The fear descended last evening. I don’t know why, but for some reason, this 9/11 anniversary seems ominous. Literally, I am frightened. I have and will continue to pray. Perhaps I can get to Mass at lunch, but for some reason, my meetings seem to be scheduled close enough to noon to make it impossible for me.
My daughter texted last night. She had moved in with a friend who has been a true blue friend since the first time she went to NA, many years ago. But after living with her for a week, she needs to get out of there. My daughter is in a fragile condition right now. She is sober over 3.5 years, but has had great difficulty in her sobriety. She has nowhere to live and no way (for now) to make a living. I asked her if she wanted to come here and she quickly said “yes.” Which is very out of character for her. She doesn’t normally want to live with her mother.
She has a bulldog.
I am terrified of dogs. She has nowhere else to take him and she loves him. I am terrified of dogs. I met this dog once and I was terrified of him. Tonight he could be living here.
I prayed before I went to sleep last night. As I slept, I dreamed about petting this dog and not being afraid.
At the end of the day, I do not want to be defined by my fears. I do not want to be ruled by my fears. I do not want my fears to draw red lines around my life that cannot be crossed. And I want to be there for my family.
She said she would call me as soon as she wakes up this morning. I will tell her that moving in here will have to be provisional. If I cannot live comfortably with the dog, I cannot have the dog in my house. But I will try.
It was at a company picnic that a little boy and I decided to take a walk. I was five. My memories are vague. We walked up a road. I believe we had to lift a chain with a sign on it that crossed the beginning of the road. We could not read. We did not know that the sign said “No Trespassing – Guard Dogs.” We found out pretty quickly. All I remember is the bunch of German Shepherds coming at us. Then being at the hospital with a nice doctor explaining a rabies shot to me (but I didn’t need to have it). I have tried and tried and tried over the years to not be afraid of dogs. When I get to know a dog, I am usually fine. But the sight of a dog causes a fear in me that is instinctive. Oh, how I wish it would go away.
For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I will help you.” — Isaiah 41:13