Feast of the Assumption

On this Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, my heart is heavy. What else is new, you may say, and that is OK.

On this day in 1967, I gave birth to a baby girl, and I named her Mary Catherine.  I was 15 years old.  I never got to hold her, she was whisked away from me, and ten days later, given to a “good family.”  I had no idea then that it would not matter how old I got, this memory would still be as sharp and pointy as new – never dulled by the years.

We have “found” each other twice over the years.  Each discovery ended painfully.  Last year on April 30, she sent me a text asking me to “please do us both a favor and forget I’d ever existed.  I’d thank you for life itself, but the fact is there weren’t a real lot of options in 1967.”  The text went on from there, but you get the idea.

So, on this day in 2012, at the age of 60, I am still second-guessing myself.  Should I have recognized her pain in that text and reached out to her?  I didn’t.  I let it be.  I respected her wishes.  The truth is, I really don’t want her in my life.  She is mean, deliberately offensive, and inconsiderate.  Truth be told?  I am afraid of what she would do to my other children.  She tried to hurt me by calling them my “REAL” children, but they ARE my real children.  I raised them.  I love them.  I know them.  My alcoholic daughter understands me on a very profound level, and so I confided in her about this.  She had talked to Mary on the phone and agreed with me.  She said that Mary is a drug addict and very bizarre and that it would be scary to have her around – and this is a girl who LOVES felons, she can’t get enough of them!

The bottom line is:  I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant at the age of 14, but I did.  I am glad I gave birth to the child instead of aborting her – and there WERE “*choices” in 1967.  I believe I fulfilled my obligation to this child when I arranged to have a family adopt her.  Truly, I do.  If she wanted to play nice, I would be happy to have her as a part of my life.  If I were alone, I would probably have a relationship with her anyway.  But I have a family, I have a family I am still a part of.  I have a family I have made commitments to.  I believe this baby, now 47 years old, would cause untold grief to my REAL family, and I will do all in my power to prevent that from happening.

Thank God it is 2012.  Thank God I am 60 instead of 15.  Thank God he has seen fit to keep me around and living and learning all these years.

A great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, and the mood beneath her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars.  — Revelation 12:1

*What a horrible euphemism, to call the ability to have a baby ripped from your womb a “choice”.

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17 Responses to Feast of the Assumption

  1. Pam says:

    It seems you are such a convenient scape goat for her. If she lets it go, she may have to face her addictions. For what its’ worth, I think you have done the right thing at every turn. From where I sit, your side of the street is clean. Having said all that….I’m sorry you’re in pain my Mary.

  2. Syd says:

    I’m sure that this is painful for both her and you. Nothing about this is easy. You know to do the next right thing.

  3. mike says:

    You’ve done good. Great post.

  4. shadowlands says:

    I’ll pray as well.

    Scripture says we see through a mirror lit dimly on this earth. Maybe we ‘relate’ to others through that same dimly lit mirror?
    I always view life in this way. It’s why I chose the name ‘shadowlands’ in the first place!

    C S Lewis said ‘we live in the Shadowlands, only seeing a shadow of God’s greatness in all his creation.’

    ALL of my relationships have needed/need ongoing healing. Personally, I don’t believe I will have achieved this wholeness with others, before I die. Our Lady told St Bernadette ‘I cannot promise you happiness in this world, only in the next.’ Sentences like that encourage me, they make it all right to keep trying but not worry about outcomes this side of eternity. I’m simply sewing seeds, hopefully more good ones than bad. I have relations I don’t contact, for fear of being misunderstood or even bullied. It hurts, but I have a primary purpose to keep in mind, in order to stay alive!

    God bless Mary C.

    PS. today would be my wedding anniversary (I’m divorced now).

  5. Lou says:

    I don’t know. It makes me sad.

    I made some serious mistakes between 15 and 18. I wish I could change things from that part of my life. I didn’t believe (or understand) that prayer would give me the answers I so desperately sought. It’s a privilege to know better now.

  6. Dave U says:

    No words of wisdom from me. You did what you needed at the time and we shall not regret the past. It’s all part of your journey on this planet.

  7. Mary LA says:

    So heartbreaking Mary Christine — you’ve posted about this before and I know how much pain this has caused you. I hope your eldest daughter finds her way to a better life and some peace.

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