This is my beloved granddaughter meeting her little brother, my first and only grandson.  I am thrilled beyond belief with this little baby boy, and his big sister.  I am thrilled with my son and his wife and their family.  The baby was born yesterday morning.

I have never before worked on the day of the birth of one of my grandchildren.  Even though I had committed to watch my granddaughter while my son and daughter in law were at the hospital, I had no choice but to go to work.  And to work for 12 hours without break.  No wonder I am feeling trapped and unhappy.

Here’s another bit of good news.  I was in crisis last week and earlier this week.  I sent yet another e-mail to my psychiatrist, and she finally agreed to prescribe me 10 mg. of prozac a day.  I have been asking for that since October.  Within 48 hours I felt like I might be able to survive these challenges and this disease called depression.

I went to visit a therapist at the EAP on Thursday and fortunately I now have a gifted therapist.  She helped me tremendously in one hour, and I am going to be seeing her once a week for a while.  My regular therapist will be back in early march and I will be seeing him too.

Tomorrow I shall go to a meeting and see my old friends, including a man who walks me to my car every week after the meeting and talks to me for a half hour or more.  While holding my hand, and kissing me.  Not maniac kisses, just nice soft kisses.  Oh my goodness.

I feel like I need to say, as if a disclaimer – I have been sober since 1984, by the Grace of God and the program of ________.  (you know which one.)  I have done the deal.  For nearly three decades.  And yet I have a world class case of depression.  I don’t believe that writing inventory will help with this, if so, I would have been better a long damn time ago – or wouldn’t have had this at all.   My opinion is that I have an illness, just like diabetes or cancer.  If I had one of those diseases, I would not try to get well by working steps and working with others.  I would seek medical advice and then follow it.  I am doing the same for my depression.

I have a “higher power” who has a name.  It took me 7 years of sobriety to find him at all, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to get to know him as much as I can.  He asks quite a bit of me.  If asked, I tell people I am “religious, not spiritual.”  That is not exactly true, but I am certainly not a believer in a nameless faceless God that I can create in my own image.  I also believe that my God doesn’t always answer my prayers in the way I want.  Sometimes there is more to be gained by God’s having his way with me instead of trying to force my will on Him.  Sometimes?  Probably always.  I have tried to see his will in the last year of my life and I think I can see tiny glimmers of the good that has come of it.  I know that from regularly meditating, I came to an understanding of some of my behaviors, and though I had been trying to change them for years, suddenly the behaviors were gone.

Just like drinking.  When I turned it over to God, the problem was not solved – it was removed.  God can do stuff like that.

So, I have a new grandson.  I have hope in my heart again.  I think I just might make it.

Thanks for your concern and prayers.



This entry was posted in Faith, Family, Hope, Sobriety. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Update

  1. Very good to hear from you — and congratulations on that beautiful baby boy!

  2. Kelly says:

    SO happy to hear this news! about the baby and especially you! I am so glad you found some decent help. Praise God.

  3. atomicmomma says:

    I signed on to leave a note for you to let you know that I’m thinking of you and praying for your recovery. As usual, in the midst of your difficulties, you give me something beautiful instead.

    So happy that your new grandson is here safely and that mother and baby are fine.

    I cried reading this post Mary. Your struggle with depression and refusal to cave in and give up your faith in all things is such an inspiration. I do hope your work situation can change for the better – I believe that your current job has been a trigger for this depression. I also realize that you need this job for practical survival.

    hugs love and healing prayers.

  4. patty says:

    I have been checking every day and was so glad to see a post from you! What a beautiful picture! Love the expression on big sisters face! And look at all that beautiful hair on that boy! I had a feeling you would be getting much unsolicited advice (regarding doing inventory). This post is an answer to my prayer. Glad to hear from you!

  5. Kelly says:

    Mary- so many things to rejoice in this post….I am happy for you!

  6. soberkentuckygirl says:

    So happy to hear from you! Congrats on your new Grandson! Wonderful that you have found the help you were needing and looking for. May God continue to bless you.

  7. kberman says:

    Thank God for you and for Prozac. You knew what you needed. After my 3 month stint of no medication, I returned to my 100 mg. of imipramine because I got tired of living with 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. I am back to 7 hours of sleep at night time and no daytime naps. I function better this way. I learned that I didn’t want to accept that I have chronic depression.

    I quit going to AA 6 months ago. I recognized that AA has no interest in making room for the 25% of us who have more than 1 mental illness. I don’t think addiction is a mental illness but they do. I think addiction is an emotional illness which is why all I write about and for is emotional sobriety. I used alcohol to deal with my mental illness of depression. But when I quit drinking in 1976, my mental illness didn’t go away. I felt like a hypocrite to sit in meetings and pretend stopping drinking made my depression go away.

    But these are my choices. Love the baby. Am praying that your work life gets you to a place where your service will be appreciated and you will be seen as the source of inspiration and joy that you are. I love reading about you. It will get so much better. I know because we both have a loving God who wants to give us the richness of all blessings. We have to ready to receive them. You are getting there.

  8. Mike says:

    Congrats on the new addition to your family. Babies are unblocked from God. They haven’t built up resentment and fear.They are perfect peace.
    Btw,I had done a number of inventories before I accually followed the directions as laid out in our book with the help of someone who had done the same and so on. An inventory isn’t a confession. I was filled hate and fear. I had 276 names with muliple resentments to each name. I had no idea how blocked I was from God. First I looked at how they had affected me whether it was my security(emotional, physical, or financial), my self esteem, my pride, my ambition, my personal or sexual relationships. Then I looked at why I was resentful, Imagined or real resentments. And then finally something I never did was look at “my part” in it, For each resentment I had to see where I was selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and full of fear. I had to get this down on paper. It changed my life. I was living in self delusion. I was living on page 52 of our book sober before that. And that is not even half way thru the steps. Your depression is a symptom of a spiritual illness because of being blocked from God because of resentment, fear, and your sex conduct. That is what our book says. I didn’t make this up. Peace

  9. Number 9 says:

    Yay! So glad things are turning the corner and you have a new grand baby! God is good. I thought of you when I came across depressed catholic.com. Or something like that. Also beyond bue blog on belief net is a good one. Congratulations again on the new baby!!

  10. susan says:

    Ah man, gotta love the adamant alkies! Why not bang the drum for something that worked so well? I will be sober 26 years in March. I love AA, and I have had a spiritual awakening through working the steps. AA has been the gift of my life. I also took an anti depressant in sobriety, and I am glad I did, even though I am very happy I no longer need it now. I have also worked a thorough fourth step, and am glad I did, and those I do continue to work in my sobriety, as I’m sure you do, Mary Christine. For those insistent alkies that single mindedly point to the steps, I just consider that they are still at a point in their journey where they need to hold on really tight to life. To loosen up would be to admit a not-knowing everything stance that requires more comfort with ambiguity in the world, an acceptance that there might be more than one way. How threatening that was for me to see in the earlier years as well. Mary Christine, I am happy you have found some reliable help. I know you don’t find the situation ideal — who would. But you are willing to do what it takes to save your own life and that is a real mark of sobriety. Congrats on the new gran kid.

  11. Syd says:

    What a great thing to have your new grandchild! So glad for you and your family. They will help you along with the therapist and the wonderful program.

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