This is not a dress rehearsal

This is my actual life.  I don’t know how long it is going to last.  I am wasting time.  Wasting days.  Wasting precious time that God has given me.

I continue to “plug through.”  I consider that I believe this life is a gift from God, and despair to think this is the way I show my appreciation for this gift.  I am stymied.  I don’t know what to do.

I hate my job.  But I know this is not necessary. I can change my attitude, and look at what is good about it.  I know I can.  There is a lot that is good about it.  Like, for instance, the fact that I am sitting at my computer in my jammies at 7:30 a.m., because I can still get to work at a reasonable time even if I “goof around” in the morning.

I don’t want to do it anymore.  I don’t want to chair meetings at work.  I don’t want to prepare for them.  I don’t want to publish volumes of materials that will go in a notebook to show auditors and inspectors, but to be thrown away by the actual audience. I don’t want to have to reiterate everything ever said at every meeting because people did not show up, were late, left early, or just weren’t listening.  I especially don’t want to see evidence that people are lying.  Making shit up.  If you don’t have time to actually do something, just make it up?  Seriously?

I let this all sap my energy.  I feel like all is lost.  I am living in a house I don’t want to live in anymore… now is the time to sell… property values in my little neighborhood are soaring.  But I don’t have the energy to clean the garage, the closets, fix the horrible paint job I did in my bedroom last fall, get the sprinkler system fixed…. etc.  Honestly, I just cannot do it.

Then I remember that I turned my will and my life over to the care of God several decades ago.  Seriously.  I don’t believe you can really rescind that decision.  God has always worked miraculously in my life, so that even non-believers can see it.

So I am waiting for a miracle maybe.  Or I am just stuck in the mud of inaction.

Through the years the major decisions were made clear to me.  I believe God does that for me.  It usually involves my surrender.  God can’t step in where I am still running the show, rowing my own boat, etc.

I have no idea.  I am at a loss.

I don’t want my job

I don’t want my house

I don’t want this life I worked so hard to build for myself.

I want a simple life.  I don’t even care if I am very poor.

God please hold me in the palm of your hand, and please give me the strength to do what you would have me do.

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6 Responses to This is not a dress rehearsal

  1. Syd says:

    MC, I also think that HP wants us to think for ourselves and do for ourselves. Follow your gut. It has been the signs my HP has given to me, and I haven’t regretted following them. The times my intuition wasn’t followed–well, those were the ones that filled me with regret. If you feel the way you do, then set a resignation date; contact a realtor; put one foot in front of the other until you move towards your goals. Sending good thoughts to you.

  2. Dede says:

    Praying for you. I hope you find the answers you need.

  3. Nancy Grigsby says:

    And God give you the strength and courage to do what is in your heart to do. Prayers for you.
    Nancy in Cali

  4. Mary LA says:

    It sounds as if you are on the brink of change and just need to take the first step. You’re in my prayers.

  5. Lois Barrett says:

    Hi MC, this morning I woke up with the strong thought, “Look at MC’s blog,” which I’m sure was a God-shot, because I haven’t looked at your blog for over a year! I couldn’t believe what I read in this post. I felt I was reading, verbatim, my own recent thoughts and feelings – the feeling of being SO VERY DONE with the current situation, but lacking the ability to change. Immobilized by exhaustion, lack of vision, and fear. At least that’s how it’s been for me. A few weeks have passed since you wrote this post, and I hope you’re feeling better by now. I pray you’re not feeling worse. But I want to encourage you, because I truly believe that the voice that says, “I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE” is the voice of your truest and wisest self. It’s a voice that knows something in your life is no longer serving the woman God has re-created, at midlife, in you. I’ve known so many midlife women who’ve been surprised and disturbed by this very same voice, and who eventually make the change (though usually against the better judgment of their common sense and fears!). But it’s spring…maybe new life is in store for you. Thank you for your wonderful blog, your honesty, and sharing your wisdom. xo

  6. Ruviana says:

    Hi Mary Christine:
    I drop by now and again to see how it’s going and I hope you are keeping on. But I’ve been wanting to say for awhile–ask a realtor to appraise your house. It doesn’t commit you to anything. He or she can tell you if it’s worth the bother to paint that room. It doesn’t mean you have to sell it. But it’ll give you a step and some information and maybe that might point you in some direction. And also, warmer times are better in the house biz (full disclosure, my brother’s a realtor so I hear about this stuff). It might be time now to begin to look at the paths appearing.

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