S’posed to be off today…

IMG_5303Here’s one of my tired eyes.  I think I took this photo to see why my eye was itching or something like that.  You can see my eye is red.  I feel pretty red-eyed this morning.  It’s been a long week.

I was supposed to be off work today, but I have to go in to get a project done and into the director’s inbox by the end of today.  Which means it just might be another long day.  waah.

My back is out-of-control.  I was walking down the stairs at work yesterday and had to stop dead in my tracks and wait until that particular spasm ended.  I thought I was going to scream!  I would have if I had been at home and not at work.  I need to see my chiropractor, but it costs $60. out of pocket to see her.  I can go to my regular doc for $30.  and maybe he can refer me to an in-network chiro which would cost $30.  I used to spend money the way I can’t spend money anymore.  No more fancy-schmancy out of pocket docs for me.  damn.  Oh, wait, maybe I can e-mail my primary care doc and get him to refer me to a chiropractor without the visit.  Maybe.

I’m tired, but I am exhilarated really.  I am back doing stuff I really love doing.  Chart reviews and writing reports.  There’s not much I love more than digging into a 5″ thick chart, seeing what happened, what got documented, what didn’t.  What it says in one section that it doesn’t in another.  Reconciling what the chart has recorded with what is recorded in other systems.  Oh yeah, even you in healthcare don’t know the joy of which I speak, because the rest of the world has had electronic records for a while now.  But not us.

The dating thing is also out of control.  I think they used my profile nationally because my inbox has exploded.  Men from all over the good old US of A are contacting me.  I don’t get it.  I will likely meet one local guy tonight.

I know I am causing some of you to be concerned about me.  I am grateful for that because I always lament that no one ever worries about me – everyone assumes I will always be OK and will always land on my feet eventually.  But that, like all assumptions, could be very faulty.  Anyway, I would like to assure you that I have done this before.  The best man I ever met online was someone who was later arrested for stalking and was a real mess.  The kind who was in desperate need of AA and the help it might have afforded him.  But he didn’t want it – and is now dead.  I loved that guy.

These men who post photos of themselves in front of the Eiffel Tower, etc., and write about how emotionally and financially secure they are – they are so suspect to me that I just pass them by.

And there is the reality about me.  I don’t really need to detail it here.  But one major item that I am not posting in an online profile is that I suffer from chronic, severe, debilitating, major depression.  Here’s another:  I am teetering on the edge of bankruptcy and trying with all my might to do the right thing and get this all straightened out in the next three years so I can retire.  What an order!  I can’t go through with it!   And who would sign up for life with a woman who has a daughter who is in perpetual crisis?  And her little (98 lb) dog too!  Oh, and I have gotten just Catholic enough to no longer believe that sex outside of marriage is OK.  Can you say “Counter-cultural?”

My history with “dating” is that God tends to put people in my life who are in worse shape than I am.  They end up being my friends rather than anything else.  I usually end up counseling them about their alcoholism or their loved one’s drug addiction.

But would it be so terrible if on a Saturday night I got all dolled up, got my nails done, my hair fixed all pretty and slipped my arm into the arm of a man and stepped out for dinner or a movie?  Or got together on a Saturday morning for a walk in the hills followed by a cup of coffee in a cute little mountain town?  Had someone open a door for me?  Etc.

I am not thinking I am going to meet Mr. Right – every time I have done that it has ended in disaster.  I would just like to meet someone nice enough to go to a movie or dinner with.

But I appreciate your concern, more than I could ever express here.  Besides I have got to get to work!


This entry was posted in Dreams, Gratitude, History, Truth. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to S’posed to be off today…

  1. Annette says:

    Wellllll I have your address, and I promised I would never show up announced….but if you don’t post something tomorrow morning….don’t make me charge a plane ticket I can’t afford to come make sure your alright! Be careful out there!

  2. Annette says:

    PS: I loved Mary’s comment yesterday!

  3. Syd says:

    I know that you take good care of yourself. And I also understand the loneliness and wanting to have a close relationship with someone. Good luck with the date.

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