I noticed last week that my sobriety was heading into the third of a century zone. I happened to open this app the other day and see this. One Third of a Century. I had no one to tell save my daughter. And even so, she didn’t respond to my text.
I took a quick trip to Montana to see my younger grandkids. Actually when I left home, I thought I was going to see all of my grandchildren. When I was half way there, I found out the older ones were not coming because their grandfather (my ex-husband) was having a health emergency and needed all hands on deck. He had a miraculous recovery on Thanksgiving. Isn’t that wonderful? (as your screen drips with sarcasm)
I got to spend Thanksgiving with my son, his wife, their 7 year old daughter, and nearly 5 year old son. My little grandchildren haven’t been fed a steady diet of disparaging comments about me from birth, so they actually like to see me and cry when I leave. And I have cried plenty on the two day drive home.
I got to Colorado and cried. I have always loved to come home, but this time I asked myself in despair, “what am I coming home to?” It was the worst feeling. I cried and cried and cried.
I need to make some changes in my life and they have to happen now. The last couple of years have been a whittling away of all that is good in my life. The grandkids leaving, my career ending, my AA group turning into a hostile environment.
As I came into Denver, that is what really hurt. To think that my AA life is now reduced to one meeting a week at my old homegroup with my old peeps. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for that, but it is not what I thought would happen as I aged and stayed sober.
Apparently I still can’t write about this. I thought I could tonight. The hurt feels so fresh. But I consider the one or two people from that group who used to read this blog and I really don’t want them to be privy to my private thoughts. Oh, yeah, I will tell the whole internet, but not anyone from that group. I don’t trust that they would care at all, I feel that they would just gossip with the info provided. And I don’t want to do that.
I am horribly lonely and feel desolate.
I really thought that at this point I would have a host of old old friends. I did in earlier years. But that was when I conformed more to the AA dogma. I was AA’s, my heart, brain, and soul. As time went on, my soul started to need something much deeper, and it found its home in the Catholic Church – which is routinely mocked in AA circles. ha ha ha. My heart would like to have friends who are not as shallow and fickle as my friends in AA have turned out to be. My brain would like more than a 164 page text to learn from. When I engage with people, I would like to hear more than cliches and disrespectful insults that people in AA have a tendency to feel entitled to use.
Now my old trusted friends are either dead, demented, or drunk.
If you would like to throw a cliche at me, please just skip it, OK? Thanks.
I have been in AA and sober continuously for one third of a century and I am pretty familiar with them.