It’s a Monday Holiday. Columbus Day. I am at home with kitty. She’s a good girl. After seven months with me, she has grown quite affectionate, and doesn’t hide so much.
The blog has felt like something that takes too much time. I am working out almost every morning and that requires a certain amount of discipline. I just don’t feel like I have the time to sit down and write something meaningful here. Although I never did ever sit down and try to write something “meaningful,” it was always more of a journal.
Over the last month, I have struggled a bit. I had another episode at work that makes me want to leave the workplace forever and never look back. It is upsetting enough, but now I feel like I am the common denominator and that there is something very wrong with me, and I no longer fit in the workplace.
Here’s someone who “fits” in the workplace. She took the job I had when I left the hospital, now almost 3 years ago (can you believe it?). She is one of those thin, pretty, sharp, squeaky, harsh people. I don’t know how else to say it. Maybe early 40’s? Very cute, seriously, she is very cute. I would say she is a very bad fit for my old job because she has no eye for detail. She doesn’t quite “get” numbers. She has no idea about statistical concepts. She doesn’t even have a good understanding of how to use Excel, let alone SPSS. She is an RN, and that is all you need where I work. (young people take heed, don’t bother with bachelor’s or master’s degrees, get an Associates degree in nursing and you will be set for life. I am not kidding.) She is good at Lean. Of course she is. In Lean, you just blast through problems without taking the time to understand them. You come up with a solution in a half second and then you walk away. Awesome.
I have tried to help her because I wish her success, I really do. I don’t want that job. I am happy enough, or overwhelmed enough, with the job I have now. Two weeks ago, she saw me in the hallway and asked for help with something in Excel. Seriously, it was so simple, it took me a second. Then she gushed “Oh! I Love you! Thank you!!!” And then went on effusively, to say “you can come in here and be an asshole anytime!”
huh? What? Then she wrote me a coupon:
No, I am not making this up. She actually handed me that “coupon.” I was dumbfounded, but managed to tell her that it really hurt my feelings. She laughed.
I decided to forget about it, but she herself brought it up when she inserted herself into a serious work related conversation I was having with my boss. She asked “do you have your coupon?” ha ha ha ha.
Oh, it goes on. She has now insisted that I invite her to every meeting I have with another co-worker. It is insane. She hates him because he did actually file a grievance against her (which HR thought was unfounded). Anyone who talks to him will be subject to her ire. I refuse to hate him or anyone else, including her. But she sits in the back of these meetings with her arms crossed and makes snide remarks to whoever sits next to her and they break into peals of giggles. Awesome. If my 11 year old granddaughter acted like that I would school her quite harshly. But a highly paid professional in a hospital setting can get away with this nonsense.
I do not want to work like this. The last boss with the “f*** off” note. Now a coupon to be an a**hole. Perfect.
I went to visit the folks with the retirement facts and got a plan to retire in September of next year. I was ecstatic.
Then I sat down and did some calculatin’ and really, it just would not be a good idea to retire next year. I figured I would get out of the hospital and go work somewhere else. But that is a bad long-term plan for retirement. What if I can no longer work? What if I don’t want to? What if I become disabled? What if I can’t get or keep a job?
One minute I feel peace because I know it is in God’s hands, the next minute, I am madly “figuring” things out.
Can you see why I haven’t wanted to write?
Oh, and now I am having nightmares almost every night about the trip to Rome. Every time, I have either lost my passport or left it at home. I have no luggage. No clothes, no passport. The last dream had terrorists in it.
How defective can a person feel? The trip of a lifetime and I can find a way to have nightmares about it. I have considered putting my passport under my pillow so that I know I have it, maybe that will follow me into my dreams.
Oh, and my last refuge, Adoration at church. My quiet hour. My Holy Hour with Jesus. You know I value this hour above all others. Last week I was alone in the chapel, which was glorious. Then a man I share the time with came in and instead of sitting where he normally does, he came to my same pew, and scooted down until he was sitting next to me. I felt horrible. I felt like maybe that was a friendly gesture, but I took it as super creepy. I prayed and prayed. I finally got up and moved to another pew. He then scooted back to the other side of the pew. WHO has difficulty getting along with others during Adoration? I can’t believe it. Me.
But today is a day off. I can work out this morning and then get down to the business of cleaning my desk and my bedroom. No minor feat. I am participating in “Clutter Free in 31 days.” I think you can find it on facebook. I bought the book on Amazon. I will include a link here.
My best friend is back in my life and I cannot describe how wonderful that is. I have gone back to my old AA group and that is wonderful. God will certainly help me get through this weird time in my life. He has gotten me through every other.
If you have read this long diatribe, I appreciate it. I am truly sorry if I have worried any of you.