Yesterday my dear sweet sober daughter drove me to the clinic for a colonoscopy. I haven’t had one since 2002, though I am supposed to have them every 5 years. One of my dear friends in AA’s wife is dying of cancer. She refused to have this test and they didn’t find her cancer until it was extremely advanced. She has lasted two years since her diagnosis, but they have been recently told that there is nothing more that they can do. Bless them.
I must return to work this morning. My hands perspire just writing that. I am so done with this. Financially I must hang in there for at least another 14 months. Emotionally, I would love to walk in today and say “Sorry, I am just not feelin it anymore, gotta go.” Mentally, I am tired, tired, tired. And spiritually, I wish I could go to Mass every day, right after an early morning AA meeting. And spend time with newcomers and sponsees. Go to coffee. Have lunch. An afternoon nap.
I told my daughter yesterday “I’m not depressed, I am unhappy.” Luckily, she, cut from the same bolt of cloth as I, knew exactly what I was talking about.
Oh, and before you remind me, I know I am being ungrateful. I just can’t THINK myself grateful, but I can ACT myself grateful. So, here is the plan for today….
- Turn my thoughts to others
- Try to reach out to one of my brothers who is having difficulty
- Work my butt off
- Start with a list this morning, because I have been off work for most of the month!
- Start a new project at work which might be stimulating
- Come home and get on the treadmill, have a healthy dinner and turn in for another day.
Give thanks in all circumstances says my favorite biblical verse. I shall try.
I miss my family. I miss those little grandbabies with their little clammy hands around my neck. I miss the days at work when I enjoyed my job. I miss all my friends who have retired.
Surrender gracefully the things of youth – when I was 18 that sounded really good. I had no idea that most of the good things in life are the “things of youth.”
Sorry, I will get over it.