For some reason, as I scrolled through my photos this morning, I thought this was just a generic winter scene. It wasn’t until I posted it here that I see it is full of archers. It is disconcerting to run or bike past them, hopefully trusting in their aim.
Although I never want this blog to be about depression or medication, it has largely been just that for its short life. I thought I should provide an update on this journey.
I stopped taking all meds in mid-October. I started back on a low dosage at the end of October. After 3 days, I realized that I just did not feel right – very dark thoughts, weird and frightening dreams, and just an awful view on this life. So I stopped. I also got a new psychiatrist since the old one did some things that were hard for me to believe, having worked in psychiatry (in standards and regulations) for over 17 years. My psychologist also took the risk to suggest that I get a new shrink. I am grateful for his trust in me, that is really a risky thing to do!
I visited the new psychiatrist last week. She is a lovely soft-spoken woman from India. She agreed that I should try taking nothing – but she wants to see me in a month. Good.
I think I know what brought on the last bout of depression. I have written a thousand times about me being “high maintenance,” which means the kind of self-care I need to keep myself in good health, mental and physical. That all stopped when I took a new job in January. I think I have since learned how to incorporate this good care into my now hectic life. It is not just a pleasant little choice to make, it is not really hyperbole to call it “life and death.” I simply must or I will end up being unable to work at all.
Now I am venturing out on the sea of depression, without the life boat of antidepressants. I think I am a strong swimmer, and I have strong faith that God will get me through what he wants me to get through. It may not feel good, but life in God’s will is often uncomfortable.
Why tell you all of this? If I hadn’t first written about my depression, I would skip it. But I wrote about the depression. I wrote about my attempts at medicating it. Now I am writing about my trying to go without medications. We’ll see where it all leads me. Other folks with depression read this blog and I think I should be honest about it.
I must get ready and get out to VOTE before I get on the bus to work. What an honor and a privilege.
“Why put me to the test? Bring me a coin, and let me look at it.” And they brought one. And he said to them, “Whose likeness is this?” They said to him, “Caesar’s.” Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”