Yesterday I found my training log from 2005. Training for a triathlon. It was a good triathlon, I had fun and I finished well. I am looking at the tiny little workouts I did in preparation for that and trying to wrap my mind around what that means.
You see, I have spent the last 7 or 8 years training for marathons and half-marathons. It is grueling. It is tiring. It consumes your whole life, with time and energy.
Back in 2005, when I was in really good shape, I was running 2 or 3 miles 3 times a week, swimming a half mile once a week, and spinning or bike riding usually 1 time a week. Holy cow. I can do that! That’s a half hour or 45 minute workout, five days a week! This has absolutely nothing in common with the training I have been doing for the last many years. I can do this. I just have to start 🙂
I had long chats with my boss and his boss and her boss yesterday. When I told my boss I wish I could zip my lip, he said my head would explode and it wouldn’t be good for me. He said that we all need to talk and I am fine, in fact, he had just come to my office to talk to me just as friends. I am not being awful as I perceive myself to be. The other two expressed similar sentiments.
I have a new Adoration commitment. From 5 to 6 pm on Thursdays at the church near work. My new parish. I am thrilled. Last night I went and prayed in silence for an hour. It changed my entire frame of mind. I wish I could find a way to do this every day.
All I can do is the best I can do. If I keep talking about what I need to do and am not doing, it will pile up on me. I have experienced this before, it piles up and becomes overwhelming and I stop doing everything. Last year I stopped paying my bills because I became so afraid of everything. I am still trying to dig myself out of that mess. I think I have only one bill left that I am behind on. I am technically 2 weeks behind on my car payment. 2 weeks will not get you reported to the credit bureau, but it is not good.
This is one of the reasons I need AA meetings. I can think that being 2 weeks behind on my car payment, not getting to church every day, and not working out the way I should be – that these are things that make me a failure. Which as I am sure you all can see is entirely out of proportion. If I go to the right AA meeting, with new as well as old people, I will see that these are not big problems. These are luxury problems.
- I have a good paying job, and someday I will have a defined benefit retirement
- I have children who love me and I love right back
- I have grandchildren who love me and I love right back
- Nobody is worrying about going to prison
- Because no one in my family is doing things that would bring about a prison sentence. Or as my daughter says “I don’t have a felony in my purse anymore.”
- No one in my family is planning their weekend around a visit to someone in prison
- We are all in good health
- No one in my immediate family is using drugs or drinking alcoholically
- We all have nice homes to live in
There is love. I don’t want to ask for more than that. I need to appreciate it.
Tonight my daughters and I will go out for our traditional ethiopian dinner for their birthday. We will take the First Friday Art Walk. It will be fun. And if it snows too much today, we’ll go later.
It’s all good. Thank you God.