I guess you could call this “grasping at straws,” or you could say that I am practiced in the art of gratitude. To sit in that back row of my home group and feel so comfortable and safe – I just had to take a photo of that – no one’s identity was compromised. But I know who they are. The man with the curly hair in front is someone I have known since July 24, 1984. He was only 26 years old then. I was 32. That’s a long dang time to know someone. I am more grateful than words can express to have people like him in my life and have a place to go where I belong.
I drove to work yesterday for the first time in at least a month. I found it stressful and expensive. I have grown to love riding the bus. I sit down and know I have about 20 minutes to read, to knit, to listen to music, to play Words with Friends or Draw Something, to listen to a book. Or to just sit and look out the window. I really enjoy that time.
I have to make some changes so that I can enjoy as much of my life as possible. I have created a world full of barbed wire and broken glass. Not a bed of roses.
Last week I came to my very own realization – it is unreasonable to live a life that is not bearable and expect antidepressants to fix that. I get up too early in the morning. I schedule no time for exercising any more. I have even gotten into poor eating habits (last night I had popcorn for dinner). I sit at my desk and work through lunch. Etc. Etc. Etc. I have chosen this! I did not need to.
I am going to take a vacation and when I come home make a new plan. A plan to work with what I have got and make it the best I can. My co-worker loves her job, she hasn’t attached the emotional garbage to it that I have. I can unattach the garbage and move forward. I WILL put exercise back into my daily life. I will eat well. I will go out for lunch. I will make time for the things in life I love. I will also learn to love the things in my life – like the backs of heads in a meeting or on the bus. And I have decided to do everything humanly possible to get out of debt and retire when I am 65. That alone makes me feel 100% better.
I stopped the antidepressant last week. It wasn’t working. I don’t like taking medication. Honestly, I feel better without the meds. I am still depressed, but the anxiety is gone. The anxiety was so bad I was finding it hard to face the world each day – I was terrified about what was going to happen next. I cannot live a spiritual existence when I am feeling like that. I will work with what God has given me.
Please don’t extrapolate this into saying that YOU shouldn’t take any medications. I am just saying that right at this moment in my life I can see no reason to take a medication that was making me feel worse.
I better get going so I can catch that nice bus!
Ask and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. — Matthew 7:7