Yesterday did not turn out as I planned. I was so looking forward to watching football all day. This is what I have done for years. After the first quarter of the first football game, I got bored. Bored. I thought about my ex-husband calling a day when you didn’t do anything “a wasted day.” It always irritated me because I get so tired, I need “wasted days.” In fact, sometimes I wonder if that wasn’t some of the utility in my drinking – the days of hangovers where I was forced to my bed until sunset. Not that I would care to repeat that, mind you.
I even missed an extremely exciting (I hear) game of my beloved Broncos. I just could not sit on that sofa and watch football. I am going to have to make some other plans for the next five months, because this will not work for me! Or maybe when it gets cold and blustery, it will have more appeal. But not now.
I seem to be more acutely aware of time elapsing. I am certain it is my age. Mary LA posted something about this today.
All the years spent getting sober – all the countless hours in meetings and service – when I had a family at home missing me. That hurts me to my soul. I know I had to devote some time to it, but ALL of my time? To the exclusion of the important things in my life? I don’t think so. And I wish to God someone could have told me. But no, they admired me for it. And I hate to admit it, but I LOVED that admiration.
The next decade was all about my education. “Making up for lost time.” My bachelor’s degree at 48. My master’s on the day after my 50th birthday. And so it was for that decade. While I had teenagers and young adults.
And then it was my so-called-career.
And now my oldest granddaughter is a young lady, a pre-teen officially. And still, I look at her and think of the times I was off running instead of spending time with her. Time that can never be gotten again.
BUT! I have a tiny grandbaby who DOES know me well. I will do everything in my power with this one and her little-brother-on-the-way to be in their lives. To be a grandmother for reals.
I thank God for my health so far. Some people at my age already are stuck with poor health and an extremely limited horizon. I would give myself credit for all my efforts, but you know, when you are the one with poor health, it sucks when others are patting themselves on the back for their fortune. So much of it is fortune. So I will thank God for my fortune – and then keep on keeping on with my efforts – my way of showing my gratitude.
Enough out of me this morning! Have a great one.
For he will give his angels charge of you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. You will tread on the lion and the adder, the young lion and the serpent you will trample under foot. — Psalm 91:11-13