I took this photo from the bus on one day this week. The bus passes by this french restaurant every day. I often think – I should get one of my friends to go there with me. I have never been. The last b.f. said he would take me, but never did. But this week, I just saw it as a place where young people will go to have first dates, get engaged, and make beautiful memories. Someday they too may sit on the bus and remember. I do love this photo though. Amazing how a bus window combined with another window for a filter make an impressionistic painting!
At the touristy spots, I looked around for couples or families taking each other’s photos. I asked them if they would like for me to take their pictures together. No one turned me down. It was fun. A Japanese tourist couple. A family from somewhere Spanish speaking – maybe Denver for all I know. Young couples in love. Etc. There is always an opportunity to be of service, if you look hard enough.
So, I have decided that I am unlikely to find an intelligent psychiatrist, or patient nurses on the phone. I have somehow crossed the line from a person to a “patient,” and from my years in psych, I know the last thing you want to be is a “patient.” They no longer listen to you. You no longer have any credibility.
Just a small example: On friday I told the nurse that I thought the medication I am now taking not only doesn’t work but has caused me to gain 8 lbs. in 3 months. She got back to me with a message from the doc – who said after reviewing my record, I have gained weight steadily since 2005, and this weight gain would be consistent with that. Really? Let’s see, if I weighed 160 in 2005 and gained 8 lbs. every quarter, that would be 24 lbs. a year. For a grand total of 192 lbs, and would now weigh 352 lbs. Oh, ok. Sorry I mentioned it. And in case anyone is wondering, my weight is approximately what it was in 2005, and 30 lbs. less than it was in 2001.
And the voice mail I got at 5:12 on Friday, while I was in a rare one-on-one meeting with my boss’ boss. Telling me they were closed for the weekend and to go to the ER if I felt worse over the weekend. Oh, ok. Sorry to bother you.
So, it would be unrealistic to expect any help from them. And maybe that is good. I am going to do everything I know how to do to. I will eat right, exercise, pray, meditate, go out and see friends, make phone calls, try to turn my thoughts to others, you get the picture. Those aren’t really ways to get through a depression, they are ways to maintain my sanity in good periods. This isn’t a good period. This is the worst I have ever faced. I feel utterly abandoned and hopeless.
I will keep on keeping on as it all unravels. Unless I can’t anymore.
It was a consolation to see my friends this morning at the meeting. They’ve known me through good and bad – all of my sobriety. They love me just the way I am now, was then, and I suppose how I will be.
You set the earth upon its foundation; from age to age it will stand firm. — Psalm 103