Yesterday’s apple pie. Which cost me $30. in groceries (needed to replenish my cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice supplies), $40. in another photo ticket, I stopped my car a tad over the white line and saw the flash of the camera, I wonder if you can see me saying “f***!!!!!” in the photo – I will find out in about 2 weeks, and $10. in parking close-in to my building rather than the $3.50 parking lot I normally park in. I got to work exasperated – especially when I found out the 8:30 meeting I had rushed like a lunatic to get to had been cancelled. The e-mail went out at 8:33 and said something inane like “oooopsie!”
So, my boss asked me how I was and I told her this, and a bit about my weekend. She got serious and said “are you OK? this is all out of character for you.” I sat down and thought about it. I thought about this medication that was going to solve all the problems of mankind, and I realized that I have been feeling a little bit too jazzed up for the last week. To the point where my whole body hurts from the outrageous work I have been doing. I quickly dashed off an e-mail to my doc, who concurred that I ought to halve the dosage. Tweaking. Tweaking. Tweaking. (hmmmm, there is a reason they call them ‘tweakers’ )
Normally, I would sit down and take a bit of an inventory. I would pray. I would write down what has been going on. I would talk to my sponsor. I would ask God for help.
But when the way you “feel” is the result of pharmaceuticals, you consult with your psychiatrist and tweak medications. I really don’t like this.
Who is my higher power? Eli Lilly? My psychiatrist? A pill? A half pill? Two pills?
Today I am taking nothing because I have got to get this spinning, spinning, spinning to stop. I would have not a moment’s hesitation to say this feeling is worse than the depression. I will go back on a half dosage tomorrow, and hope for the best.
But I don’t like it.
Please don’t lecture me about the wonders of modern medicine. I worked in a psychiatric hospital for 17 + years, I saw up-close and personal the effects of these medications every single day. I don’t much like being now someone who is doing this dance.
I would be so grateful for your prayers. Thank you.
Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your mind to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words.” — Daniel 10:12