Why I don’t blog at night

IMG_4091This is a confessional door.  I feel like I need to be there.  This weekend I will.

If you see the post below, you will understand why I don’t blog at night.  It is best for me not to fan and feed bad feelings from the day.

My overarching point was that I feel ancient and irrelevant.  I still get surprised at my relevance in little bursts throughout this last year.  It seems to be something I now need to prove every day.  I am too old to be proving myself.  I don’t want to do it.  So I let it go, and it hurts me.  Which I understand is my pride.  When I looked at it the AA way, it was self-centered fear.  But when I look at it in terms of sin, it is pride.

If I could walk into that room today with no feelings of endangered pride, I would have a good day.  I have already prayed and ask God to remove these feelings.  Now I will put one foot in front of the other and go face another day of this.  Day 2 of 3.

Once on the spiritual journey, we begin to perceive that our emotional programs for happiness prevent us from reacting to other people and their needs.  When locked into our private worlds of narcissistic desires, we are not present to the needs of others when they seek help.  The clarity with which we see other people’s needs and respond to them is in direct proportion to our interior freedom.  — Invitation to Love, p.25, Thomas Keating.


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8 Responses to Why I don’t blog at night

  1. Syd says:

    I felt the same way the last few months before retiring. It was time for me to leave. I hope you will be able to find some happiness in knowing that you have skills and experience that the young ones lack.

    • Syd, yesterday was the first day I considered that I COULD retire in December. I wouldn’t have enough to live on, but maybe I could find another job and change my lifestyle. It is clear to me that I can’t do this anymore.

  2. atomicmomma says:

    Hi Mary. I think you are FULL of potential and completely relevant but the American Workplace, other than trying to pay your bills, is no longer a place to expend that potential. You are not alone in your feelings. So many of my friends who go to an office feel the same way – they all tell me their jobs have become this soul-destroying experience for them. So much for applying Lean, eh? You’re not alone

    • I absolutely HATE lean, and I am sure I am not the only one. Yesterday the instructor said “get the workplaces just big enough for a human body, and make them all interchangable.” I raised the question of how do PEOPLE feel when this happens. He happily proclaimed that they are much happier!

      Really? That’s just stupid.

  3. Mary LA says:

    I think you are making a difference and mentoring others in many ways. But it is hard and letting go of feelings about age, performance expectations and lack of appreciation etc is not easy. I hope today goes well for you, Mary Christine.

  4. patty says:

    Mary, my heart goes out to you today. Sending loving thoughts your way :*)

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