Just browsed my photo stream for something to post here. Found my latest skein of yarn. I have not finished anything since February. Never in my life have I lost my enthusiasm for knitting, but I have now. I thought I would make a shawl out of the above yarn. But then I decided to finish the shawl I started in March. It is soul destroying knitting. Off white yarn. A fairly complex pattern that is very repetitive. Not the kind of knitting you can do while having much of a conversation or watching tv. Perhaps when I retire, I will be able to knit again?
I am seeing the retirement people today at 1:30. YIPEE!!!! I am slightly afraid that I will find out there is no way on God’s green earth I can retire now. Even though I know that is not going to happen. I am gut wrenchingly scared. I pray all day long. I feel that God has led me here. But I am still frightened.
My darling sober daughter is leaving tomorrow for Montana. To move there. She has no money, no place to live, and no job. Oh yeah, I feel like I’m going to puke. I spoke with her for a long time on Saturday. I urged her to re-think this, or at least postpone until she has a few bucks in her pocket and maybe an idea of where she is going. She is convinced she is doing the right thing. She is getting rid of almost everything she owns because she can’t afford a moving truck. Oh dear Lord, I just feel sick.
But then I remember when I was her age. I was doing similar things with my crazy life. At five and a half years sober, I moved to Canada with a man I just met! I kept only a minimum of my possessions, and put them into storage. I remember my step mother calling and telling me I was “killing my dad” because he was so worried about me. I thought that was an odd time for him to start worrying about me, and told her so, causing a huge family disruption. That whole chapter of my life is not something I would recommend to anyone. But my daughter is an adult woman. I cannot keep her here. I cannot make this be right for her. I don’t have thousands of dollars to give her so she can get “a start.” She is incredibly resourceful. But I think naive. Somehow she managed to live through 15 years of meth addiction, and that is no minor feat. And then she got sober, again, no minor feat. If this is her Waterloo, then I guess it is. But you cannot absolutely not blame a woman for trying to move close to her kids. And that is where her kids are. God bless her.
My boss took me to Elway’s for lunch yesterday. It was super fun. I thought she would cancel after all we have been through in the last couple of weeks, but she was true to her word. She told me months ago she would take me there for lunch in appreciation for all the help I had been to her earlier this year. We did talk about work a little bit, but mostly we both talked about how much we want to retire. She started a few years after me, and the rules changed in that time. She has to wait a long time before she can retire. I am so happy that I don’t have to wait.
I am meeting a friend at a great Italian restaurant after my meeting this afternoon. It is a real Italian restaurant, with food like you actually get in Italy. Wonderful owners from Italy, who barely speak English. I am looking forward to this!
If you are so inclined, could you say a prayer for me – and my sweet daughter?