I was just sitting here considering what I would write. I was deciding how much I want to share about my worsening depression and desperation about it. Also my total lack of confidence in the care I am receiving – my psychiatrist left in October and I am having trouble with people who have only seen me in this state. Thank God for my therapist, he knew me when I was a functioning, intelligent, funny, bright person and therefore still treats me as a “person” and not a “patient.” A patient who is a big fat pain in the ass.
The phone rang. It was one of my friends who just called to thank me. To thank me for inspiring her to change her life with an active lifestyle. I talked her into a first triathlon, and then our lunatic olympic distance triathlon last summer. I went out biking with her when she hadn’t biked since she was a kid. We took hikes, we were in a mini-ultra, complete with water crossings up to our waist – on a cold October night! Yes, in the dark! Now, she has completely embraced athletics of any sort – and imagine this – she credits me with inspiring her!
I told her a bit about my week. She commiserated. I finally told her I thought I had lost my mind and that I have lost my cognitive function. She told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. She said that I am an awesome presenter – her words: “you are not hard to look at first of all, you are so smart, you are engaging, and you are funny. You never had confidence in your presentation skills, but you are SO good.” She also credits me with teaching her and mentoring her when we were both at the hospital.
These are probably not qualities that are gone. They are just buried beneath a bunch of crap for now.
It is nearly 50 degrees outside, so I believe I am going to drive to a nearby mountain and take a trail run. I will take photos, hopefully pretty – this place is not pretty in the winter. Getting out alone could probably lift my mood. p.s., I just saw a country music video with Red Rocks Amphitheater in the background – I am going to drive the 2 or 3 miles there and run there! Fun!
Lord, I do not puff myself up or stare about, or walk among the great or seek wonders beyond me. — Psalm 130