always has been. And yet, all these years, 34 of them, we have called each other best friends. Right at this moment, I know from experience, I just need to back off. She has a lot going on. She has health problems, and she has family problems.
Did I mention that she was the person who made the twelfth step phone call and visit that first day I called AA? She was. I believe there was not another soul on earth who could have reached me that day. We have been fast friends ever since. It was the only twelfth step work she ever did. She has been drinking since maybe 1999.
So for today, I will love her from a distance. I know who she is. Her anger and absence no longer devastate me like they used to.
And maybe I could get back into the habit of blogging?
There is no waste in God’s economy.