I could not have imagined what is happening.
At 5:04 p.m. yesterday, I got an e-mail from the director that one of my peers and I need to go to a meeting on the 25th. Fine. And that one of us will be going to a new department. A new department, sure, that’s what you call it. It is the department I just got out of. This same conversation happened 2 years ago, and it was the beginning of the worst job situation I have ever been in, precipitating the worst depression I have ever experienced. I cannot go again. I will retire first.
My faith in God is usually pretty unquestioning. I have to tell you that I felt like the butt of a huge cosmic joke last night. I woke up crying this morning. Maybe He just wants me to retire.
I know that in the past, some of the worst situations in my life have turned into huge blessings. I will NEVER consider that job downtown a blessing. But it taught me that I need to let go a bit. I will not hang onto a job that is intolerable ever again. I can face poverty, homelessness, hunger, and destitution, but I refuse to go back to that hell that I lived through.
This life is a gift from God. To spend it in (avoidable) misery seems to me to spit in the face of God. It would be like if I made beautiful dresses for my daughters and they had a mud fight in them – and then continued to wear them every day without washing off the mud. No! I gave you a beautiful gift – it is meant to be beautiful, not drudgery!
I am SO upset about this. But I will walk through this day. And what will be will be. But I will be proactive this time. I will retire before I will ever set foot in that building downtown again as an employee.