Relief

IMG_6028Yesterday morning at work my back hurt so bad I decided to take a walk.  There is a building very close to mine that we refer to as the “prism building.”  There are prisms galore inside, and windows, and little rainbows cast on all manner of surfaces, such as the sidewalk in photo.  So pretty!  And I am old enough to see those colors as a rainbow, not a political statement.

My back is out of control!  This week I am trying to resume my running.  I had no idea how out of shape I managed to get with minimal activity for the last three months.  Everything hurts, and I haven’t even done any considerable mileage – and I am walking for a large part of it.  Oh man.

Day 3 of plant based diet, still wondering how I can do this.  But just like when I stopped eating meat, I don’t really miss anything.  So weird.

I hope to work for only a couple of hours this morning and then come home.  My boss told me to take the day off, but I didn’t get my work 100% finished yesterday.  I wanted to look at it with fresh eyes this morning.  I hate sending things out with errors.  And I seem to be very error prone.  Little stupid things, like updating rates, and then forgetting to put the new denominator on the slide.

It is going to be a great day.  Which reminds me, I had a conversation with a woman on the bus the other day.  We talked about how cold it was and how grateful we were for the nice warm bus.  She said she was also grateful she is not living in a cardboard box.  I agreed.  Then she quickly said “I’ve made some choices so that I don’t end up in a cardboard box.”  I murmured something about life not being quite that certain.  She continued to talk about all of her wonderful “choices” that have made her life wonderful and secure today.

It’s nice to say you had a choice or have a choice when it all works out for you.  When you are trapped by circumstances or illness, the idea of
“choice” sounds like a bit more of a luxury.

When I was so depressed I couldn’t see straight, people would actually tell me that they make the decision to be happy, or have a good day, or whatever.  Nice for them.

Today I can make that choice.  But it is only because I am not being utterly controlled by a disease.  Lovely, lovely, lovely.  But I should never decide that others are able to make the same choice, because I think that luxury of making choices is definitely a luxury.  And I thank God for it.

Bless the Lord, sun and moon, sing praise to him and highly exalt him for ever.  — Daniel 3:39

 

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4 Responses to Relief

  1. Hope says:

    people would actually tell me that they make the decision to be happy, or have a good day, or whatever. Nice for them.

    I wish I didn’t understand this but I surely do. I am grateful the fog is lifting for us both.
    Lovely photo.

  2. Syd says:

    I hate back pain. I have some on occasion in my lower back but yoga and other exercises have helped it a lot. I hope that you have a day filled with rainbows.

  3. atomicmomma says:

    I can’t stand when people who have never experienced depression tell someone who is in the midst of battling depression that they choose to be happy. Anyone who says that is ignorant and never battled depression.

    My father has late stage Parkinsons and the lack of dopamine in his brain causes depression at times yet I have family members tell me he has a “horrible attitude”. Really? You live his physical life one tell and tell me about how you “choose” to be happy after 25 years if battling Parkinsons.

    The next time you hear this garblegop tell these folks the next time they meet a person battling cancer or some other horrific disease to tell that person they, “…..choose to live cancer free.” and they can pass this priceless wisdom on to these people.

    Hmph.

  4. Chenai says:

    Hello Mary,

    That must have been a frustrating conversation you had with the lady on the bus. I often contemplate the idea of merit based achievements, and what a fallacy the concept is in certain contexts. A lot of people don’t realise that while many of their accomplishments in life have come from simply being hard working, or making the right choices, several others come simply from being privileged. The privilege of not being depressed is a perfect example that this woman overlooked.

    Gah.

    There are so many things that people only have because they were born in the right place at the right time, for which they should not entirely take credit for, while making those who don’t have those same things feel bad about it. You are right to ignore people like the woman on the bus who try to place blame on those who can’t just “be happy”, because not having depression is a privilege. In the meantime, do you girl! One day at a time. Push push push.

    Happy Saturday!

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