Monday Holiday

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It’s a Monday Holiday.  Columbus Day.   I am at home with kitty.  She’s a good girl.  After seven months with me, she has grown quite affectionate, and doesn’t hide so much.

The blog has felt like something that takes too much time.  I am working out almost every morning and that requires a certain amount of discipline.  I just don’t feel like I have the time to sit down and write something meaningful here.  Although I never did ever sit down and try to write something “meaningful,” it was always more of a journal.

Over the last month, I have struggled a bit.  I had another episode at work that makes me want to leave the workplace forever and never look back.  It is upsetting enough, but now I feel like I am the common denominator and that there is something very wrong with me, and I no longer fit in the workplace.

Here’s someone who “fits” in the workplace.  She took the job I had when I left the hospital, now almost 3 years ago (can you believe it?).  She is one of those thin, pretty, sharp, squeaky, harsh people.  I don’t know how else to say it.  Maybe early 40’s?  Very cute, seriously, she is very cute.  I would say she is a very bad fit for my old job because she has no eye for detail.  She doesn’t quite “get” numbers.  She has no idea about statistical concepts.  She doesn’t even have a good understanding of how to use Excel, let alone SPSS.  She is an RN, and that is all you need where I work.  (young people take heed, don’t bother with bachelor’s or master’s degrees, get an Associates degree in nursing and you will be set for life.  I am not kidding.)  She is good at Lean.  Of course she is.  In Lean, you just blast through problems without taking the time to understand them.  You come up with a solution in a half second and then you walk away.  Awesome.

I have tried to help her because I wish her success, I really do.  I don’t want that job.  I am happy enough, or overwhelmed enough, with the job I have now.  Two weeks ago, she saw me in the hallway and asked for help with something in Excel.  Seriously, it was so simple, it took me a second.  Then she gushed “Oh!  I Love you!  Thank you!!!”  And then went on effusively, to say “you can come in here and be an asshole anytime!”

huh?  What? Then she wrote me a coupon:

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No, I am not making this up.  She actually handed me that “coupon.”  I was dumbfounded, but managed to tell her that it really hurt my feelings.  She laughed.

I decided to forget about it, but she herself brought it up when she inserted herself into a serious work related conversation I was having with my boss.  She asked “do you have your coupon?”  ha ha ha ha.

Oh, it goes on.  She has now insisted that I invite her to every meeting I have with another co-worker.  It is insane.  She hates him because he did actually file a grievance against her (which HR thought was unfounded).   Anyone who talks to him will be subject to her ire.  I refuse to hate him or anyone else, including her.  But she sits in the back of these meetings with her arms crossed and makes snide remarks to whoever sits next to her and they break into peals of giggles.  Awesome.  If my 11 year old granddaughter acted like that I would school her quite harshly.  But a highly paid professional in a hospital setting can get away with this nonsense.

I do not want to work like this.  The last boss with the “f*** off” note.  Now a coupon to be an a**hole.  Perfect.

I went to visit the folks with the retirement facts and got a plan to retire in September of next year.  I was ecstatic.

Then I sat down and did some calculatin’ and really, it just would not be a good idea to retire next year.  I figured I would get out of the hospital and go work somewhere else.  But that is a bad long-term plan for retirement.  What if I can no longer work?  What if I don’t want to?  What if I become disabled?  What if I can’t get or keep a job?

One minute I feel peace because I know it is in God’s hands, the next minute, I am madly “figuring” things out.

Can you see why I haven’t wanted to write?

Oh, and now I am having nightmares almost every night about the trip to Rome.  Every time, I have either lost my passport or left it at home.  I have no luggage.  No clothes, no passport.  The last dream had terrorists in it.

How defective can a person feel?  The trip of a lifetime and I can find a way to have nightmares about it.  I have considered putting my passport under my pillow so that I know I have it, maybe that will follow me into my dreams.

Oh, and my last refuge, Adoration at church.  My quiet hour.  My Holy Hour with Jesus.  You know I value this hour above all others.  Last week I was alone in the chapel, which was glorious.  Then a man I share the time with came in and instead of sitting where he normally does, he came to my same pew, and scooted down until he was sitting next to me.  I felt horrible.  I felt like maybe that was a friendly gesture, but I took it as super creepy.  I prayed and prayed.  I finally got up and moved to another pew.  He then scooted back to the other side of the pew.  WHO has difficulty getting along with others during Adoration?  I can’t believe it.  Me.

But today is a day off.  I can work out this morning and then get down to the business of cleaning my desk and my bedroom.  No minor feat.  I am participating in “Clutter Free in 31 days.”  I think you can find it on facebook.  I bought the book on Amazon.  I will include a link here.

My best friend is back in my life and I cannot describe how wonderful that is.  I have gone back to my old AA group and that is wonderful.  God will certainly help me get through this weird time in my life.  He has gotten me through every other.

If you have read this long diatribe, I appreciate it.  I am truly sorry if I have worried any of you.

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9 Responses to Monday Holiday

  1. Good to hear from you! I’ve missed your voice in the blogosphere. The work thing sounds completely crazy-making, and I wish you the best in navigating it.

  2. Hope says:

    I have wondered how you were, Mary and it is so good to read about your life. I honestly don’t think you are the common denominator in those vile post it notes. Those post it notes are a symptom of the note writer, not you. I probably sound like an old fart but common courtesy doesn’t seem to be so common anymore. Your kitty looks very sweet.

  3. JAnnette says:

    I MISS YOU! I want to make sure you understand the fullness of those words…thus the caps.
    Maybe my little one is right….the world is full of idiots. We aren’t them though. How unbelievably, as in shockingly, hurtful, immature, ridiculous, and crazy to treat another human being the way this “cute” co-worker has treated you. I’m so sorry Mary. I want to go to Adoration….I’m not catholic but I’m going to see when our Catholic Church has their adoration service. Can non-Catholics go?

  4. Hattie says:

    As a Al Anon mom of a addict/alcoholic in recovery, I just want to say that perhaps you are being too hard on yourself. Some Al Anon experience if I were in similar situation would be to arm myself with boundaries with the coworker. Also when I get in a funk, I usually try to change my focus–perhaps to gratitude. You have some great job skills and you should be proud of that. Look who is coming to who for help. Maybe she is terribly, wildly insecure and she puts up a big mask to stop others from noticing. But, I’m not sure that I would help her in the future unless she was able to hear my feelings. You have friends and a AA group. I bet you could really build on that list. As far as adoration goes, I’d probably say, “hey I’m gonna move over a bit. I am easily distracted and need this hour to really hear what Jesus has for me to say.” That is just me. Take what you like….and leave the rest. But, I am learning that it is far easier to bulldoze my way through the hard stuff. I look forward to looking at the clutter free book.

  5. Tami says:

    Thank you for the time you spend writing. There are similarities in our journeys and this blog has helped me in those areas. If you write – great, if not I can miss you. I cleaned out a sock drawer Sunday! Maybe I will check the library for your book. And I shared with my sponsor feelings that I was having regarding people, being the common denominator, etc. She said me too and we shared and laughed and grew. Hopefully your BFF can be a safe place for you to process the #@! others do in their sick ways. How Rude.Rude.Rude. I will give out posties of 🙂 today. Just because. Write when you can Mary.

  6. Ray says:

    Missed your writings, could it be a generational thing “f..off and a..hole” coupon? They show a total lack of common sense, guess they’ve never heard or practiced God’s rule..love one another. I will strive to do that today.

  7. Patricia says:

    Hi Mary, I have been out of the country for 2 weeks and looked forward to catching up with your blog when I returned.

    Re: your upcoming trip, I always get anxious before a big trip. Before this one I was sure I would run into terrorists in France – the world news is enough to upset anyone. Once I get there I get caught up in the excitement and feel fine. I think you are having common pre-trip jitters.

    Re: your work situation, I think you are experiencing a subtly hostile work environment. Based on what happened to the man in your department, I think HR may not be on top of it. Nevertheless, don’t let them run you out of your job – it’s exactly the outcome these environments foster. My advice, if you do not trust your HR, is to start a file – copy this post and the other that document what you have experienced and the fact each time you told them you did not like it. Add dates and details as you see fit. Keep the post it notes. Tell one other person you trust what happened and that it upset you but ask them not to share it. You may never use the file – some times the act of creating it helps us feel less powerless. I have created two in a long history of hospital work – used one, not the other, but it always helped me to label the system instead of myself.

    You are not crazy, the system is. You are kind, honest and tolerant but working with some very immature managers. Please keep writing. Patricia

  8. Syd says:

    Hi MC, glad that you are writing. I think that my time of saying anything meaningful is past on my blog because I don’t have the time to devote to it. I stay busy with many different things. I have to say that the way I interpreted the note was that you were being given permission to be an asshole. I believe she was saying that you weren’t one. Maybe it was a strange way of giving a compliment. But at least that was my take. The Generation Xer’s may not have much in the way of social graces. Like Hattie, I would just not let it rent space in my head but document what you felt and how it bothered you. And perhaps ask her what it meant. Take care.

  9. atomicmomma says:

    Mary so happy and delighted to hear from you! I have missed you so much. I don’t get her “humor” one bit but I do know exactly the type of young professional cute chickie you are describing! They eventually hit a wall but that is neither for you nor me to worry about.

    So happy that you have your kitty and she is loving you! I love the pics you post of her. Thanks again for posting and thanks always for your blog and writing for us out here.

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