This is my beloved granddaughter meeting her little brother, my first and only grandson. I am thrilled beyond belief with this little baby boy, and his big sister. I am thrilled with my son and his wife and their family. The baby was born yesterday morning.
I have never before worked on the day of the birth of one of my grandchildren. Even though I had committed to watch my granddaughter while my son and daughter in law were at the hospital, I had no choice but to go to work. And to work for 12 hours without break. No wonder I am feeling trapped and unhappy.
Here’s another bit of good news. I was in crisis last week and earlier this week. I sent yet another e-mail to my psychiatrist, and she finally agreed to prescribe me 10 mg. of prozac a day. I have been asking for that since October. Within 48 hours I felt like I might be able to survive these challenges and this disease called depression.
I went to visit a therapist at the EAP on Thursday and fortunately I now have a gifted therapist. She helped me tremendously in one hour, and I am going to be seeing her once a week for a while. My regular therapist will be back in early march and I will be seeing him too.
Tomorrow I shall go to a meeting and see my old friends, including a man who walks me to my car every week after the meeting and talks to me for a half hour or more. While holding my hand, and kissing me. Not maniac kisses, just nice soft kisses. Oh my goodness.
I feel like I need to say, as if a disclaimer – I have been sober since 1984, by the Grace of God and the program of ________. (you know which one.) I have done the deal. For nearly three decades. And yet I have a world class case of depression. I don’t believe that writing inventory will help with this, if so, I would have been better a long damn time ago – or wouldn’t have had this at all. My opinion is that I have an illness, just like diabetes or cancer. If I had one of those diseases, I would not try to get well by working steps and working with others. I would seek medical advice and then follow it. I am doing the same for my depression.
I have a “higher power” who has a name. It took me 7 years of sobriety to find him at all, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to get to know him as much as I can. He asks quite a bit of me. If asked, I tell people I am “religious, not spiritual.” That is not exactly true, but I am certainly not a believer in a nameless faceless God that I can create in my own image. I also believe that my God doesn’t always answer my prayers in the way I want. Sometimes there is more to be gained by God’s having his way with me instead of trying to force my will on Him. Sometimes? Probably always. I have tried to see his will in the last year of my life and I think I can see tiny glimmers of the good that has come of it. I know that from regularly meditating, I came to an understanding of some of my behaviors, and though I had been trying to change them for years, suddenly the behaviors were gone.
Just like drinking. When I turned it over to God, the problem was not solved – it was removed. God can do stuff like that.
So, I have a new grandson. I have hope in my heart again. I think I just might make it.
Thanks for your concern and prayers.