Trying to remain hopeful

IMG_6084When the snow began on Monday I took this photo outside my office.  Then it kept snowing and I believe we got 8 to 10 inches of the stuff.  Please, may it melt today.  May I be able to open a window and listen to birds singing sometime before next winter.  Please.

I was working off site yesterday, eating lunch with a colleague, when I got an e-mail from my boss.  It was my frigging performance evaluation.  Seriously.  By e-mail.  Of course, I looked at it and then tried to maintain my composure with my colleague… who I had just been defending my boss to.  I knew she was going to do this, but still was shocked and hurt when she did it.  She wrote a basically glowing report of how wonderful I am, and then threw a little caveat into each section, sometimes having to use the same caveat in different sections.  In other words, she knew what the score needed to be, and she worked backwards from there.  All that to keep me from getting a 1% raise.  I spend more than that on my cable bill.  Whatever.  I cried last night, I cried this morning.  Now I have to go off to yet another off site meeting and try to act like I am a confident, smart, helpful person after realizing that all of these things helped me not one whit during the most horrendous year of my life.

At this point, I can’t imagine why anyone else would want to hire me, so I am not exactly looking forward to good news later today.  But I am praying for it.

If you could say a prayer, I would be so appreciative.


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12 Responses to Trying to remain hopeful

  1. Jeanne says:

    The attorney in me cannot help but ask a few questions: Have you had a rocky performance based relationship with your supervisor? If so, has the supervisor been approached outside of the normal review period for a progress assessment to enable you to correct her complaints? Are you over 40? Is the supervisor trying to push you out in order to hire a younger worker? Are you female? (Don’t laugh, I know the answer, but this puts you in a protected class). Does the personnel manual allow for transmission of official performance evaluations via electronic means? Do you have rebuttal opportunities to the evaluation? Does your supervisor have a supervisor?
    I write this not meaning to solicit answers to the questions except in your mind. It is intended to make you think about the absolute need to rebut and document any fact in an evaluation that is unfair or false. (There are often more than two sides to every story.) Nonetheless, you must not fall into the trap of victimizing yourself as an employee that no one would want to hire based on this record. You have protected rights to set the record straight should you choose to do so. You may be thinking that this is not important since you want to leave, however, these things follow us into future employment if we let them whether in writing or in our heads. So it does become important to fight for yourself as hard as you would fight for someone else in the same situation. We have all seen this, and I have particularly seen this with female supervisors who are threatened by more talented workers. Do not be intimidated by a title on a name tag. As we travel this journey we call life, we are called to tell our truths and give them voice. Perhaps God is giving you the opportunity to declare just what kind of child of God you are. It will clearly be your choice. Psalm 94: 16-19. “Who will rise up for me against the wicked? Who will take a stand for me against evildoers? Unless the Lord had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

    • Jeanne,
      Thank you very much. All good food for thought.
      She started the evaluation process last year by telling the whole department it was meaningless. I argued with her. I have argued with her throughout the year.
      She gave me an interim eval 6 months ago that was glowing. And even said “See? I told you it would be OK.” But in the meantime, they decided to attach money to it, and only 15% of all state employees can be a level three, so I am a level 2. Because I am sure the managers all need to be level 3s. Whatever.

      I have a solution.
      Thank God.

  2. Mary LA says:

    You’re in my prayers. And I hope your spring arrives soon.

  3. Syd says:

    I hope that you get the good news today. I haven’t heard of an evaluation being sent by email before unless it was a draft to give a person an opportunity to add information. One of the things that I liked to do was to give each person I supervised an opportunity to tell me what they thought their performance was for each job objective and what their accomplishments were. It truly helped me to see more than my view of them.

  4. Susan Brown says:

    Being in HR myself, I’ve never heard of an evaluation being sent via email. I also am VERY aware that many female supervisors feel threatened by those they supervise, especially if that person is more qualified and knowledgeable than them. Sorry you are having such difficulty at work. Hang in there. Spring is on the way!! (surely it will be soon!!)

  5. jackie says:

    I faithfully read your blog daily. I have listened to your work life and have been saddened by the less than professional spirit there. You have so many gifts (that you list my dear) one being your true ability to speak clearly and with grace. This young “boss” , if that is what we have to call her, is missing a few key ingredients to being a succesfull leader. LEADER not BOSS.
    I cry with you, I laugh with you and I keep you in my prayers. You are worthy and you know it. They keep putting this nonsense in you that you can’t fight off any longer.
    I wanted you to hear from your reader(s) how much i enjoy reading your words, being a part of your life (albeit from afar).
    I sit here daily reading what you write and think, ‘man if I could have 1/2 the brain MC has..” no kidding. Us ‘woman’ folk need to stick together, especially those of us still working after 50ish.

    Head up, cheer up…………….

    We need your daily musings.


  6. sue tegland says:

    For a difference of 1% it sounds like she went to a lot of trouble to give an unfair eval, unfairly delivered. You deserve better; may it already have come to pass.

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