IMG_7492I am having great difficulty thinking of anything to write about.  I am knitting a lot.  The above is a “mystery” project.  You buy the pattern, and then get “clues” each week for five weeks.  I have nearly finished clue one (above) and will start clue 2 which I just got this morning.  It is fun.

This is a Monday holiday.  When I listen to or read the words of Martin Luther King, I can’t help but think he would be horribly disappointed by the world in which we live.  We have fallen so far short of his dream.  We never bother to look past the color of a person’s skin to the content of his or her character.  Nor are we encouraged to.  Most will misunderstand what I am saying…. this is dangerous turf and I’d best avoid it.

Work is good.  I am exhausted by it.  It is time for me to retire, but I need to try my level best to last another 3 years so that I don’t become a burden upon my children in my elder years.  I am not excited by the huge massive project I am involved in, and I can’t help but think that I am doing a disservice – there are young people who would jump at the chance.  However, I do have almost a generation of experience, and that is valuable too.

A month ago, I visited the meddical reccords department of the hospital where I began my career.  I was shocked to see that where there were banks of desks and people working madly, there were a few empty desks.  Where there was a wall of movable shelves containing patient charts, there is now an empty wall.  Their reccords are all electronic and kept off-site.   This is what we have been working towards for decades, it was our dream, and yet when I saw it, I thought – I don’t want to work in this world.  Did we realize we were working ourselves out of jobs?  Is this really progress?  Two years of unemployment compensation as our jobs vanish?  And the electronic reccords that were supposed to be the panacea are causing their own brand of meddical errors.

I talk to my sponsor about these things.  She is 11 years older than I am, and she can understand what I am talking about.

Here is what I dream of now:  I would like to be able to not care about the industry I have poured my heart and soul into and to stay at home and knit.  I would like to get to Mass every morning and start my day right.  I would like to go to the gym every day and get to know the folks there.  I would like to go to an AA meeting at night and not worry about how early I have to get up in the morning.    I would like to work on icons.   I would like to have the time to cook wonderful nutritious and delicious food, and invite people to come and eat it.

And here is some good news:  My credit score has increased over 50 pts. in the last 3 months – that is important if you want to buy a smaller house or condo.  Some of my credit cards that I closed out and started payment plans on last year actually have substantially lower balances this year.  There is actually light at the end of this tunnel!  It’s going to take a lot of concentrated effort (and sacrifice), but I think I can do it in 3 or 4 years.

Last year as I fell deeper and deeper into depression, I lost the ability to sit down and pay my bills.  It was just too much for me.  I should have asked someone to help me, but that was also too much for me.  I got behind on my bills, and my situation was tenuous at best to begin with.  This, of course, dropped my credit score by over 200 pts. to around bankruptcy levels.  Within 6 months, I went from excellent credit (they really don’t care how over-extended you are as long as you make more than your minimum payment – on time, every single month), to having credit where I wouldn’t be approved for the tiniest loan or retail credit.   Which was a blessing, let me be quick to add.

I’m digging out.  I’m digging out of the disastrous situation that started nearly 2 years ago now when I changed jobs.  I’ll also be quick to add that I got a promotion when I got to go back to the hospital – and that wouldn’t have happened if I had just stayed there.  The increase in pay will increase my retirement income, so it is no small thing.

I feel like my dream may actually come true.


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3 Responses to Dreams

  1. Syd says:

    I think that Dr. King would also be disappointed. So much wasted talent with youth today. So few people care about the greater good of all.

    I know that you will enjoy retirement. It is a wonderful thing.

  2. Annette says:

    I think we are watching an evolution here….we are watching you evolve from a working career woman to a retired woman with many varied interests and peace in her heart and a full and vibrant life filled with things she loves. Maybe not today, but someday. Its a process and once again, we are privileged to get to watch it unfold. Thank you. It is by you sharing your heart here that we all get to learn and become co-travelers with you.

  3. daisyanon says:

    Congratulations on the debt reduction Mary, that’s fabulous.

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