All the live long day

IMG_6117This was my view from my big meeting yesterday.  Normally the shades are closed because the sun shines so brightly into people’s eyes.  Before the meeting started, I thought I would open up just one shade so that I could look at the Cathedral and the clouds.  I tried to crop the forefront buildings in the photo this morning, but it looks phony when I do…. so that’s the way it looked, and it brought me great comfort.

I had a strange conversation with my new boss earlier this week.  By yesterday morning, I was despairing of ever getting out of my current job.  As I rode the bus, as I walked to my building through the dirty alley, as I entered my code on the shabby back door, as I went up the elevator to my floor, as I walked to my shitty cubicle… I felt like jumping out of a window if I could never get out of  there.  As I have felt that way over the last 15 months, I thought it was depression.  But I am not nearly so depressed when I think I can get out of there.  When I think I am stuck, I am despondent and desperate.  

I called the new boss when I got in and asked for clarification.  She had asked me to wait another week to announce to my larger circle that I am leaving.  It is because the person whose job I am taking has yet to tell anyone she is retiring, and has yet to put in her paperwork.  And yet, I was told to give notice, and I did – a full two weeks ago.  My current boss says “oh, don’t worry, you still have this job if that one falls apart.”  Oh God in Heaven…. NO!  But my new boss reassured me, and I was able to tell a few people confidentially that I am leaving.  One was thrilled because I will be working with her.  One was believably saddened because I will no longer be working with her.  On Monday I am sending out massive e-mails telling people what I am doing.  In the meantime, this is a BAD limbo feeling.

I started perseverating on my boss’ comment on Monday.  “you look like you’re senile.”  If I were to stay in that job, I would be compelled to file an official complaint/grievance, whatever.  But I am not staying, and I am not going to ruin a year of my life fighting with her.  I want to leave with a big fat smile on my face.  One of my friends said “but she will just do this to someone else.”  I am sorry that I don’t care more about that, but honestly, I just. do. not.  

I also hope to soon be done with public transportation.  Their improvement’s impact on me:  They have decimated the bus schedule, I have a very limited choice of buses to take, and so does everyone else.

The line in front of me

The line in front of me

This was the line in front of me the other day.

The line behind me

The line behind me

And the line behind me.  Every bus I have taken since the light rail has been late.  And overcrowded.

If you do what they are encouraging, and take the train, it takes an hour for what takes 20 minutes on the bus.  And this is progress.  

I was having coffee the other day with a woman I barely knew.  As we  sat in the cafe, a reporter from the deenvver poest came by and said hello to her.  He is doing stories about the new changes.  I was able to tell him my sad tale of woe, including those photos I just posted.  When my friend asked if he wanted to quote me, he said “no, I have more than enough complaint material.”  ha!  

Having dinner with a woman I have known since I got sober tonight. She will be celebrating 30 years later this month.  We have had our highs and lows, including a massive blow out after she betrayed me, but I am pleased to say the program does work and we can move on. We can be friends.  I can love her for who she is and not expect her to be someone else.  She has a terrible problem with gossip.  I can understand that.  I hope to God I have never caused the kind of harm she has.  But I don’t know for sure that I haven’t.  The tongue is a terrible thing.  There is a whole verse in the Bible about it that I would love to post, but as of this moment, I am running a half hour late.  


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9 Responses to All the live long day

  1. Syd says:

    I hope that the transition to leave this job happens on time. But it will happen one way or the other. Hang in there.

    • I would say I am trying, but I really haven’t got a choice. So, I will try to accept what is happening the way it is happening… and hope for some really happy news today.

  2. Kelly says:

    I’m glad to hear you say that the program works.

    I’m sorry you feel that way about your job. Like Syd said, hang in there. It’s almost over. You can do it.

  3. Mary LA says:

    The person who replaces you will no doubt also leave — I hope there are official complaints made and some kind of accountability structure put into place. What a difficult workplace.

    There are more denunciations of gossip (bearing false witness) in the Bible than of any other sin or wrongdoing. But it remains a dark joy in our lives.

    • Mary, I am not being totally irresponsible, I have made endless complaints to her boss, that is why I hesitate to make another. He is the gentlest and kindest man, but seems to have a soft spot for her. I have lived long enough to know when to pick my battles.

      I was told recently that it is the WORST sin of all. And now I find myself in the confessional all of the time, talking about this, praying about this, asking for help. And still there is a huge part of me that says, I hardly even have a problem with gossip – look at so-and-so, etc. Which is just more of the same. These sins are very cunning.

  4. Pammie says:

    Oh girl, it will be a happy day when you get to pack up your coffee cup and wave goodbye.

  5. quillain says:

    I hope you have a good day. As good a day as possible!

    I enjoy public transportation, but trains are not as great as some planners seem to think they are. Once they are in place, they can’t easily be moved. Buses can go anywhere roads can. More buses, please!

    I need to pray about my problems with gossip. I don’t like how often I gossip. What I really don’t like is how often I will sit quietly, not sure how to change the topic, when someone gossips at me. I have a great terror of upsetting or offending people by asking them not to talk about something with me.

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