I am more excited about this storm than a person probably should be. Somehow I slept until 8 o’clock this morning, which is phenomenal. At that time the snow had been falling for a few hours, but it was coming straight down, big fluffy flakes. At 3:30 this morning, I woke and saw only a sprinkling of snow. Now it is blowing all over the place. Usually in a storm, only one side of the house will be plastered with snow and ice. In this storm every window is covered with ice and snow. In fact my sliding glass door on the back of the house is becoming difficult to open due to the ice plastered all over it. There are drifts on my deck, which I will need eventually to shovel (because the snow is too heavy for the deck to support).
On Thursday last week I had my appointment with a new psychiatrist. I was terrified it would just be another person who would not listen to me as a person, but listen to the words I say singularly, gleaning out words that belong to a diagnosis in the DSM-IV. e.g., hopeless = depression, agitated = mania, obsessed = OCD, worried about weight = eating disorder, angry = mania and perhaps danger to others, you get the picture. I prayed for a gifted psychiatrist and guess what? I got one!!!!!
He told me he had reviewed my chart and that it made no sense (um, yeah), and would like to start from scratch if I didn’t mind. Oh, I was so relieved! We talked, and he said not only that I had a pretty classic case of major depression with anxiety, but that he would make sure we find a solution to that. He also told me that once I got well (really? I’m going to get well?), he would like for me to talk to a manager at the health care provider and tell them about all my interactions with them over the last few months. And he said that he would support me. Oh, thank you Lord.
When I start getting anxious, I think about the fact that I have two therapists who listen to me and seem to understand me, and now I have a good psychiatrist who listened to me and seems to understand me. That alone is so reassuring.
Yesterday I spent all day making pierogies for a co-worker who is about to give birth, and my son’s family who did just give birth – to my beautiful grandson! I have more filling than I had dough, so I will probably make another batch today. They are yummy delicious. I had four of them last night with sauteed cabbage and sour cream! I can almost feel a babushka wrapping itself around my head!
Was devastated yesterday to hear the news out of the Vatican. Usually I can just reassure myself by saying that all people are fallible. I always remember my two uncles who were priests, one was a pedophile and was one of the first who was prosecuted, defrocked, and lived the rest of his life in shame after spending the first part of his life as an arrogant golden boy, a famous Catholic author, a world traveler and very wealthy. The other was humble man who worked in a very humble assignment, lived in a humble home, and was just a good man. That is the dichotomy in a very personal example to me.
Very personally, I look at my life as a chaste woman. A priest told me I wasn’t celibate, I was chaste. Whatever. Feels like celibacy to me. I have been scrupulous about this, and it is not easy. Really Not Easy. I want to cry to think of what this has cost me while priests at the Vatican are running around having sex with impunity. Really, tears are coming to my eyes.
Last night I went to Mass and thought about the fact that I do believe that at Mass I am receiving the true presence of Christ. Does it really matter what some priests have done? That is what I must focus on. Those saints who have reported on visits to hell always talk about the religious they have seen there.
But I still feel betrayed.
At this moment I am sitting in front of the fireplace in my warm home. Listening to the wind whipping snow all around my house. Today I plan to cook for a while, eat for a while, watch an inordinate amount of TV, including the Oscars tonight. Who could ask for more? (except for a man on the sofa I am intimate with…)
For the sake of his sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world. – from the Divine Mercy Chaplet