It’s Sunday

IMG_6185That’s a photo from the beginning of the run yesterday.  The morning was cool and beautiful.  The mountains were stunning in the distance (which you can barely see in the photo).  It was nice.  And then…. it got hot… real hot.  Do you see any shade anywhere in this picture?  no.  Because there wasn’t any.  I was supposed to do 12, but no one else was going farther than 4.  One of my coaches said to me, “don’t do 12, just go 10.”  But I decided I would feel that the day was somewhat of a failure if I “just” did 10, so I compromised and went 11.  Eleven miles is pretty far.  Running or even walking on that extremely uneven surface was really tiring.  It was 84 degrees when I finished.  I was done in for the rest of the day.

And today, I am still done in.  Not sure what is going on with this body, because last year I was training for half marathons all summer and was fine.  I feel like I am about to die this year.  If I gave you a list of all the parts of my body that hurt, it would be so lengthy as to be ridiculous.  Even my elbows hurt!

Yesterday afternoon I dragged myself out of bed somehow and got to church.  I NEEDED to go to confession.  My mouth had totally run away from me.  It was out of control.  I could not stop talking about my boss and the abuse I have been through in the last 16 months and 1 day.  And then, once you start bitching like that, you might as well throw a neighbor or two in the mix.  Etc.  So I confessed this sin.  And for program people,  you might be inclined to tell me to do the steps on it, and I am still considering that for after I am gone from this job.  But I really believe this is a sin, and I needed to get it off my chest and get the instant relief that comes from admitting the ugly truth, and have someone tell me the truth back, and absolve my sin.

He said “You can’t just TRY to stop talking like this, because you will just keep doing it.  If you really want to stop, you have to have a plan and follow through with it.”  OH!  I can’t wish my behavior would change, I have to participate in the change.  Yes.  Somehow this sounds very familiar, I now have a plan, and I can do this, with the help of God.

Maybe when the depression leaves, you are left with some residue.  I don’t know.  I know that on Friday when my boss shouted at me that she was still my boss, I quickly told her I have enough vacation time to walk out of there and never come back.  Yikes.  My Mouth Has Got To Be Bridled.  NOW.

I really know that the depression is gone (for now).  I find myself crying all the time.  It may sound counter-intuitive that crying seems like a sign of good mental health, but for me it is.  I am crying with joy, I am crying with sadness, I am crying with all kinds of things.  I have always been a big crier.  Memorial Day is a big day for crying in my book.  But the real thing here is that all those layers of depression are gone, and I am left to actually FEEL stuff.  I was FEELING how awful I felt before, but little else.  Now I can listen to a song on the radio and cry.  Cry at Mass when we sang “Holy God, We Praise Thy Name.”

Yes, I really took a photo of the hymnal at church!

Yes, I really took a photo of the hymnal at church!

Nearly cried this morning with the joy in knowing I was going to my home group.  I sat in that meeting and just felt that I was soaking up love.  There is so much love in that room.  So much history between us.  So much recovery!  So many resentments gone.  So many relationships healed.  Just Love, Real Love, Amoung Real Humans – Real Alcoholic Humans.   I sat next to a woman I used to hate, and she used to hate me right back.  I think we love each other now with the intensity we used to put into hating.  I told her I woke up this morning with joy in knowing that I was going to the meeting and I was going to sit next to her!  And she didn’t look at me like I was nuts, because she knows where I am coming from.

I had intended to paint the front porch this weekend.  So far, the biggest step I have taken towards that end is to purchase a “6 in 1” paint scraper tool.  When I asked the man at Ace Hardware what the 6 functions were, he said “I don’t know.”  That makes two of us.  Buying that tool might end up being the sum total of my progress for the weekend, and if it is, that will be OK.

IMG_6189

When I got home from the meeting, I sliced open an ice cold watermelon!  It was delicious!  I included the sticker from the melon which has a serial number on it and says “trace me!”  Oh dear Lord.  I washed it really good with detergent and hot water.

Somedays I have the luxury of time to sit down and write.  I have done this today.  I have even gone back and edited what I have written!  This is a LUXURY!  It is lovely.  It is wonderful.

Holy God, we praise thy name.  Lord of all, we bow before thee.  All on earth, thy scepter claim, all in heaven above adore thee.  Infinite thy vast domain, ever lasting is thy reign.

This entry was posted in Depression, Faith, Gratitude, History, Mass, Sobriety, Training. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to It’s Sunday

  1. Annette says:

    I have an opinion about your “unbridled mouth.” You can delete this comment if you would like, but I think you needed to get all of those angry, hurt, honest, complaints….OUT. Yes confession is good, however, I don’t think that what you did was bad. I think it may have been necessary. And now it may be time to move on from having an unbridled tongue…but I don’t think that a little portion of time of purging yourself from all that you have carried for the past months, is wrong or bad. I am glad that you could talk to your priest and that that brought you some relief and encouragement for the future.

    I am a crier too btw. I cry everyday over some thing or another. Good and bad. I am indiscriminate. ❤

    • I agree with you in principle Annette. However, I have crossed the line into talking s*** about her every single chance I get – and even when I don’t get a chance, I will make one. Confronting her is mostly appropriate, except when I make threats I don’t want to carry out. I am veering towards talking in a way that could easily ruin her reputation. She is more than capable of doing that herself, she doesn’t need my help.

  2. Syd says:

    I’m glad that you have decided that you are “bigger” than the situation and can now let it go. You’re leaving and no sense in trashing her. I was so glad to not be around the Director of the laboratory anymore when I retired. I simply felt no need to say anything bad about him or any of the administration because I was done with them. Finis.

    • I pray that I can get out of there being “bigger,” that’s why I need to shut my mouth! I still have that old desire to “show them!” I hope that will leave me.

  3. Chenai says:

    That watermelon looks great. I was thinking even before you said it, that this sounds like something that you could get through with some step work. Then I was also thinking that I believe that your mouth probably doesn’t really need to be bridled. I am a really non-confrontational person and I’ve often looked back in my life and wished I had responded verbally when people crossed lines. But I don’t, and I’m taking it just one day at a time to learn new things. So when people actually express themselves I think that’s pretty cool.

    • Chenai, Before I got sober, I would let things slide until I blew up. But when I got sober, I swung WAY over to the other side. My mouth is quick with a snappy retort. Others say, “I wish I could think that quick,” and I will always tell them that I sometimes have to spend years trying to undo one minute’s worth of satisfaction. I have a very good reputation in my workplace, I don’t want to ruin that in a couple of weeks of letting my mouth run amok. I would rather take the high road.

  4. susan says:

    I know you are going to delete this comment, Mary Christine, but it sounds as if character defects are running the show, and I know when that happens to me, I am in untreated alcoholism, and I am far from God. My ego might tell me that I am close, but my behavior indicates that I am far off the beam. Subtle, untreated resentments can, and have, ruined parts of my life for me in the past. I try to be careful. I might not drink, but I can be a burner of bridges, and that always has backfired for me. Moving on can be tough — a part of me still things I need to generate a big fat F you to do it, but the simple truth is best — I just want something else for my life. Clean up your behavior and move forward with acceptance and grace.

    • Susan, thank you for your concern.

      I would say that your accuracy in knowing I am going to delete your comment is consistent with the accuracy of the rest of your assessment. It has nothing to do with me. I won’t return the favor and offer you an assessment and plan for yourself. After all, I don’t even know you! (Just like you don’t know me)

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