I got up early enough to go swimming this morning. I happily got dressed, drove to the gym, got my swimming suit on, put my clothes and things in a locker, showered before getting into the pool, and THEN saw the sign that said “sorry for the inconvenience.” It didn’t state WHAT inconvenience, so I stuck a foot in the pool and discovered that 68 degree water is the inconvenience. Drat! I should have known that the pool was devoid of swimmers for a good reason. Back home I came and hopped on the treadmill to run 2 miles. Just like I used to do before I became a long distance runner. Maybe I can go back to the short distances. I know I can no longer do the long distances, but I also know I must do something. I have done absolutely nothing since August.
My sister called the other night to tell me all about her room at the Beverly Wilshire. She said that we should have skipped the trip we took and just gone there. After all, the room was “only” a hundred dollars more a night.
Yeah, and you weren’t in the mountains of Colorado. It really hurt my feelings that she would totally not value the fact that she took a trip here that others would dearly love to take. A train ride across the Continental Divide and the Rocky Mountains? A soak in a hot springs pool, surrounded by mountains, covered with golden aspen trees? Are you serious? You would rather be in Beverly Hills? I don’t get it. And I am never going to get it. It took me 61 years to realize that she will never value what I value. Man, that seems like a long dang time.
And last night I got an e-mail about the icon workshop that will be held in town next August. 8 days of intensive work. Not for beginners. Deposit due by December. Half paid by April, the other half by July. Oh my goodness gracious! I think I may be able to do this. With cash money. That I have saved!
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. — Matthew 6:21
My brain goes straight to the opportunity cost of this – I now have a son who lives in Montana. I could go to Montana with $1,000. Perhaps that is where my heart should be.
Everything kind of feels like this kind of conflict right now. I feel that I am called to do the icon work. But I know that I have been called to be a mother and grandmother, though I have done a pretty poor job of that.
The truth is that I have been thrown off center by my sister’s visit. Any time spent with her does this to me. I hesitate to write this for fear I will be lectured by some passer-by. “Don’t let her define you, bla bla bla….” Yeah, I know. I call my sponsor who has a similar relationship with a similar sister and she has some practical advice for me. Never arguing about how sad it is to realize you will never have a nice relationship with someone you love. But practical advice about getting back in balance. Being who I am, and appreciating that. Thinking of others – other than her. Good self-care. I’ll be OK in a week or so.
For now I am sitting on a pretty quilt on a pretty bed looking at a pretty tree. There is laundry in the washing machine. I will cook a tasty breakfast of fried potatoes and eggs. Do some tidying up so my house stays clean and pretty. Go to confession this afternoon, followed by Rosary, followed by Mass.
Yes, I let her coerce me into not going to Mass last weekend. When I tried to pray on Sunday morning and started my prayer the way I do every day, “Heavenly father I pray, help me to do your will today.” I realized it was not in earnest. I might have better said, “Help me do your will except when it might be inconvenient for me or my sister.” It was a disgusting realization. There is a gorgeous church in that town that I would have loved to have seen again. But I did not stand my ground.
OK – back to today. It is good. It is very good.
Thank you God.
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee. I detest all my sins because of thy just punishment; but most of all because they offend thee, my God, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen.