Last week was horrible. I hate to keep saying things like that, it is tiresome. It is beyond tiresome for me to keep feeling this way. As I drove to work on Friday I had thoughts of suicide. I would have rather died than go to work! But I went to work. And had the worst day in my career, seriously. I won’t go into details because they are too gory.
I cried until my eyes were swollen mostly shut on Saturday. I went to a meeting. I talked with friends. I asked for help. I got plenty. I ended up talking with two men who are in their first year of sobriety for over an hour. That was immensely helpful. I love them both, and they love me too. They have a different perspective on life than I do. They are closer to the disease and its horrible consequences. They are amazed I didn’t want to drink. Hell, that is the absolute very LAST thing I would want to do. But I don’t think I was really grateful for that until I had that conversation.
As I talked with people, it became clear that it is simply time for me to go. My sponsor said that God apparently needs to shout at me to get my attention. Because he has been nudging. But I have been going along on self-will, deciding that I HAVE to work for another year. I need the money, and make no mistake, I need the money. But I don’t need money bad enough to go somewhere every day where death seems like a more attractive option in the morning.
I am meeting with the retirement people on August 5, that was the earliest appointment I could get. I believe that after that meeting, I can give notice and retire at the end of August. In 6 weeks. But I can’t tell them that, even though I would love to, until I know for absolutely sure that I can start getting a retirement check in October. I am about 99% sure that I can.
And then I exhaled. It feels like I haven’t done that for a while. Like years.
Every woman over 60 I talked to seemed to have either had this same experience, or knew many others who did. This is a common experience. I am not alone. My sister told me last night, “every job has an end, and this is the end of this job. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It is just time to move on.”
It is clear that I am no longer valued in my workplace. Oh, what a wound! I thought my heart would just stop beating. But it didn’t. I feel better now than I have for a very long time. What a relief!
Thank you Heavenly Father for carrying me for all these years. I know I don’t need to ask you to continue, but I will anyway. And I will thank you with every fiber of my being for your wondrous ways.