No! Your name is Mary!
I will celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety this month. Next you would expect me to say how grateful I am, and I am, there is no doubt about it. But there is also a lot of other unexpected stuff that is coming up.
Who stays sober for 30 years? Who does anything for 30 years? Not me. I mean, really, not me. Yet here I am. In my life I have never done anything for this long, except breathe.
Most of my adult life has been spent sober. That is good. I know I would not be alive if I continued to drink the way I did. Yet here I am, in really outstanding health for a woman of my age.
Aha. “My age.” Sixty-two years old. My children are grown. Half of my grandchildren are now teens, the other half are 958 miles away. The days of family dinners with children laughing, crying, and singing are gone. The little cabinet with toys in it has not been touched for 6 months – since the little ones moved away. I am heartbroken over those little ones living so far away.
My sober daughter and I will take a trip in 2 weeks to go see them. We will stay at some awesome places on the way there. We will visit 3 national parks. And I will get to hold my grandchildren. A road trip is a wonderful thing.
And today I will book my trip to Rome. My dream. The one that seemed so unattainable. The one I was just giving up on. This is my 30th birthday present to myself.
It all feels overwhelming to me. God has been so very good to me. I can’t imagine how he chose me to bless in these ways. I haven’t been as good of a steward as I could have been. I haven’t “worked” with others the way I should have. I haven’t done many things the way I should have.
I’m so glad to have written this today. I was thinking I was ungrateful. Upon closer examination, there are many things I am feeling, un-gratitude is not actually one of them.
Dumbfounded is more like it. And the knowledge that most of my life is over. But what is left is looking like it is going to be good. If only today, it is good. And I thank God for all of it, good and bad.