The Coast is Clear, Bring on the Nightmares!

For about a week now, I am having the same recurring nightmare.  With minor variations, but the same thing every night.  I am back with my violent ex-husband.  He is being violent.  My daughters are with me, sometimes my son too, but always my daughters, they are little, they are wearing pretty little nightgowns.  I have to get them to safety.  Through tremendous peril.  In my dreams, I haven’t gotten out yet.  I wake up and look around and thank God from the bottom of my heart that I got out.  That I have a nice, honest, clean life.  I am no longer sharing a bed with someone who steals from me, sabotages me, and tries to kill me.

Twenty years later.  I think it took twenty years for my psyche to know that I am safe enough to think about this.  And that’s OK.  I am safe enough to think about this.  I am feeling well and secure and not terribly afraid.

I cannot believe I lived through that experience.  I remember one time shouting “HELP” out the window because he would not let me leave.  That night, he had already broken my wrist and caused other, less serious, injuries – but he wasn’t done with me yet.  I finally broke away, got out of the house, and walked miles on a dirt road before someone took pity on me and drove me to the hospital.

Today my life is a dream of paradise compared with this hell I lived.

Thank you Lord!

I will sing of your mercies O Lord, for ever; with my mouth I will proclaim your faithfulness to all generations.  For your merciful love was established for ever, you faithfulness is firm as the heavens.  — Psalm 89:1-2


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13 Responses to The Coast is Clear, Bring on the Nightmares!

  1. luluberoo says:

    This is important to talk/post about. The women I meet at the shelter have multiple problems, and a violent relationship is often one of them. They need encouragement to get away from abusers. More than that, they need a PLACE to run to and be safe. The shelters where I live depend completely on donations (since they are faith based, they must). The women there feel helpless, and feel they have no choice. When others are open about “getting away” it gives them hope and empowerment.

    • For one in a violent relationship, there is tremendous pressure to “get away,” but usually absolutely no help available to do so. When you ask for help, you get lectures and stern warnings instead of any kind of encouragement. And I feel I must say that I was in that marriage for another 2 years after the incident I reference here.

  2. Annette says:

    Those are the kind of stories my mom had to tell. My God….its so sad Mary. For you and for my mom and for your girls if they ever saw any of that. Sheer terror. I am so sorry. ((HUG))
    Lou is right… are brave to share and you just don’t know who might be reading here who needed to hear that you did get away and you did survive and you went on to create a beautiful life for yourself.

    • I’m sorry to hear about your mom. My girls never ever saw it. Thank God.

      I finally left when I could see that the marriage was effecting my daughter. That was the only thing that could budge me.

  3. Chenai says:

    Hey Mary! How is your back today? I am so excited for your race and was worried about your last post. I can totally relate to your experience of loving the security in your life now. I am an alcoholic, but also the daughter of violent and often cruel alcoholics. I am 28 years old now and have not lived in their house for 10 years, but it took me a long time not to feel anxious or paranoid at night, which is when he would drink and take out his anger on the family. I have to remind myself its okay. I also sometimes have nightmares where it is happening again, but feel such relief to wake up and know I am okay.

    Thank you for writing the blog!

    • It is good to hear from you Chenai! I am sorry you had to live through that childhood, but you are a survivor and it sounds like you have gone a long way towards healing. It is the best feeling to wake up from a nightmare and see that you are safe and not living in that hell. Thank God.

  4. Hope says:

    I felt sad when I read about your broken wrist. I’m glad your spirit is not broken. I once saw one of my mom’s female drinking buddies beat her up. It was awful. I felt so powerless.

    • I am so sorry you had to see that. What a terrible, horrible thing alcoholism is. I have heard it say that it is the only disease that kills people who don’t have it. And it does a number on us when we are growing up too.

  5. Grateful to be alive and to have bloggers like you where I continue to find encouragement and acceptance!

  6. sydlaughs says:

    So terrible that people abuse others who love them. And the abuser–I wonder if that person ever understood what love is or is even capable of loving. Sociopathic behavior is really hard to understand. I am glad that you are safe today and enjoying life. You don’t have to ever go back to anything like that.

  7. Mary LA says:

    I’m so glad you survived that trauma — and I’m not surprised it still gives you nightmares.

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