There was a little finch, laying dead on my doorstep yesterday. I remember my mother screaming when a bird got into our house, and me, at the age of 5, asking her why she was so upset. She said it was an omen of a death in the family. My grandmother died shortly thereafter. I guess that left a powerful impression on me.
I was in already a morbid mood due to my grandson’s dreadful illness. I watched the little kids yesterday. Everything was fine in the morning, then at noon, as if on alarm, my grandson got horribly ill. A nine-month old vomiting is not something without risk. I won’t go into details, but I don’t know when I have ever been so frightened. And trying to “act” calm because my 3 year old granddaughter was terrified. Well, so was I! I walked him for 4 hours while he screamed. I was unwilling to put him down lest he vomit again and have respiratory distress. He finally calmed after 4 hours, and although it was clear he was sick, it seemed then like a “normal” illness. A regular kid illness. Thank you Holy Mother of God.
In the last week or so I have had several revelations. I’m not sure they were really anything new, maybe they were just repackaged with different words. I have been going to a lot more AA meetings than normal, and I know in my heart I need to continue to do that. The difference is, I am not going to crappy groups and doing the b.s. we tell ourselves we are doing: a) carrying the message, b) practicing patience and tolerance, whatever. I don’t care how long I am sober, I still need to hear the real message of recovery from alcoholism, from the mouths of real alcoholics, at a real AA meetings. That has helped me to realize that I am hanging on to things long past the time when they have ceased to work. Many things.
Blogging is one of them. This is not working for me. It might be working for the occasional reader, but not for me. It takes too much time and there is very little reward. I know that others say they “blog for themselves.” I admire them. But I blog for readers, I always have, and if there are no readers, there is no point. Two or three of you still come by and comment, and I appreciate that. But I could carry on correspondence with the couple of readers, and not broadcast all of my feelings to the world as a pitiful attention seeking ploy. I have a journal, I can write in it.
I’m not shutting the door permanently (yet). I have enjoyed blogging and it used to be a wonderful part of my life. I have met some of the most wonderful people through my blog and their blogs, and I treasure those relationships.
Over the last week, I have been going to either mass or AA meetings in the morning. It is even possible for me to go to both and still get to work on time. I also can do a little yoga routine for core strength that is really helping my back. These things add to my life immeasurably.
Thanks to those of you who have read and shared. I really appreciate the relationships we have shared. It is time for me to take action in many ways in my life and blogging isn’t part of that.
Much love and best wishes to you all.
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