The brown wind-up dinosaur was a gift for Boss’ Day. The green one has been with me so long, I don’t remember where I got it. They are now sharing a spot on top of my business card holder thing. I love doo-dads on my desk. People invariably pick them up and look at them when they are in my office for a meeting. Maybe they are a reminder to all of us to not take things so freaking serious. Or not.
Now when I visit other offices at the hospital, I see my old toys. I gave most of them away when I went to my job downtown. So my etch-a-sketch pen, the boggle pen, the magnets, the punching bag, etc…. they all belong to others now.
A nice thing about being older? If all goes as it should, I am now in my last job. I will do everything I can to do the best job I (or anyone else) possibly can, but I am honestly not trying to impress anyone. I think about the adage I have followed all my career “dress for the job you want,” and smile. I have the job I want. It doesn’t require a great wardrobe. My life’s habit of thinking about which direction in which to go – well, I don’t really need to ponder that anymore. I AM where I want to go. All these are very nice feelings.
I have always been so ambitious, it is surprising to be at this place. Again, I think this is some of the fruit of that horrible job. It beat the stuffing out of me, and now I am happy to be in my little office in my little department with my little staff. I have a boss who loves me (so far) and my staff have told me they love me (so far). Maybe I am now bringing a new authenticity to my work life. I feel that I am just fabulous for the role I am in. I don’t agonize over the feelings of inadequacy that have plagued me most of my life. I know I can do this job, and I know I can do it well. I did take another half of a job on top of the already full time job I had, so it is a LOT of work, but it is good. I NEVER get bored. The days fly by. By Friday afternoon of each week, I am absolutely done in, so tired I could go straight to bed after work. Again, I think this is good.
Yesterday I ran into someone from my downtown job. He asked me how I like being back at the hospital. I told him “I am home.” He told me about a job he had for nine years, and how difficult it was to change. And then he looked at me and said “You are very fortunate, it is not often you can go back.” I told him I know that!
I saw my psychologist last night. I usually see him every two months. He suggested we could wait three months. He told me to take the co-pay I would have spent and add it to my savings for the icon class. Isn’t that sweet? He also told me I look much younger than I did a year ago. Oh thank God. I was older than old last year at this time. Falling off a cliff. Wishing it were over.
God’s presence has been so apparent in my life over this last year. I feel so very blessed and loved.