Last night I attended Mass at the nearest church. I truly appreciated it because I couldn’t have driven any farther. The snow was so heavy, the wind so strong, the roads so bad. I do like the friendliness of this church. But there is so much that I don’t like. But why should Mass be aesthetically pleasing? It isn’t about that, is it? It is about the Body and Blood of Christ, that ought to be enough.
If you are wondering how I am, I will tell you I am leery of reporting. Some days I feel like I am almost my old self (today was one of those days). But then something will happen, ten days ago it was someone being incredibly rude to me – and hours of crying and despair follow. Then the self-loathing that comes from that – knowing that I should be able to deflect stupid people, and not let them enter into my soul. Believe me, that doesn’t help… and then I am more discouraged because…. it is an ugly cycle. I did confront this person this week, told her she was incredibly condescending and that we have to work together, we might as well be pleasant “and after all, we’re both nice people.” I found out she was very upset by our conversation. Well, I was upset too.
Today, I went to my home group. Did I ever tell you all that a very creepy man is stalking me there? I was terrified this morning when I realized the man who always walks me to my car when I leave the meeting wasn’t there. I sat through the meeting trying to strategize. Should I leave early? No. It would leave open the possibility of us being alone in the parking lot – I could envision him picking me up and putting me in his car. Sounds crazy, but I was once abducted like that. I prayed. I even got my rosary beads out of my purse and had them in my hands – in an AA meeting! Yikes. But I left the meeting and the man was no where to be found. Thank you God. This is a man I went on one date with in 1989. He asked me for coffee almost a year ago, when I was having a cup of coffee with him, I realized that he was the one who extrapolated one date in 1989 into a “relationship.” Well, wouldn’t you know it, he did the same thing in 2012. He hasn’t gotten less creepy over time. But I did get out of there. Phew.
I stopped and got coffee and a little egg sandwich, packed it in my large bag, and went to the theater to meet my friend. She wanted me to see Quartet. I made her promise me it isn’t depressing. It wasn’t. It was wonderful. I loved that movie. I am certain I will some day purchase it, and the blue ray player necessary to play it. (My DVD player died a few months ago.)
The sun was shining on the brilliant white snow. The streets were clean. I could feel spring somewhere off in the not so far away distance. I got to sit in a theater with my friend. We have so much fun. It was especially nice today because we were the only people in the theater! Imagine that! It seems not many people go to movies on Sunday morning at 9:00. Silly them, it is wonderful.
If I can just stick to the small things, like the movie, the pierogies for lunch, the correspondence I have to catch up on. The fact that friends and family have thought enough about me to actually write on a card and mail it to me. The fact that friends and family are actually concerned about me. That never happens! They always say “I know you’ll be fine.” That might be one of the meanest things to ever say to anyone.
Anyway, I am feeling better for the moment. But I am reminded of what I used to say, many, many years ago.
Someone: How are you?
Me: I’m fine if you don’t look too close or ask too many questions.
Kidding aside…. I am sober. I am loved. I love many people. I am loved by God and I love him right back.
For he does not willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men. — Lamentations 3:33