Day Four

IMG_6032This is $78. worth of groceries.  A lot for one person.  But, this new lifestyle (vegan) requires me to go get a few items.  They are not cheap items.  But they will last a long time.  I needed tahini.  Miso.  Spirulina.  Nice green greens.  Coconut oil.  Bulgur wheat.  You get the picture.  So nice to be doing this.

Honestly, it kind of reminds me of when I quit drinking (by the Grace of God).  Everything was different.  It was like something was not exactly missing, but the world tilted about 45 degrees.  Entirely different.

This morning after my run with the running club, we had bagels and coffee.  I took a half a bagel and started spreading cream cheese on it.  Just as quickly as I realized what I was doing, I put the knife full of cream cheese back in the cream cheese container and ate my bagel plain.  I asked myself if I really missed cream cheese, and the amazing answer was “no.”

I got my hair cut this afternoon.  It is now a style I like.  When you cut your hair all off and then change your mind, it takes about a year to change it back.  It is now a cute short cut that will grow into a bob.  For most of my life I have had this haircut.  It looks good on me.  Sometimes it is shorter and sometimes longer.  Sometimes I get some layers carved into it.  And sometimes colors.  Right now it is pretty short, but the layers are slowly being eliminated off the bottom.  The color is mostly my own natural color.  A sandy blonde with gray.  Not one other person in the world can see the gray.  I show them.  I walk outside in the sunshine and show them exactly where it is, and they all shrug.  I think it is a majorly big deal!  I have gray hair!  I lived long enough for this!  Amazing.

It makes me want to cry just to write this stuff.  Do you know why?  Because it is normal life stuff.  I am not dying of depression.  I am not wondering how I will get through this day and tomorrow.  I am not dreading Monday.   I feel as though the person I used to be and accept and even love is back.  I really like her.  I am so happy she is back.   I don’t want to be too loud about it though because I am really fearful that another episode is around the corner, or maybe just another relapse into the same episode.

Enough of that!!!  I am going to Mass tonight at my new church which I love.  I will get there early enough to say Rosary with the ladies.  I think those ladies at daily Mass and with the Rosary beads are all that is keeping this world together sometimes.

Perhaps someday I can be one.

If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step.  the first step is to realise that one is proud.  And a biggish step too.  At least, nothing whatever can be done before it.  If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.  — C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.


This entry was posted in Depression, Food, Hope, Mass. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Day Four

  1. Annette says:

    I think we have switched places. Ugh.

    I am enjoying hearing about your eating changes though. I hope you keep sharing about that. And I am so very happy that you are content once again. Happy to be in your own skin, even with a few grey strands….lol, I have those too! It really is an amazing evolution, isn’t it?

  2. Tami says:

    I started getting gray at 19. What surprises people is how much it bothers me today. My name is no longer Tami but Ms. Tami. And I will not colour it because it is not short therefore costly and I fear I will not keep it up. My mother said I’m too old to have long hair. Still a rebel!
    I’m trying to stay in today with the depression. Having problems sleeping which isn’t helping but your blog has helped me seek solutions outside my comfort zone. Pretty much everything! So glad you are on the good side today.

  3. Syd says:

    A lot of good things going on for you now. Amazing how costly eating healthy can be. We are so careful about what we eat. But I still crave a piece of homemade pizza on occasion!

  4. Nancy G says:

    So glad you are feeling more like yourself. Isn’t it funny how a good haircut can make the difference? It’s the competitiion with the gray that can be a challenge at times! 🙂

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