Another hovel in my dreams

I wish I would stop having these dreams.  Last night it was a horrible “garden level” apartment immersed in avocado green and I had just found microphones and cameras everywhere.  I knew I had to leave, but had nowhere to go.  Horrible feeling.  Again, I wake up to my pretty sunshiney home and I am grateful.

Some day perhaps I will live in a hovel or a nursing home and wonder why I spent so much time worrying about it instead of enjoying where I did live.   It is a month tomorrow since I had that tooth pulled and these dreams began.  I hope they will go away soon.

In the last two weeks I have noted some scary little first signs of depression.  I can’t tell you how frightening this is.   Until the last few days I hadn’t wanted to even admit that to myself, but I can’t deny it.  I have slept for 11 hours a night for the last two nights even though I had the alarm set.  I’m going to bed at 7 p.m. or 7:30 because I am just SO tired.  The alarm rings and tells me to get up and go to the pool, but I just turn over and go back to sleep.

I am in a mess at work.  It breaks my heart to say that.  There is crap swirling about me, and I responded on Tuesday.  Thank God I did not use any abusive language or be personal about it (things I learned in AA and Alanon), but I did raise my voice a bit and I was quite adamant that someone was being “disingenuous.”  Someone else, later that day, screamed at the person about the same issue, it got quite personal, and she left screaming “bullshit!” and slamming the door.  She is in a lot of trouble for that.

I am not in trouble, because I kept it appropriate, albeit a bit loud.  (The staff in my department just outside my office door noticed it was a bit loud, but didn’t think it sounded awful, and they couldn’t hear what I said.)   But I wish I could literally zip my lip.  My tongue is a sharp and dangerous weapon.  And it seems beyond my control to tame it.

Yesterday I pondered what to give up for Lent.  I feel that I have spent the last 10 years giving up things and learning about their pathology and not returning to the habit, e.g., diet pepsi, meat, etc.  I have also added in something every year to try to break down some of my self-built barriers to God.

When I got on board the Dave Ramsey budget last July and have stayed there, I feel like I have already given up every single excess that was in my life.  It hurt like hell!!!  It still hurts dammit!  I want to go out for lunch!  I want new clothes and shoes!  I want a fake tan.  I want my brows waxed.  I want a mani/pedi every week.  I WANT a lot.  But I can live without.

I feel like I am down to my rotten core.  The core that is quick to judge others.  The core that is quick to blab, blab, blab about others.  The core that is quick to blab, blab, blab about myself.  The core that is not loving, or generous, or kind.   The core that is too quick to feel threatened.

It seems so luxurious that years ago I had what seemed to be big sins to deal with.  Sex with people I shouldn’t have, big excesses like smoking and drinking, eating like a glutton and being overweight, etc.  It is so much easier to think about those horrible sins than the little shitty core that I seem to be down to now.  In my worst thoughts, I am a bitter old woman, who doesn’t have any warm relationships at all, who doesn’t smoke, drink, or eat much that’s fun.  The old woman peaking out of her curtains and worrying about what everyone else is doing.

These are very dark thoughts – I best not indulge them.

I will put on some pretty clothes and go to work and try my level best to at least act like a nice person today.  Fake it till you make it?

With God’s help, only with God’s help.

This entry was posted in Aging, Depression, Dreams, Fear, Gratitude, Prayer, Work. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Another hovel in my dreams

  1. Syd says:

    I’m sorry about feeling down. I hope it isn’t depression too. Thinking of you.

  2. Kathy says:

    I have days where pretty much all I do is talk (think) to myself…….no, everyone else is not doing fun, wonderful things all of the time, no everyone else does not have perfect relationships with their husbands, family, friends, etc., no you are not a terrible, awful, boring, etc., person, no you are not alone in all of this,and on and on and on. It can be quite exhausting. It does pass, but only after a lot of positive self thoughts and a lot of prayer. Praying for this to pass quickly for you too!

  3. What Syd & Kathy said! I hope this isn’t the beginnings of a depression, and I too am praying for this to pass quickly for you. I don’t know if your budget allows for the occasional hot yoga class, but I’ve recently started doing that and it is so spiritually beneficial. I feel so strong and so relaxed afterwards, and all that stretching / moving seems to give me access to emotions that I can’t seem to access normally, when my mind is so busy being all analytical and beating myself up.

  4. atomic momma says:

    Oh Mary….hang in there. It is March and the dead middle of winter and it is not easy to feel upbeat but I hear your gratiitude in the midst of it all. Have you ever read the lyrics to In the Bleak Midwinter? That is written beautifully by a person feeling the despair of life and winter but knowing that a beautiful, wonderful God graces us.

    I do think your depression ties to difficult times at work that can bring it on. We are in a time where we have to tiptoe through the workplace and honesty and emotion isn’t tolerated so things just fester under the surface. I am praying for you for to find some rest and peace. We live in a modern world that shoves stuff down our throats for happiness but it is just simply day to day gratitude like you write about so much.

    I am thankful for you my friend. You are beautiful and wonderful and a gift to me in this precious life.

  5. Kelly says:

    I will say a special prayer for you. My heart aches when you mention that you think the depression is creeping up on you. I know what that is like for me, and I don’t want that for you. I will pray.

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