May I be Frank?

No!  Your name is Mary!

IMG_8167Please don’t judge me harshly or give me the advice I already know in my head.  All that stuff in my head has yet to make the 12 inch trip to my heart.  It will, I pray.

I will celebrate 30 years of continuous sobriety this month.  Next you would expect me to say how grateful I am, and I am, there is no doubt about it.  But there is also a lot of other unexpected stuff that is coming up.

Who stays sober for 30 years?  Who does anything for 30 years?  Not me.  I mean, really, not me.  Yet here I am.   In my life I have never done anything for this long, except breathe.

Most of my adult life has been spent sober.  That is good.  I know I would not be alive if I continued to drink the way I did.  Yet here I am, in really outstanding health for a woman of my age.

Aha.  “My age.”  Sixty-two years old.  My children are grown.  Half of my grandchildren are now teens, the other half are 958 miles away.  The days of family dinners with children laughing, crying, and singing are gone.  The little cabinet with toys in it has not been touched for 6 months – since the little ones moved away.   I am heartbroken over those little ones living so far away.

My sober daughter and I will take a trip in 2 weeks to go see them.  We will stay at some awesome places on the way there.  We will visit 3 national parks. And I will get to hold my grandchildren.  A road trip is a wonderful thing.

And today I will book my trip to Rome.  My dream.  The one that seemed so unattainable.  The one I was just giving up on.  This is my 30th birthday present to myself.

It all feels overwhelming to me.  God has been so very good to me.  I can’t imagine how he chose me to bless in these ways.  I haven’t been as good of a steward as I could have been.  I haven’t “worked” with others the way I should have.  I haven’t done many things the way I should have.

I’m so glad to have written this today.  I was thinking I was ungrateful.  Upon closer examination, there are many things I am feeling, un-gratitude is not actually one of them.

Dumbfounded is more like it.  And the knowledge that most of my life is over. But what is left is looking like it is going to be good.  If only today, it is good.  And I thank God for all of it, good and bad.


This entry was posted in Aging, Gratitude, Roma, Roses, Sobriety. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to May I be Frank?

  1. daisyanon says:

    Congratulations Mary and many happy returns for your 30th birthday.

  2. angelatticus says:

    Thank you Mary, wonderful 🙂 Angel Atticus

  3. Annette says:

    Absolutely beautiful! Happy 30th! 😉
    What a beautiful example of a life in recovery and surrendering our will, you are to us all.

  4. Ray says:

    Congratulations, looking forward to your blogs on the road trips and Italy!

  5. jackie says:

    Mary for ‘us’ 30 years seems like an eternity, so congratulations. I can so relate to the untouched toys. Since the very end of my destruction came about the time my twin grandchildren were turning 3, i can still look at those toys and think, ‘Thank God i’m not where I was then’ but still seems sad that they are now almost 12. Life is good! Your road trip sounds fabulous!

  6. Patricia says:

    Mary, As I read your post I knew it was about your sobriety anniversary but for me it speaks of aging. I have such a sense of bittersweet now that I am in my 60’s. So grateful for many blessings but missing that youthful sense that anything can happen in my future. Now I know the future is limited. In the past few months I have had several injuries because I tried to do more than my body wished. It’s like I need to adjust to a new developmental period and am not sure I like it. Jokes about being over the hill at 40 and menopause were so much easier when they really didn’t feel like they applied 🙂 I believe you are doing the right thing keeping some fun goals in front of you – that has been my solution also.

  7. Syd says:

    Glad that you are going to Rome. And what a great 30th anniversary that will be. More dreams are yet to be realized I am sure.

  8. kelly says:

    I am so glad you have booked the trip to Rome. One day I hope to go, too, to see the Vatican…maybe catch a glimpse of the Pope.

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