Gigi is kind of cute when she isn’t hissing or biting, huh?
Just thought I would pop in and post a tiny post about working. I last wrote in my first week of work, when it all seemed so glorious. Then the second week came, and all I could think was “what the hell was I thinking?” The third week was OK because I had to go back to the drawing board and remember that I swore I would “wear this job like a loose garment.”
I walk around the hospital a lot. I also work a lot, but I try to get up about once an hour and walk around. Sometimes I see people who are happy to see me and hug me and we chat and that is lovely. Sometimes I walk by offices where I used to work. Some are happy memories, but the last several years there were mostly not good. The memories of the situation that necessitated my leaving have come back to me, and I have become angry that it was handled the way it was. But I mainly tell myself that I cannot afford to go there. I really can’t. I spent absolutely no time “processing” this after I retired. And I am convinced that was and is a good decision.
Processing was a big thing in the 60s and 70s, and I was all in. But as my focus turns from “recovery” to “faith,” many of my old ideas are changing. Expressing rage and plumbing its depths has never been productive in my life. Seriously. Screaming and “blowing off steam,” for me, has only been fuel for the fire. I have found that if I quietly pray for God to help me and try to turn my thoughts to others, I am so much happier.
This is sort of the approach I am now taking with work. I am good, but I am only so good. I am not perfect. I work hard and I believe I am uniquely suited to do what I am doing and that is a great asset to the hospital. But staying later, working more days than I had intended, coming in earlier instead of going to Mass, all these things are not necessary and not productive.
I am profoundly grateful for this opportunity to make a fair bit of money. But I am willing to let go of it today if needed. And that helps me to be happy and peaceful and closer to God. And in the end, that is all I want.