That’s a photo from the beginning of the run yesterday. The morning was cool and beautiful. The mountains were stunning in the distance (which you can barely see in the photo). It was nice. And then…. it got hot… real hot. Do you see any shade anywhere in this picture? no. Because there wasn’t any. I was supposed to do 12, but no one else was going farther than 4. One of my coaches said to me, “don’t do 12, just go 10.” But I decided I would feel that the day was somewhat of a failure if I “just” did 10, so I compromised and went 11. Eleven miles is pretty far. Running or even walking on that extremely uneven surface was really tiring. It was 84 degrees when I finished. I was done in for the rest of the day.
And today, I am still done in. Not sure what is going on with this body, because last year I was training for half marathons all summer and was fine. I feel like I am about to die this year. If I gave you a list of all the parts of my body that hurt, it would be so lengthy as to be ridiculous. Even my elbows hurt!
Yesterday afternoon I dragged myself out of bed somehow and got to church. I NEEDED to go to confession. My mouth had totally run away from me. It was out of control. I could not stop talking about my boss and the abuse I have been through in the last 16 months and 1 day. And then, once you start bitching like that, you might as well throw a neighbor or two in the mix. Etc. So I confessed this sin. And for program people, you might be inclined to tell me to do the steps on it, and I am still considering that for after I am gone from this job. But I really believe this is a sin, and I needed to get it off my chest and get the instant relief that comes from admitting the ugly truth, and have someone tell me the truth back, and absolve my sin.
He said “You can’t just TRY to stop talking like this, because you will just keep doing it. If you really want to stop, you have to have a plan and follow through with it.” OH! I can’t wish my behavior would change, I have to participate in the change. Yes. Somehow this sounds very familiar, I now have a plan, and I can do this, with the help of God.
Maybe when the depression leaves, you are left with some residue. I don’t know. I know that on Friday when my boss shouted at me that she was still my boss, I quickly told her I have enough vacation time to walk out of there and never come back. Yikes. My Mouth Has Got To Be Bridled. NOW.
I really know that the depression is gone (for now). I find myself crying all the time. It may sound counter-intuitive that crying seems like a sign of good mental health, but for me it is. I am crying with joy, I am crying with sadness, I am crying with all kinds of things. I have always been a big crier. Memorial Day is a big day for crying in my book. But the real thing here is that all those layers of depression are gone, and I am left to actually FEEL stuff. I was FEELING how awful I felt before, but little else. Now I can listen to a song on the radio and cry. Cry at Mass when we sang “Holy God, We Praise Thy Name.”
Nearly cried this morning with the joy in knowing I was going to my home group. I sat in that meeting and just felt that I was soaking up love. There is so much love in that room. So much history between us. So much recovery! So many resentments gone. So many relationships healed. Just Love, Real Love, Amoung Real Humans – Real Alcoholic Humans. I sat next to a woman I used to hate, and she used to hate me right back. I think we love each other now with the intensity we used to put into hating. I told her I woke up this morning with joy in knowing that I was going to the meeting and I was going to sit next to her! And she didn’t look at me like I was nuts, because she knows where I am coming from.
I had intended to paint the front porch this weekend. So far, the biggest step I have taken towards that end is to purchase a “6 in 1” paint scraper tool. When I asked the man at Ace Hardware what the 6 functions were, he said “I don’t know.” That makes two of us. Buying that tool might end up being the sum total of my progress for the weekend, and if it is, that will be OK.
When I got home from the meeting, I sliced open an ice cold watermelon! It was delicious! I included the sticker from the melon which has a serial number on it and says “trace me!” Oh dear Lord. I washed it really good with detergent and hot water.
Somedays I have the luxury of time to sit down and write. I have done this today. I have even gone back and edited what I have written! This is a LUXURY! It is lovely. It is wonderful.
Holy God, we praise thy name. Lord of all, we bow before thee. All on earth, thy scepter claim, all in heaven above adore thee. Infinite thy vast domain, ever lasting is thy reign.