Intensity

You didn’t really expect me to say that my vacation was just a stressless little experience, did you?

First, the class started two days earlier than I expected.  And nothing has gone right yet.  I worked on it all weekend.  I am so exhausted and have been so busy, I have taken to eating fast food!  If you knew me, you would be shocked and alarmed.  Number One:  I am a vegetarian.  So the Sonic hotdog yesterday might have tasted good, but I am still feeling sick.  But I digress.

IMG_6226This photo sort of sums up my last three days.  The gold would absolutely not stick as it should.  So for three days I have worked on it.  I finally got it to work this morning.  Not sure why the gold from the actual instructor worked better than the gold that was provided by the workshop, but it did.  I have gotten so frustrated that the job I am doing is not what it could be.  But there are people in the class who are still working on their gold and they are very frustrated.  It should take a couple of hours to do this – tops.

The teachers are incredible.  A couple from Russia.  The man speaks not one word of english, so his wife translates for him.  She gives most of the lectures though.  I was absolutely rapt this morning as she lectured.  It is so deep and thought provoking, sometimes causing me to cry, sometimes to hang my head.

This class is not about building self-esteem.  It is about revealing who you are, who you really, really are.  And with God’s grace, changing what needs to change.  For instance, I am a person with a somewhat exaggerated humility, it is how I have learned to act, from the time I was a child.  But I can see as I really work on this icon that I am still full of pride.

The wonderful thing I can see is how much I have changed in the two years since my last class.  At that time I couldn’t put my phone away, and I was leaving from time to time to answer “very important” calls from work.  What a jackass!  This time, my phone is put away.  I am not that important.  Anyone can figure anything about my job out, it doesn’t take my “very special” talents.  And also, as I listen to the new people in the class talk about their artistic abilities, I recall that I once did that.  At my first class.  I recall jealousy about other’s “better” icons.  I recall wanting to have a GREAT icon.  None of these are my attitudes today.  I want God to show me what he wants to show me, and if that means an icon I am not “happy” with, so be it.

I just wanted to check in.  I am still too tired for words.  Perhaps tomorrow morning I will regain some energy.

 

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12 Responses to Intensity

  1. Syd says:

    This sounds like a project on many dimensions. Being absorbed in something that holds such passion for you is good. I hope that you will feel rested and refreshed soon.

  2. Hope says:

    I went to work today for the first time in 9 months. There were 1200 emails in my inbox. Maybe a handful, at best, were important. I used to obsessively check my work email at home on days off. My position at work was filled by someone else while I was gone and the organization carried on just fine. There was a part of me that thought it wouldn’t or couldn’t! It’s a good kind of humbling and for the most part I can even laugh at myself and how serious I’ve been about it.
    The class sounds wonderful.

    • I’m glad to hear you are back to work! It’s hurtful and joyful at the same time to realize we are not indispensable. I think it might be more joyful than hurtful though 🙂

  3. Annette says:

    I love the last two paragraphs. Seeing who we really really are…..thankfully God only gives us small little glimpses at a time or we might give up in despair. We always have the hope present that what He reveals, He will also show the way to a solution. He brings hope for restoration, not condemnation.
    I’m so glad you are taking your class and that it is ministering to your spirit so much. I hope you get some rest.

  4. Pammie says:

    I got so much from this post my Mary. I really did.

  5. Kelly says:

    Thank you for sharing this with us, Mary.

  6. atomicmomma says:

    Mary….breathe. You are doing spiritual work here. Imagine how the monks felt when they had to copy books by hand. You are doing God’s work here.

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