Just keep on keepin’ on…. they used to say. Put one foot in front of the other, and keep going. When you find yourself in hell, don’t stop.
I want to step off. I want to leave my job, my home, my automobile, my surroundings. I don’t wanna do this anymore.
My little experiment with going sans antidepressants? Not working out so well. I got an emergency appointment with my psychologist yesterday. He said it will probably take about 2 weeks for it to kick in again, and just try to do no harm in the meantime.
In the meantime…. I shall pray that I can keep my head and hide in my office when my first inclination is to tell people to f*** off and loudly proclaim that I am retiring. Hide away when I want to tell one of my staff that I am sick of tip-toeing around her ridiculous moodiness. Tell my boss’ boss that I don’t appreciate her lack of help. Etc., etc., etc., etc.
If only I can stop talking with people and crying, that would be a good start. “Oh Mary, why is this bothering you so much?” “Mary, you need to chill out.” “Mary, don’t take this so seriously!” is what I hear. But I have always found in my life that when something makes no sense, I usually don’t know a key fact about the circumstance. So, they don’t know that I have a ridiculous case of depression and that I stopped my medications 2 weeks ago. Two days back on will not make me be ok just yet.
I wake in the morning and think “oh, no, another day.” But then the kitty comes and purrs and rubs her wet nose all over my face and I have to smile. If I can pet her for a half hour, I can usually find the way out of bed. And I sit for a half hour and knit in the morning instead of blogging.
The idea of feeling like this for another 2 weeks is unbearable. But I have lived through the unbearable many times in my life.
I will just keep on keepin’ on, and pray to God that I find relief soon…. or that I suffer more bravely if this is indeed His will.