Keepin’ On

Just keep on keepin’ on…. they used to say.  Put one foot in front of the other, and keep going.  When you find yourself in hell, don’t stop.

I want to step off.  I want to leave my job, my home, my automobile, my surroundings.  I don’t wanna do this anymore.

My little experiment with going sans antidepressants?  Not working out so well. I got an emergency appointment with my psychologist yesterday.  He said it will probably take about 2 weeks for it to kick in again, and just try to do no harm in the meantime.

In the meantime…. I shall pray that I can keep my head and hide in my office when my first inclination is to tell people to f*** off and loudly proclaim that I am retiring.  Hide away when I want to tell one of my staff that I am sick of tip-toeing around her ridiculous moodiness.  Tell my boss’ boss that I don’t appreciate her lack of help.  Etc., etc., etc., etc.

If only I can stop talking with people and crying, that would be a good start.  “Oh Mary, why is this bothering you so much?”  “Mary, you need to chill out.”  “Mary, don’t take this so seriously!”  is what I hear.  But I have always found in my life that when something makes no sense, I usually don’t know a key fact about the circumstance.  So, they don’t know that I have a ridiculous case of depression and that I stopped my medications 2 weeks ago.  Two days back on will not make me be ok just yet.

I wake in the morning and think “oh, no, another day.”  But then the kitty comes and purrs and rubs her wet nose all over my face and I have to smile.  If I can pet her for a half hour, I can usually find the way out of bed.  And I sit for a half hour and knit in the morning instead of blogging.

The idea of feeling like this for another 2 weeks is unbearable.  But I have lived through the unbearable many times in my life.

I will just keep on keepin’ on, and pray to God that I find relief soon…. or that I suffer more bravely if this is indeed His will.

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8 Responses to Keepin’ On

  1. Annette says:

    Oh Mary, I was concerned when I read you were discontinuing your meds. I wonder why we do this to ourselves?! Remember when I quit mine awhile back? I hated everyone! LOL it was awful. We are here with you, cheering you on, a few days and you will begin to feel changes….positive changes. All building up to being back on track. Love to you my friend.

  2. kberman says:

    I’ve done the same thing with horrible results. It has always been OK for me to be a recovering alcoholic but not OK to have depression. Just read a post you might enjoy–http://douglascootey.com/2014/05/kicking-suicide-in-teeth.html

  3. sapphicnubian says:

    Mary I am praying for you over here.

  4. Nancy says:

    Mary I am praying for you, too. I love your blog. Peace

  5. Syd says:

    MC, I hope that things will get better soon. I think that the SSRI’s have a good purpose and result (usually) with people who have depression. Anyway, glad that your kitty is giving comfort.

  6. Kelly H says:

    I will pray, even more, for you. It is hard- life. Working with other humans, being human ourselves. Then dealing with things like medications and depression- it makes life harder. More challenging. But, you are right- keep going, don’t stop.

    I’m glad your psychologist was able to see you right away. It is always good to know you’re cared for. Also good to know that you were able to put into words what you were feeling, and your psychologist recognized it as urgent and met with you. Sounds like you’ve got a decent one.

  7. Mary LA says:

    I have been worrying about you for a couple of weeks now and hesitated to ask if it might be depression. You make such heroic efforts to cope with this darkening of life and I hope your anti-depressants work and that prayers are answered. You’re in my prayers this Easter octave.

  8. Patricia says:

    Hi Mary, I hope you are doing better as the days pass. Today is Friday . . . TGIF always gives me a lift. I enjoy your postings as I am 64 and have kids and grandkids similar ages. I want to be a wise and content woman as I age and sense you are striving for that also.

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