Why I need friends

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One of last summer’s roses.

I was just sitting here considering what I would write.  I was deciding how much I want to share about my worsening depression and desperation about it.  Also my total lack of confidence in the care I am receiving – my psychiatrist left in October and I am having trouble with people who have only seen me in this state.  Thank God for my therapist, he knew me when I was a functioning, intelligent, funny, bright person and therefore still treats me as a “person” and not a “patient.”  A patient who is a big fat pain in the ass.

The phone rang.  It was one of my friends who just called to thank me.  To thank me for inspiring her to change her life with an active lifestyle.  I talked her into a first triathlon, and then our lunatic olympic distance triathlon last summer. I went out biking with her when she hadn’t biked since she was a kid.  We took hikes, we were in a mini-ultra, complete with water crossings up to our waist – on a cold October night!  Yes, in the dark!  Now, she has completely embraced athletics of any sort – and imagine this – she credits me with inspiring her!

I told her a bit about my week.  She commiserated.  I finally told her I thought I had lost my mind and that I have lost my cognitive function.  She told me I am one of the smartest people she knows.  She said that I am an awesome presenter – her words:  “you are not hard to look at first of all, you are so smart, you are engaging, and you are funny. You never had confidence in your presentation skills, but you are SO good.”  She also credits me with teaching her and mentoring her when we were both at the hospital.

These are probably not qualities that are gone.  They are just buried beneath a bunch of crap for now.

It is nearly 50 degrees outside, so I believe I am going to drive to a nearby mountain and take a trail run.  I will take photos, hopefully pretty – this place is not pretty in the winter.  Getting out alone could probably lift my mood.   p.s., I just saw a country music video with Red Rocks Amphitheater in the background – I am going to drive the 2 or 3 miles there and run there!  Fun!

Lord, I do not puff myself up or stare about, or walk among the great or seek wonders beyond me. — Psalm 130

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6 Responses to Why I need friends

  1. Syd says:

    Have a good run. It will lift your spirits, I think.

  2. bambusue says:

    i loved Red Rocks when I worked in Denver in the late 70s. My coworker and I went there at dawn. Willie Nelson was going to play there that night, so someone was wafting a tune around on a harmonica. I never forgot that place or that moment in time.
    Good your friend called. It is easy to get into dyssynchrony when there are big unwelcome changes in our immediate world, and then to turn that dissatisfaction onto ourselves. Hope the run was a good one…and hope you breathed out the negativity and breathed in the positivity.

  3. kberman says:

    I don’t have to go out of my home for income because I support myself by selling afghans on Etsy. So 4 months ago I decided to give up my anti-depressant. Depression has been the defining problem of my life. I used alcohol to manage the depression. So now I am a recovering alcoholic still struggling after 36+ years of sobriety with depression. I have taken same medication for 20 years but had really bad episode 4 months ago. So I figured if I was going to go off the deep end with medicine, why take it.
    1 month ago, I returned to taking one 50 mg daily. What I found out about my chronic depression is that over the 3 month period, I never slept more than 2-3 hours at a time. I don’t want to live that way. I had to take control of the whole process in order to find out about my own brand of depression. Each of us has our own brand.
    As you are changing jobs when it comes, maybe budget in a 2 week rest time. I know money is always a problem. But get the basics covered and take some time to listen to your body. It is the teacher. It will tell you what you need. Cut your dosage, etc. Experiment with it. I hope you find your level. Life is so much easier when we aren’t fighting that hopelessness–the worse feeling in the world.

  4. I have tried to find your etsy site, but haven’t been able to. I would love to see it.

    I don’t think I could make 5 grand a month on etsy, which is what I need just to live. Oh God, how I want a simpler life!

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