In a thousand lifetimes…

I could not have imagined what is happening.

At 5:04 p.m. yesterday, I got an e-mail from the director that one of my peers and I need to go to a meeting on the 25th.   Fine.  And that one of us will be going to a new department.  A new department, sure, that’s what you call it.  It is the department I just got out of.  This same conversation happened 2 years ago, and it was the beginning of the worst job situation I have ever been in, precipitating the worst depression I have ever experienced.  I cannot go again.  I will retire first.

My faith in God is usually pretty unquestioning.  I have to tell you that I felt like the butt of a huge cosmic joke last night.  I woke up crying this morning.  Maybe He just wants me to retire.

I know that in the past, some of the worst situations in my life have turned into huge blessings.  I will NEVER consider that job downtown a blessing.  But it taught me that I need to let go a bit.  I will not hang onto a job that is intolerable ever again.   I can face poverty, homelessness, hunger, and destitution, but I refuse to go back to that hell that I lived through.

This life is a gift from God.  To spend it in (avoidable) misery seems to me to spit in the face of God.   It would be like if I made beautiful dresses for my daughters and they had a mud fight in them – and then continued to wear them every day without washing off the mud.  No!  I gave you a beautiful gift – it is meant to be beautiful, not drudgery!

I am SO upset about this.  But I will walk through this day.  And what will be will be.  But I will be proactive this time.  I will retire before I will ever set foot in that building downtown again as an employee.

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6 Responses to In a thousand lifetimes…

  1. Annette says:

    But but but but……YOU just got a promotion! WTH? It won’t be you. It can’t be you!
    But if by some slim act of idiocy, it IS YOU……you have options. Remember the relief of last week. Confidently hang on to that. You are not trapped and you have options.

  2. kberman says:

    I know how hard it is not to project. But the fact that there are 2 of you going leads me to believe the transfer is for your peer. And you are to help deliver him/her there. I am glad you have set firm boundaries. Life is about being happy with our choices.

  3. In Hoc Signo Vinces says:

    Mary: 99% of what we worry about never happens. If/when you decide to retire, you could be a Substitute Teacher. Should pay 60 some dollars a day. You like Flowers. Work part time for a Florist or Garden Center, You bake. Sell some pies and cookies you make at home.

  4. Sending lots of good vibes. Hope you are able to hang on to your peace of mind as this situation gets sorted out.

  5. Nancy G says:

    Praying for you. Don’t lose heart! You are not alone…Nancy in Cali

  6. Syd says:

    In situations that have the potential to make me crazy, I think about step 3 and have a back up plan. I hope that things will go well, but if they don’t, then you will figure out another plan and course of action. No sense borrowing trouble until something actually occurs.

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