Coming Clean – Part II

For some reason, as I scrolled through my photos this morning, I thought this was just a generic winter scene.  It wasn’t until I posted it here that I see it is full of archers.  It is  disconcerting to run or bike past them, hopefully trusting in their aim.

Although I never want this blog to be about depression or medication, it has largely been just that for its short life.  I thought I should provide an update on this journey.

I stopped taking all meds in mid-October.  I started back on a low dosage at the end of October.  After 3 days, I realized that I just did not feel right – very dark thoughts, weird and frightening dreams, and just an awful view on this life.  So I stopped.  I also got a new psychiatrist since the old one did some things that were hard for me to believe, having worked in psychiatry (in standards and regulations) for over 17 years.  My psychologist also took the risk to suggest that I get a new shrink.  I am grateful for his trust in me, that is really a risky thing to do!

I visited the new psychiatrist last week.  She is a lovely soft-spoken woman from India.  She agreed that I should try taking nothing – but she wants to see me in a month.  Good.

I think I know what brought on the last bout of depression.  I have written a thousand times about me being “high maintenance,” which means the kind of self-care I need to keep myself in good health, mental and physical.  That all stopped when I took a new job in January.  I think I have since learned how to incorporate this good care into my now hectic life.  It is not just a pleasant little choice to make, it is not really hyperbole to call it “life and death.”  I simply must or I will end up being unable to work at all.

Now I am venturing out on the sea of depression, without the life boat of antidepressants.  I think I am a strong swimmer, and I have strong faith that God will get me through what he wants me to get through.  It may not feel good, but life in God’s will is often uncomfortable.

Why tell you all of this?  If I hadn’t first written about my depression, I would skip it. But I wrote about the depression. I wrote about my attempts at medicating it.  Now I am writing about my trying to go without medications.  We’ll see where it all leads me.  Other folks with depression read this blog and I think I should be honest about it.

I must get ready and get out to VOTE before I get on the bus to work.  What an honor and a privilege.

“Why put me to the test?  Bring me a coin, and let me look at it.”  And they brought one.  And he said to them, “Whose likeness is this?”  They said to him, “Caesar’s.”  Jesus said to them, “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”


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12 Responses to Coming Clean – Part II

  1. Annette says:

    I for one am so grateful for your honesty about your depression and meds or no meds. Thank goodness we all have choices and are able to do what works for us and then have the freedom to share it with others.

  2. Dave U says:

    Your honesty is admirable.
    I’m thinking an old, black Cadillac might be the answer to all of your problems.
    Maybe not.

  3. Nancy G says:

    Thanks so much for your willingness to share your ups and downs w/depression. And your struggles with faith and recovery. I read your posts on a daily basis and have grown to look forward to see where you are today. Your spirit is so encouraging!

  4. Syd says:

    I hope that your depression slinks away. And I am glad to have voted.

  5. Mary LA says:

    The right to vote is a privilege, most people in South Africa were only able to vote in 1994 and that was a tremendous event. I do hope the depression eases and I appreciate your honesty about this.

  6. Mike says:

    Thanks for your postings.I think the pain of depression was there for me as a motivator to push me to do something different. If I wanted different results I had to do something different.I found out that I was blocked from God because of my resentments, fear, and sex conduct. I did the anti depressants for years, and after losing my health coverage, I stopped taking them. Then finally after not being able to stand the pain and after praying alot for God to help me I asked a dude who I didn’t even like to take me through the process. I had a spiritual awakening, and now I have continued conscious contact with God thru prayer and meditation. That’s what works for me. No more depression. Thank God Peace

    • Mike, I am so glad that worked out so nicely for you.

      As you may know, I have been sober for over 28 years, and have worked the steps repeatedly over those years, and helped many others to do the same.

      Beyond that, all I can say is that comparisons are onerous.

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