I am knitting so much that my right hand is painful and virtually useless, and I have knit holes into my left index finger.  The photo above is the beginning of a sweater for my grandson… which will be for my older granddaughter because the gauge was so wrong.  I’ll knit another for my grandson, using better, more expensive yarn.

I went in for my physical last Tuesday.  I was shown my new office.  I have computer access and an e-mail address.  I got a call on Friday morning.  One of the big shots who had signed off on the approval for the position changed his mind.  So there is no job.  I was supposed to start yesterday.  I was so excited about it.

Hospital management is still holding out hope they can demonstrate to this guy that there is money in the budget for me.  This lovely thing called “vacancy savings.”  All the positions that are empty and are not going to be filled.  It’s a lot of money and they always play games with it.  Maybe this time the game will work out for me, but I am not counting on anything right now.  I will tell you that my heart broke a little about this.

I said all the right things to my friends.  It must not be meant to be.  There must be something better God wants me to do.  Etc.

But my heart is broken just a little bit.

My family is in turmoil and that hurts a bit too.  Both of my daughters call me and I commiserate with both of them because I understand both of their points of view, but this sucks.  For any parent who believes that everything will be OK if only their addict stops using, I am here to disabuse you of that delusion.  Thank God she is sober, I thank God every day, but even 9 years of sobriety don’t undo all the damage that was done.

So it is Halloween.  I am writing this between answering the door and giving kids candy.  My sober daughter and her boyfriend are on the way over for dinner.   And I feel horrible that the other daughter is not going to be here.

And the grandkids are in Montana, far, far away.

I’ll snap out of it.  I know I will.  But right now, it just kind of feels icky.

Yes, I am articulate – icky.  That is the best word.

(and you know I have the best words.  I am very intelligent!!!!)

This entry was posted in Family, Knitting, Sobriety, Work. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Changes

  1. Annette says:

    It seems when you have more than one child, never is everyone all ok at the same moment. We love our kids….when they are struggling in whatever ways, and especially if its with each other, it affects us. How can it not? Sobriety is just the tip of the iceberg. I am so sorry about the job. I admire your knitting talent so so much. I am tired and fighting a depression…..that doesn’t come up for me very often anymore, but it is here now. Like you, I will be ok. Its just so “icky” right now, in the moment. Love you Mary. Thanks for keeping on writing….I love being the recipient. ❤️

  2. Daisyanon says:

    So sorry about the job, hope it all works out.

  3. atomicmomma says:

    Bummer on the job. I know we need to let go and all things but disappointment is disappointment.

    The color of your yarn is beautiful. I’ve got socks on the needles and been dabbling in my first Fair Isle color work. Doing a practice swatch. I like the soothing combination of knitting with both hands and wrapping.

    As for your kids….they need to work it out. We only have one child so I don’t know how it feels to manage that tug of war. I will say that having had conflict with siblings I realized one day that I was an adult and I needed to grow up and deal with it and leave my parents out of it.

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