Photos and Thoughts

IMG_5809I took this photo from the bus on one day this week.  The bus passes by this french restaurant every day.  I often think – I should get one of my friends to go there with me.  I have never been.  The last b.f. said he would take me, but never did.  But this week, I just saw it as a place where young people will go to have first dates, get engaged, and make beautiful memories.  Someday they too may sit on the bus and remember.  I do love this photo though.  Amazing how a bus window combined with another window for a filter make an impressionistic painting!

IMG_5821A portion of the stairs I ran yesterday.  You don’t need to remind my legs today.  O.M.G., they hurt!

IMG_5823The view from the top of Red Rocks.  You can see Denver off in the distance.  For all the acts who have played at Red Rocks, I always imagine the Beatles there.  I loved, loved, loved the Beatles.

IMG_5817Do you see people doing push-ups?  As if running up and down at altitude wasn’t enough!  Actually as I ran up and down the stairs, I would run across the seats to the other side and back and forth.

That’s a goony picture of me.  It is really unflattering. Every time I tie a jacket around my waist and forget to take it off for a picture, I regret it.  Oh well.  It was a happy moment.

At the touristy spots, I looked around for couples or families taking each other’s photos.  I asked them if they would like for me to take their pictures together.  No one turned me down.  It was fun.  A Japanese tourist couple.  A family from somewhere Spanish speaking – maybe Denver for all I know.  Young couples in love.  Etc.  There is always an opportunity to be of service, if you look hard enough.

So, I have decided that I am unlikely to find an intelligent psychiatrist, or patient nurses on the phone.  I have somehow crossed the line from a person to a “patient,” and from my years in psych, I know the last thing you want to be is a “patient.”  They no longer listen to you.  You no longer have any credibility.

Just a small example:  On friday I told the nurse that I thought the medication I am now taking not only doesn’t work but has caused me to gain 8 lbs. in 3 months.  She got back to me with a message from the doc – who said after reviewing my record, I have gained weight steadily since 2005, and this weight gain would be consistent with that.  Really?  Let’s see, if I weighed 160 in 2005 and gained 8 lbs. every quarter, that would be 24 lbs. a year.  For a grand total of 192 lbs, and would now weigh 352 lbs.  Oh, ok.  Sorry I mentioned it.  And in case anyone is wondering, my weight is approximately what it was in 2005, and 30 lbs. less than it was in 2001.

And the voice mail I got at 5:12 on Friday, while I was in a rare one-on-one meeting with my boss’ boss.  Telling me they were closed for the weekend and to go to the ER if I felt worse over the weekend.  Oh, ok.  Sorry to bother you.

So, it would be unrealistic to expect any help from them.  And maybe that is good.  I am going to do everything I know how to do to.  I will eat right, exercise, pray, meditate, go out and see friends, make phone calls, try to turn my thoughts to others, you get the picture.  Those aren’t really ways to get through a depression, they are ways to maintain my sanity in good periods.  This isn’t a good period.  This is the worst I have ever faced.   I feel utterly abandoned and hopeless.

I will keep on keeping on as it all unravels.  Unless I can’t anymore.

It was a consolation to see my friends this morning at the meeting.  They’ve known me through good and bad – all of my sobriety.  They love me just the way I am now, was then, and I suppose how I will be.

You set the earth upon its foundation; from age to age it will stand firm.  — Psalm 103

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15 Responses to Photos and Thoughts

  1. Number 9 says:

    My sister took lexapro and felt better but gained 20 pounds. Not sure what you are taking but weight gain is a side effect for some medications. Prozac for me totally kills my libido. Each has its own side effects. As a woman, gaining weight would add to my depression! Hope you feel better very soon! It’s wintertime so I’m thinking about buying one of those Phillips blue lights/ light box therapy things.

  2. Kelly says:

    You live in a beautiful part of the country!
    do you know someone who can recommend a better doctor?
    Prayers for you.

    • I appreciate your prayers Kelly. I belong to an HMO, so I can easily say this place is inconvenient for me and go to another office, and therefore get a different shrink. I am afraid they are all like this though. Young people seem to be unwilling to step one little toe outside of the box. Those old shrinks always worked with me to find the best solution, trusting my input. ha! The good old days!

  3. Syd says:

    I hope that you will find a doctor who does listen and doesn’t treat you as a patient but as a person. Red Rocks looks fabulous. Lots of good concerts there!

  4. bambusue says:

    Thanks for posting those photos; they certainly refresh a good memory. I must confess, that was back in my drinking days, and I brought a drink of scotch to have at the place. Can’t change that; that part is the only taint to a beautiful memory.
    A word about energy: sometimes letting the doctor be a doctor, and showing patience to them, (I understand you know your history well, but obviously they don’t) may allow room for fresh energy in your interchange with someone new. It ain’t easy to get what you need in one visit, or even three, sometimes.
    I think I am sharing with you a concept about patience I needed to keep in mind myself today, so pardon if it doesn’t quite apply to you.
    loved the French restaurant; would make a good print!

    • I don’t think it would be productive to be patient with someone who won’t listen to you. One visit, exactly. I have seen this person exactly once. She seems to do all her visits on phone via RN.

  5. Hope says:

    I hope for a better doctor for you. One who listens and validates and trusts that you know your own body and who will come up with a plan that will help and not hinder. Several doctors have suggested to me that my unexplained weight loss must be from stress and wouldn’t hear me when I told them in my whole 50 years I have never lost weight during stress! Oh, it is irritating as hell to be talked right over top of.

    I recently started some medication that is supposed to help keep my cancer from coming back. I don’t feel like I am in my own skin anymore and I want the old me back. The only way to do that is to stop the medication. It’s a hard call to make.

    Prayers are going up for you MC. Thank you for continuing to show me that a person can be of service no matter how they feel or what is going on inside.

    Your top photo looks like the front of a greeting card. I quite like it.

  6. Pam says:

    I have a place in me that hurts when you hurt.

  7. atomicmomma says:

    I’m with you….I would keep doing what you are doing but I would fight for your health and be looking for another doctor. You deserve it. Don’t settle for what you are given by this staff.
    Thanks for taking the time to post the beautiful pics – of YOU and Red Rock!

  8. Thanks AM. I was quite pleased with the pics (except the one of me – where I look like a lumpy old lady)

  9. Kelly says:

    Dear Mary-
    I am sorry you are going through this right now. Last semester was the worst semester of my life and a lot of it had to do with the fact that my depression was at an all time low. It is hard to be in that place, especially when the people you need to help you (doctors) are not as helpful as we would hope they would be. I have been on a myriad of medications, switching mostly because they weren’t working, so don’t feel like you can’t push for another that will be more weight neutral. There are other meds out there. Right now I am on the edge of an incredible darkness. I hope I move away from it, but there is no real telling when it comes to depression. Keep doing the right things and hopefully you will be feeling somewhat better sooner than later.

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