The cross at the outdoor Stations of the Cross that I love so much.
Yesterday I went to therapy and this young social work intern was able to say something that persuaded me to open my checking account and see how much money I have and to pay my bills. I was so frozen in terror about my finances, I just couldn’t deal with it. (She asked me to consider which discomfort I would prefer, the endless fear of not facing it, or the discomfort of facing what I need to face.)
Yesterday I dealt with it. I went and got the lien on my house released. I wouldn’t suggest that as a way to pay bills. Cost me $122. for a bill that was originally $28. My power was about to be shut off because I had failed to make my $74. a month payment since November. In other words, a big fat mess. I remembered what the big book said and made some phone calls, honestly explaining that I had a bad case of depression that caused this and that I want to get it straightened out. I don’t think anyone has the ability to help out much in these days of computerized billing, but they at least did try. I was able to make some payment arrangements that are such a relief.
I arrived at how I will observe this Lent. Daily Rosary, daily other prayers. And I will not buy anything for myself for this 40 days. No shoes, no clothes, no scarves, no running clothes, no nothing. It will be so good for me. I normally just run out and buy things I think I “need.” Yesterday I thought of several things I “need.” I didn’t run out and buy anything. I prayed for the end of this lust and covetousness instead.
This morning is the first day of four days off. I slept until 7 o’clock! Crazy! It is now 10:15, and I am still lounging in my pajamas, drinking coffee. Now, this is a Saturday! My therapist told me it is OK to relax, and I am reminding myself of that. I can’t believe I need a twenty-something social work intern to remind me of everything I used to know, but I apparently do.
I have totally lost my way in the last year. But I still my sobriety, I have a job (drat!), a home (my mortgage payment has never been late, so far), friends, family, and the ability to reach out.
God is good.
Bless the Lord, O my soul! O Lord my God, you are very great! — Psalm 104