My daughter and two older granddaughters are taking a car trip to and from California, with lots of stops on the way. They sent one photo of the girls on a balcony with a view of the Vegas strip. What fun for them!
Meanwhile, I am back here. Struggling with a work situation. I had a semi-drunk dream last night. That horrifying feeling of seeing yourself opening a beer, realizing you just finished one, and then immediately thinking – I will still celebrate my 30th sober anniversary in July. No, I won’t. Yes, I will. No, I won’t. I threw away the beer, but realized all was lost.
Which is sort of how I feel at work. My boss is on vacation, so I asked his boss to the meeting on Monday. I did not feel supported at that meeting. She is a person who just wants everything to be OK. So, she wanted to focus on how “we” can move forward. As if “we” were having a little “tiff” and “we” could just learn how to communicate better. I am being subject to workplace violence from a subordinate, and this is how “we” are going to handle it. I feel utterly defeated. And this woman is a friend. A friend. I told her immediately after the meeting that I was not pleased. I told her again yesterday. She says it will all be OK.
Said employee is talking s**t about me to anyone who will listen. That’s OK. She can do that. As long as I keep my side of the street clean. She can play by her rules, but I must not descend to that.
I am aware that this is the best job I will ever have. I don’t believe I’ll just find another job. There is no other job. This is my best situation. I feel exhausted and defeated. I want to take a tropical holiday. I haven’t gone anywhere out of State since July ’12 when I visited my sister in the Hamptons. I scheduled a day off for Monday, but now I have a huge undertaking on Monday, so I shall be at work. Now I am trying to take next Thursday and Friday off.
My boss will be gone for another week. When he returns, I will feel a lot better. He is also a friend, but he is the kind of friend who is actually supportive.
I talked with another friend for a long time yesterday. She gave me a huge pep talk. We worked together for years, she has great belief in my abilities, including my interpersonal skills. Right now I feel like “wherever you go, there you are.” Program people will understand that. She told me of a mantra she had when she had difficulty supervising people, “If you were doing your job, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” That is the truth. This all started with complaints about her, several sources told me she told them “it’s not my job” when they asked her for help. And then her ridiculous screaming fit. And then, and then, and then.
I do know that I don’t want to do this anymore. I am not on a learning curve in my career. I don’t need anymore supervisory experience. I have had mine. It was a challenge and I thought I did a great job at it, my former employees agree. Two of my current employees think I am fine. And then there was one….. I no longer think “what a great learning experience!” I think, Dammit, I am too old for this shit.
In a little over 2.5 years, I will be 65. I think I will make every effort to retire then. And if I absolutely can’t stand it anymore, I can leave. Truly. Right now if I walked, I would get 50% of my current salary for the rest of my life. It would involve major lifestyle changes, but I could do it.
It’s Friday. God loves me. It’s always been OK in the 62 years up to now. I trust it will be OK through this.