My long-time boyfriend died yesterday. I have such mixed feeling about this. Mostly though, if I’m honest, I feel relief that his years in a nursing home are over. The last time I visited him he didn’t know who I was. I should have gone back, but I didn’t.
Life’s really complicated. We had an extremely complicated relationship. It involved marriages to other people in the middle of it. We picked up where we left off once we were both divorced (and not one second before). His ex is my friend. My ex was his friend.
He hurt me very deeply and I’m quite certain I will never be over that. He was a liar. He would admit it. When we were first dating and I realized he had been lying to me, I confronted him. Actually I pinned him to the floor in his living room and asked him if he would lie even if telling the truth was easier – and he admitted he would.
He was a former Hells Angel. He was a former atheist. He probably helped more people in Alcoholics Anonymous than any 10 other people I’ve known put together. He could be very tender, which would lead the innocent into proclaiming that he was a “big teddy bear,” but they would be sorely mistaken. He was as mean as a snake. And he could turn on a dime.
He was sober 42 + years. He was really sober and that was his life’s work. His greatest heartbreak came when his son died of a heroin overdose. He might as well have died right then. His life was officially over.
He helped my daughter so much as she was getting sober. She hung out with his son when he was sober. They were two of a kind. And Ed and I were two of a kind. No, it doesn’t look like it on the outside, but we recognized each other. We were kindred souls.
He was an AA luminary, but laughed when I called him that. The hangers-on are all over Facebook today spewing their half-truths and legends about him. It makes me sadder-than-sad.
Rest in Peace Big Ed. You were one of a kind. I’m probably one of the many who would not be sober without your help. I loved you.