Happy Anniversary Blog

IMG_4609My excuse for posting this photo yet again?  It was the photo I used one year ago today, when starting this blog.

I expected this blog to be short-lived.  In fact, I almost deleted the whole thing a couple of months ago.  At this point, I am so grateful that I logged this journey through the hell of a bad job and the worst bout of depression I’ve ever had.

I actually think from time to time “Oh, it wasn’t that bad.”  If I read any random post from the last year, I can see that it was, indeed, that bad.  A person might wonder what value that has, but it helps me tremendously to realize that I am not exaggerating the severity of the depression, or the severity of the abusive climate I have been in.  It has been difficult.

God has been so very good to me.  He has gotten me through each and every day.  He has provided a way out that I never saw coming.  All with impeccable timing.

If this new/old job had been presented to me a year ago, I would have turned it down.  I still had the illusion that my career trend needed to be upward.  When it almost ended, and I realized how relieved I was, I realized that I may have gotten as far, or further, than I ever needed – career-wise.  I am not meant to be in the ivory tower with all those folks.  I am happy to be with regular workers working with real patients – real people with names we actually care about individually.  Not just collectively, the great abstract, “the patients.”  No, we know these men and women.  They are real.

My pride has been decimated.  Although it was terrible, and the treatment was not right or justified, my pride probably needed trimming a bit.  I will certainly bring a different attitude to the workplace than I had before.  Happy to be a worker among workers, happy to be where I am, and not dreaming to be somewhere else.  I’ve been “somewhere else,” and it nearly killed me.

Yesterday I attended a party where a long time friend was celebrating 30 years of sobriety.  It was lovely.  Sitting outdoors on a warm May afternoon.  Her husband had supplied the food.  When I got there I was starving and was confronted with a choice of ribs, barbequed beef, or barbequed chicken.  There were a couple of dried up beans on the bottom of a dish.  And for a vegetable?  Tortilla chips.  I broke down and had a piece of chicken.  Then instead of going to Mass as I had planned, I ran home in horrible stomach pain.

So, this morning I went to a meeting at 7:30 and Mass at 10:30.  It was a revelation to me.  I invariably go to Mass either on Saturday evening or early Sunday morning – never after 8 a.m.  Amazing to be at this Mass with young families, a full choir, and a leisurely pace.  No other Masses followed, so we had Pentecost Sunday at a pace worthy of Pentecost Sunday.  We were dressed in our red, interesting to see the variations.  There is a shade of red-orange I call “Pentecost Red,” and whenever I see it, I buy it.  I love it, and I love to wear it on Pentecost and Palm Sunday.

As I got to Mass and lit a candle, I wondered why it is that I always try to “squeeze” Mass into Saturday night or early Sunday morning.  It often causes me anxiety and rushing all over the place.  I was “forced” to go to this later Mass today and found that I loved it.  Why can’t I consider Mass the central part of my Sunday?  And try to rest for the remainder of the day.  I might actually feel better if I did that.  We’ll see.

I want to thank anyone who has stuck with me for the last year as I have logged my daily journey.  It can’t have been fun to read.  It certainly wasn’t fun to write most of it.  But in posting it here, I frequently found that I was not alone.  That is the most important thing of all.

Thank you.

 

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This entry was posted in Depression, Faith, Feasts, Mass. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Happy Anniversary Blog

  1. Annette says:

    We all like to know we aren’t the only ones struggling in this world Lovey. Not to mention that you navigate your struggles with a grace and faith that is inspiring to the rest of us co-travelers.

  2. Mary LA says:

    Happy blog birthday! I love the idea of Pentecost red, won’t you post a pic of it sometime?

  3. Syd says:

    I realize that I am happier being a worker among workers and not succumbing to my ego to think that I have to lead a group or organization. I decline those offers now to be President of some organization to which I belong. I would rather just assist and do my bit. Much less stress for me which is important at this point in my life.

  4. Hope says:

    Happy blog anniversary! I am so glad you have blogged through this past year. Your journey has helped me in my own. I am really happy for you about your new work situation.

  5. Vanessa Campbell says:

    Happy Blog Anniversary! Wishing you many more years ahead…good times and bad times.

  6. Daisyanon says:

    Lovely photo Mary. I’m glad you didn’t take your blog down. I’ve had my pride taken down a few pegs in recent years. I don’t like it, but it has been good for me. I have spent a lot of time trying to be a square peg in a round hole and it only made me unhappy.

  7. Chenai says:

    Happy Anniversary. I knew it was coming because I actually wrote about you closing your blog to open a new one around this time last year in my own journal. Isn’t that funny? You’re in the journal of a total stranger. Sigh.

  8. Kelly says:

    Yes, you certainly aren’t alone. One of the reasons I read you is because there was something I saw in you, as a person, back at your old blog. When you started sharing about your depression, I could really relate. There are other things you’ve shared about, too, that I have related to and I found you had a nice way of writing about it all. I’m glad you haven’t deleted your blog, or decided to just stop writing. I think I would’ve always wondered about you if that had been the case.

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