Please don’t look too close

 
IMG_5955Last night I attended Mass at the nearest church.  I truly appreciated it because I couldn’t have driven any farther.  The snow was so heavy, the wind so strong, the roads so bad.  I do like the friendliness of this church.  But there is so much that I don’t like.  But why should Mass be aesthetically pleasing?  It isn’t about that, is it?  It is about the Body and Blood of Christ, that ought to be enough.

If you are wondering how I am, I will tell you I am leery of reporting.  Some days I feel like I am almost my old self (today was one of those days).  But then something will happen, ten days ago it was someone being incredibly rude to me – and hours of crying and despair follow.  Then the self-loathing that comes from that – knowing that I should be able to deflect stupid people, and not let them enter into my soul.  Believe me, that doesn’t help… and then I am more discouraged because…. it is an ugly cycle.  I did confront this person this week, told her she was incredibly condescending and that we have to work together, we might as well be pleasant “and after all, we’re both nice people.”  I found out she was very upset by our conversation.  Well, I was upset too.

Today, I went to my home group.  Did I ever tell you all that a very creepy man is stalking me there?  I was terrified this morning when I realized the man who always walks me to my car when I leave the meeting wasn’t there.  I sat through the meeting trying to strategize.  Should I leave early?  No.  It would leave open the possibility of us being alone in the parking lot – I could envision him picking me up and putting me in his car.  Sounds crazy, but I was once abducted like that. I prayed.  I even got my rosary beads out of my purse and had them in my hands – in an AA meeting!  Yikes.  But I left the meeting and the man was no where to be found.  Thank you God.  This is a man I went on one date with in 1989.  He asked me for coffee almost a year ago, when I was having a cup of coffee with him,  I realized that he was the one who extrapolated one date in 1989 into a “relationship.”  Well, wouldn’t you know it, he did the same thing in 2012.  He hasn’t gotten less creepy over time.  But I did get out of there.  Phew.

I stopped and got coffee and a little egg sandwich, packed it in my large bag, and went to the theater to meet my friend.  She wanted me to see Quartet.  I made her promise me it isn’t depressing.  It wasn’t.  It was wonderful.  I loved that movie.  I am certain I will some day purchase it, and the blue ray player necessary to play it.  (My DVD player died a few months ago.)

The sun was shining on the brilliant white snow.  The streets were clean.  I could feel spring somewhere off in the not so far away distance.  I got to sit in a theater with my friend.  We have so much fun.  It was especially nice today because we were the only people in the theater!  Imagine that!  It seems not many people go to movies on Sunday morning at 9:00.  Silly them, it is wonderful.

If I can just stick to the small things, like the movie, the pierogies for lunch, the correspondence I have to catch up on.  The fact that friends and family have thought enough about me to actually write on a card and mail it to me.  The fact that friends and family are actually concerned about me.  That never happens!  They always say “I know you’ll be fine.”  That might be one of the meanest things to ever say to anyone.

Anyway, I am feeling better for the moment.  But I am reminded of what I used to say, many, many years ago.

Someone:  How are you?

Me:  I’m fine if you don’t look too close or ask too many questions.

Kidding aside…. I am sober.  I am loved.  I love many people.  I am loved by God and I love him right back.

For he does not willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men.  — Lamentations 3:33

 

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This entry was posted in Depression, Faith, Friends, Mass, Prayer, Sobriety. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Please don’t look too close

  1. Syd says:

    Glad that it was a nice day and that we didn’t read about you on the news being abducted from an AA meeting! It’s good to have the normal days of just sheer joy and gratitude.

  2. Annette says:

    I think saying, “you will be fine” is like saying…”I have faith in you and the God you serve.” Not a negative or a pacifying comment at all, if you keep your eyes on who and what your sustenance is.
    It sounds like you are in a process Mary. Its just so hard some days, this I know. But I do believe that you ARE most certainly in a relationship with a God who sustains you. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to even have enough strength and wisdom to figure it all out by yourself.
    As to the nasty co-worker….yay you!
    and the stalker….yikes, be careful. I will be praying for God’s angels to surround you. Thank you for writing and sharing your journey here with us Mary. It truly does mean so much to me to be able to read you.

    • The “you’ll be fine” would be fine – except that it is usually the reasoning behind why someone didn’t call, didn’t visit, didn’t seem to care. Also another indication that I give the impression of being tough as nails.

  3. patty says:

    All sounds very nice! I am always puzzled when people are “hurt” when we are direct with them in a kind and loving way. Got a glipse of spring this weekend, temps in the 50’s and 60’s. Very rejuvinating!

    • I don’t think I was really that loving, but I certainly was direct! That confrontation has had ripples and I think it will change the way people are treating each other. I am glad of that.

  4. Mary LA says:

    Sending you a long email for the start of the Conclave. Aesthetics, the beautiful, does matter and the Church has always known this. But that is not always the most important thing. Remember Keats’ poem on ‘Truth is beauty/beauty is truth’?

    Glad you got away safely from that meeting. So many of the extremes of mood you mention are part and parcel of that nightmare called depression. Take care, Mary Christine, you are loved.

    • I agree Mary that aesthetics do matter. I think they just might matter a bit too much to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am in church just to hear the music and look at the stained glass.

      I am practically breathless waiting for the new pope. I “adopted a Cardinal” to pray for – for the Holy Spirit to guide, protect, and enlighten. I am praying for George Alencherry from India.

  5. Kelly says:

    I’m glad you were able to walk safely to your car!

    Also, I think I can relate to that bit about being fine as long as one doesn’t look too close. Some days are worse than others, but I’m getting used to that. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing, I suppose it’s just a thing.

    I hope you have a good week,

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