Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Every now and then I will deviate from my blog’s usual topics and go political, current affairs, or celebrity.  I usually regret it.  Today is no exception.  I wrote this morning my heartfelt reaction to the inauguration.  After 12 hours of non-stop coverage, I don’t think I can stand another word.  At 7 p.m. I am turning on “The Biggest Loser,” I will have a snack and knit my little still unborn baby boy’s blanket.

knit blanketsA friend at work is about to deliver a little girl.  I found the blanket I knit for my nephew’s baby a few years ago.  I had sent him a message telling him I was making a blanket, and silly him, he told me they live in Houston and don’t need a blanket.  OK.  Now I have a beautiful blanket to give to my friend.  The blue blanket is for my grandson.  I will NEVER knit something that complicated again.  There are so many mistakes!  And it has taken me since August to get as far as I am, and I am not yet done.

I’m sick of writing about my depression.  So I think I shall skip it for a while and do a little “faking it.”  Nuff said.

Will only be working 2 days this week.  On Thursday I will be having surgery on my thumb. I am really looking forward to that.  Having a non-functional thumb basically makes your hand a paw, and you can’t do a whole lot with a paw.  On Friday I have scheduled a whole day for “recovery from surgery.”  This is a joke since this surgery is SO minor.  But I need time off very badly.

Going to try to accept the fact that my cognitive function seems to have decreased by about 90%, and try to work to the best of my ability with that.  No, I won’t cry when I make stupid mistakes, I will just accept them and hope I don’t get written up on my job.  And if I get written up, I will prepare to be fired.  And I guess that will be OK too.

I’ve been jobless, penniless, and homeless before.  It is amazing how close you can get to God when you don’t have all the things we get attached to.  Then it is just me and God, no complicating factors.

Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.  Sell your possessions, and give alms; provide yourselves with purses that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys.  For where you treasure is, there will your heart be also.  — Luke 12:32-34


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12 Responses to Back to our regularly scheduled programming

  1. atomicmomma says:

    People say the stupidest things and that comment from your nephew was one of them! Those blankets are beautiful! I love how they both look and your coworker is going to be blown away when she gets it. I just finished my first knitting project that has cables. They are beautiful but I also always try to have a simple knit/purl project for the zen of knitting. As a knitter I know what you mean on mistakes – they are all I look at when i finish a project – just a mirror for how hard we are on ourselves we only see our faults. But I have yet to have the recipient notice it – they love something handmade.

    I hope you’ll consider your old job if the possibility is there. I think your current employment situation is big contributor to your depression. Glad to hear that you are taking advantage of time off – self care is a big tool in the recovery/sobriety toolbox.

    We are studying Fra Angelico this week in homeschool art! I thought of your icons yesterday when I was getting materials together and started to cry. Surely these men who created works of Art to honor God had hard days and hurts and pain (physical and emotional). I wonder what went through their heads and hearts when they were creating these works. Ghiberti spent 20 years on two doors. People would say that was crazy today that someone dedicated a life to that.

    • When my nephew said that I thought that his wife would kick him if she knew. I considered sending it anyway, but it was so much work, I didn’t want it to linger in a closet for years before being thrown away.

      I admire your homeschooling, and especially your curriculum – art!

      If I can go back to the old job I will for sure.

  2. jackie says:

    I have and continue this very same thing. For years I was in a job that I loved and was good at. I left the comfort of that place for a “new” ride. That was 4 years ago. I have not been the same since. I am 53. Sober for 4 years relapsed for a few days on pain meds and now have 1.7 years. I say that just to clarify I don’t believe this has anything with those ‘early’ days or years of sober living. So, the deal for me is this: I question everything I do at this place. I am put in my “proper” place by a domineering control freak. I have gone to my sponsor, I have gone to therapy, anything to help me be ok. The depression is stifling.
    So, please, let me hear from you when things begin to shift. I know that as we age things change. But I am going to have to work till I’m 80 at the rate my financial status is going. BUT! I am in His hands, just as you write. This isn’t a 3rd step deficiancy for me. I dont’ believe. I think the whole change is my downfall. Now, how do I change that? Just my take on my life to hopefully show that we do go through this stuff and it is hard. I am in no way saying I know how your feeling, but I do.
    We keep walking no matter what. Kicking, sreaming…………..
    Coffee. I need Coffee.

    Praying for peace for you!

    • It is amazing how much our work lives effect our well-being. It shouldn’t be though. It is where we spend the majority of our waking hours, and for most of us, we get our identity and feelings of self-worth from our jobs.
      Now my task is to let go of this, because I am not getting that nourishment from work. It sounds like we are on the same page.

  3. Syd says:

    I hope that the surgery goes well. All I can say is that I stayed in the same job at the same place for years. And in those years I was promoted which would have been okay. But when the Director retired, another one came in, and then that one left and the controlling Director took over. I don’t do well with controlling people. I know that I can learn from them on how to not control. But those last five years were pretty unhappy for me who had been happy and loving my job. I was fortunate to be able to retire and get out before I completely lost all interest in the job. Maybe a change would have been better for me–to leave to go to another place. But my wife was three doors down in the Lab from me. And being able to see her every day and talk to her outweighed my moving to another job. The grass isn’t always greener, I guess.

    • I’m so glad you were able to retire. I honestly think the world has changed and the way the world was when we were in our prime (sorry, I couldn’t think of another word) is gone.

  4. quillain says:

    You are in my prayers.

  5. Nancy says:

    You are so strong Mary. I have a friend with MS, an IT Project Manager, who perseveres with many adaptations. She’s a relentless note-taker, because of memory lapses. A scanner on her desk, to capture documents. A Dr note to be seated near the restroom, because of side-effects of a medication mean she needs to “go” urgently. Not worse or better than you or me. She holds her head high and is humble at the same time. I admire her so much. And I admire you so much. Depression is debilitating. I’ve wept reading journal entries from when I was “not depressed,” at seeing the intelligence and competence and confidence.

    I have no wisdom, Mary, but I “feel” you, and my heart goes out to you. Peace.

    • Nancy, Thanks so much for visiting and your kind comment!

      Depression is debilitating, but it is usually temporary. At least that is what I tell myself every day. I am sorry you are also going through this.

      • Nancy says:

        Mary, you are very kind. And my experience is that depression is temporary. Thank God. I hope your temporary ends soon.

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