Anniversaries, Memories

WordPress is behaving badly this morning.  Or Century Link is.  Or they both are, in conjunction.  I can’t post a photo, and while I have waited for this page to load, I have ironed my clothes for today, etc.

Twenty-three years ago today, I got married for the last time.  Within a few months we were separated for the first time.  Within 3 years, we were separated forever.  That marriage changed me forever.  Can’t help it.  When you are beaten by a person who intends to kill you, when you hide your purse under your mattress as you sleep, when your loved one does everything humanly possible to destroy all of your other relationships – it just does something to you.

I remember being in that marriage, wondering how I would ever get out, and remembering my little apartment in Denver.  My children, my friends.  My independence.  My competence.  Wondering how I would ever get out alive and regain those things.

I think that is why in all these years, 20 now, I have never lived with another man.  I have been engaged twice, but for very short periods of time. I have been in love a couple of times.  But there is always something that I withhold, the caution has never left me.

As I have come into compliance with the Church’s teaching, I have learned to accept that this is how it is.  But sometimes I am so profoundly lonely.  No matter how many friends you have, no matter how close you are to your children, no matter how busy and active you are, you are still the only one in that bed at night.  The only one to pay the bills, to clean the house, to mow the lawn, to make all the decisions.

Yesterday I went to the website of my retirement account and realized that I could retire NOW.  I could.  I would be poverty stricken, but I could do it.

As I laid my head down last night, I realized that no matter what happens, even if I lost my job today, I will have an assured income for the rest of my life, that no one can take away from me.  It could be a living wage if my lifestyle were different.

You know what?  That is a good feeling.

I think I need to remember how it felt to be under someone’s thumb.  Instead of feeling lonely, I could choose to feel that I have put 19 years into building “security” for myself and I have been successful at that.

God will do what God will do.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he loves me and wants the best for me.  So I must be exactly where I am supposed to be.  As long as I am keeping him in my sights at all times.  Not going off on selfish and insane tangents.

I know that God has me in the palm of his hand….

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2 Responses to Anniversaries, Memories

  1. Syd says:

    Poverty stricken is such a relative term. I have seen poverty, and it is a really awful thing. I realize how fortunate we are to live in a nice house and have food to eat. I know that you will be okay. As for the relationship thing, I think trust can be regained with baby steps. But I understand the feeling. I know that I would not want to be married or live with anyone again. I have the best person in the world to share my life right now. How can I top that?

  2. Kelly says:

    I really could relate to the paragraph when you speak on that loneliness: “No matter how many friends you have, no matter how close you are to your children, no matter how busy and active you are, you are still the only one in that bed at night. The only one to pay the bills, to clean the house, to mow the lawn, to make all the decisions.” Yes, I can relate oh so well.

    It is that which scares me, though, from leaving a bad relationship. I think to myself, I need to grow up and just be okay with being alone, but it is hard. (I know the feeling of loneliness because my son’s father is in and out of jail very frequently and we do not live together.)

    I am glad to know that you will be okay, even if you quit your job. That has to be a good feeling. Like, you can only slip so far before something will catch you. That is kind of how I feel now that I have a degree.

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