The Post that Shouldn’t be Written

33.33 years

I noticed last week that my sobriety was heading into the third of a century zone.  I happened to open this app the other day and see this.  One Third of a Century.  I had no one to tell save my daughter.  And even so, she didn’t respond to my text.

I took a quick trip to Montana to see my younger grandkids.  Actually when I left home, I thought I was going to see all of my grandchildren.  When I was half way there, I found out the older ones were not coming because their grandfather (my ex-husband) was having a health emergency and needed all hands on deck.  He had a miraculous recovery on Thanksgiving.  Isn’t that wonderful?  (as your screen drips with sarcasm)

I got to spend Thanksgiving with my son, his wife, their 7 year old daughter, and nearly 5 year old son.  My little grandchildren haven’t been fed a steady diet of disparaging comments about me from birth, so they actually like to see me and cry when I leave.   And I have cried plenty on the two day drive home.

I got to Colorado and cried.  I have always loved to come home, but this time I asked myself in despair, “what am I coming home to?”  It was the worst feeling.  I cried and cried and cried.

I need to make some changes in my life and they have to happen now.  The last couple of years have been a whittling away of all that is good in my life.  The grandkids leaving, my career ending, my AA group turning into a hostile environment.

As I came into Denver, that is what really hurt.  To think that my AA life is now reduced to one meeting a week at my old homegroup with my old peeps.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for that, but it is not what I thought would happen as I aged and stayed sober.

Apparently I still can’t write about this.  I thought I could tonight.  The hurt feels so fresh.  But I consider the one or two people from that group who used to read this blog and I really don’t want them to be privy to my private thoughts.  Oh, yeah, I will tell the whole internet, but not anyone from that group.  I don’t trust that they would care at all, I feel that they would just gossip with the info provided.  And I don’t want to do that.

I am horribly lonely and feel desolate.

I really thought that at this point I would have a host of old old friends.  I did in earlier years.  But that was when I conformed more to the AA dogma.  I was AA’s, my heart, brain, and soul.  As time went on, my soul started to need something much deeper, and it found its home in the Catholic Church – which is routinely mocked in AA circles.  ha ha ha.  My heart would like to have friends who are not as shallow and fickle as my friends in AA have turned out to be.  My brain would like more than a 164 page text to learn from.   When I engage with people, I would like to hear more than cliches and disrespectful insults that people in AA have a tendency to feel entitled to use.

Now my old trusted friends are either dead, demented, or drunk.

If you would like to throw a cliche at me, please just skip it, OK?  Thanks.

I have been in AA and sober continuously for one third of a century and I am pretty familiar with them.

This entry was posted in Family, Friends, History, Regrets, Retirement, Sobriety, Truth. Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to The Post that Shouldn’t be Written

  1. Nancy says:

    Mary, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I know some of these feelings, and for me, it is hard when I am feeling them. I am nearing the end of my career, and it’s not what I imagined. And having loved ones live far away makes me question my very existence sometimes. I’ve just returned home, and a couple of days in my own little place will help me. Peace to you.

    • Nancy, Thank you very much for your kind comment. I hope that I couple of days in my own little place may help me. I’m pretty sure they will. Thank you for the encouragement, I really need it. – Mary

  2. Hopester says:

    Hugs to you dear Mary. I find the cliches hard, too. I wish I could come for a cup of tea and bring my crocheting and we could spend some time working on our projects in that lovely quiet way you can do with a friend with snippets of conversation and periods of silence, enjoying one another’s company.

  3. Annette says:

    Awww Mary. You sound lonely and sad. The holidays bring that out in me. I’m amazed at different everything feels with a baby in the family. I love the 12 steps and my program….BUT…I have watched Alanon, and I would imagine this kind of sh*t goes on in any 12 step mtg….take on a resemblance to the drama and dogma of religion or church. It makes me sad. I want to tell everyone to be quiet and not ruin this program for me! I NEED my program… but my gosh, sometimes it can get ugly!

  4. I am in the middle of a lot of ugly. Oh well.

    Imagine that baby moving a thousand miles away and you might be able to imagine my sadness about my grandchildren. So sad.

  5. SUSAN MASSON says:

    I have been sober coming up on 31 years, and I know exactly what you are talking about! I now make 1 meeting a week, whether I need it or not! I converted to Catholicism several years ago, and I get my true spiritual education through the Church. The AA meeting that I attend is too afraid to speak of spirituality through religion; might scare away the newcomer, you know. And of course the Catholic bashing is a required sit-through. I sit through the meeting, try to listen to half assed amends and relapsers returns. I do hear shares from the heart, but, like I said I get my true spiritual growth from mass. Hang in there —- life has many beautiful moments and they do come often.

  6. Hope you’re feeling better today Mary. I’m on my 2nd year of retirement and it’s not what I thought it would be. Change can be so hard.

    • Sandra, I wish you were still blogging. I would love to read about how you are doing this. This may be the toughest change I have ever faced. So weird, I thought it would be nothing because I have so many hobbies and things I love to do. And I don’t feel my self-esteem was tied up in my career. But living without purpose is a horrible thing!

      • I’m still blogging Mary, it’s just sporadic and based on exploring. On a retirees salary, I can only travel so much. I had little to no hobbies when I retired and have had to push myself to try new things. I’m also trying to fit into a new small town after living in a very large city. I’m not sure if you are a reader or not, but may I recommend a great book? Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown (free at the library). I took the contents and redirected it to retirement, instead of a job. It really helped me get clear on what I want out of retirement. I found we still need to have goals, directions, and purpose in retirement, they’re just different and the’re for us. If you ever want to chat “retirement” let me know, I’ll give you my email address :0) Sandra

    • Sandra, I would love to have your e-mail address. Thanks! Mary

  7. mla5073 says:

    Oh Mary, I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Prayers for you and your family. I miss blogging, but can’t write openly because I have’ real-life’ acquaintances reading me who might post something on Facebook. Privacy is such an issue now. And the AA meetings now are unrecognisable from those I went to years ago. Change everywhere.

    Do take care, you are in my thoughts and prayers along with your family. And at this time of year so many of us find depression sneaking in the back door.

    Mary

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