Saturday – Day 1 of 4

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The cross at the outdoor Stations of the Cross that I love so much.

Yesterday I went to therapy and this young social work intern was able to say something that persuaded me to open my checking account and see how much money I have and to pay my bills.  I was so frozen in terror about my finances, I just couldn’t deal with it.  (She asked me to consider which discomfort I would prefer, the endless fear of not facing it, or the discomfort of facing what I need to face.)

Yesterday I dealt with it.  I went and got the lien on my house released.  I wouldn’t suggest that as a way to pay bills.  Cost me $122. for a bill that was originally $28.  My power was about to be shut off because I had failed to make my $74. a month payment since November.  In other words, a big fat mess.  I remembered what the big book said and made some phone calls, honestly explaining that I had a bad case of depression that caused this and that I want to get it straightened out.  I don’t think anyone has the ability to help out much in these days of computerized billing, but they at least did try.  I was able to make some payment arrangements that are such a relief.

I arrived at how I will observe this Lent.  Daily Rosary, daily other prayers.  And I will not buy anything for myself for this 40 days.  No shoes, no clothes, no scarves, no running clothes, no nothing.  It will be so good for me.  I normally just run out and buy things I think I “need.”  Yesterday I thought of several things I “need.”  I didn’t run out and buy anything. I prayed for the end of this lust and covetousness instead.

This morning is the first day of four days off.  I slept until 7 o’clock!  Crazy!  It is now 10:15, and I am still lounging in my pajamas, drinking coffee.  Now, this is a Saturday! My therapist told me it is OK to relax, and I am reminding myself of that.  I can’t believe I need a twenty-something social work intern to remind me of everything I used to know, but I apparently do.

I have totally lost my way in the last year.  But I still my sobriety, I have a job (drat!), a home (my mortgage payment has never been late, so far),  friends, family, and the ability to reach out.

God is good.

Bless the Lord, O my soul!  O Lord my God, you are very great!  — Psalm 104

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This entry was posted in Depression, Fear, Prayer, Sobriety, Thrift. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Saturday – Day 1 of 4

  1. Annette says:

    All I can say is that I *felt* this post. It made me cry. The feeling of relief that I know you must have felt at making those calls, you explaining your depression, you being HUMAN, and the courage that took, made me cry. Bless your heart Mary. God uses who He will use to touch our hearts and bring healing….the older we get, its is usually someone much younger! lol

  2. patty says:

    Sometimes we all need to be told what to do, like taking care of ourselves. So glad you have some time off. And, I love those red shoes!

  3. Nancy says:

    Mary, your blog has been so much help to me over several years. I am grateful to hear that you are getting some help. I saw a Denver news story that made me laugh, and I though, who do I know in Denver? And then I thought of you. You may have already seen the story, but I hope it makes you laugh, too. Peace.

    http://jalopnik.com/car-hungry-rabbits-are-devouring-cars-in-denver-fox-ur-222451693

    • I think the rabbits might be more of a problem on the eastern side of town. Here it is squirrels, they eat the linings on the wires of cars. They eat any outdoor lights in my yard. I really dislike them.

  4. Syd says:

    Glad that you faced the fear. It surely does help. We talked a lot about FEAR this weekend at the convention. And about not F__EverythingAndRun as a solution. Happy for you and your Saturday.

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