Backs of Heads

At my home group

On my favorite bus

I guess you could call this “grasping at straws,” or you could say that I am practiced in the art of gratitude.  To sit in that back row of my home group and feel so comfortable and safe – I just had to take a photo of that – no one’s identity was compromised.  But I know who they are.  The man with the curly hair in front is someone I have known since July 24, 1984.  He was only 26 years old then.  I was 32.  That’s a long dang time to know someone.  I am more grateful than words can express to have people like him in my life and have a place to go where I belong.

I drove to work yesterday for the first time in at least a month.  I found it stressful and expensive.  I have grown to love riding the bus.  I sit down and know I have about 20 minutes to read, to knit, to listen to music, to play Words with Friends or Draw Something, to listen to a book.  Or to just sit and look out the window.  I really enjoy that time.

I have to make some changes so that I can enjoy as much of my life as possible.  I have created a world full of barbed wire and broken glass.  Not a bed of roses.

Last week I came to my very own realization – it is unreasonable to live a life that is not bearable and expect antidepressants to fix that.  I get up too early in the morning.  I schedule no time for exercising any more.  I have even gotten into poor eating habits (last night I had popcorn for dinner).  I sit at my desk and work through lunch.  Etc. Etc. Etc.  I have chosen this!  I did not need to.

I am going to take a vacation and when I come home make a new plan.  A plan to work with what I have got and make it the best I can.  My co-worker loves her job, she hasn’t attached the emotional garbage to it that I have.  I can unattach the garbage and move forward.  I WILL put exercise back into my daily life.  I will eat well.  I will go out for lunch.  I will make time for the things in life I love.  I will also learn to love the things in my life – like the backs of heads in a meeting or on the bus.  And I have decided to do everything humanly possible to get out of debt and retire when I am 65.  That alone makes me feel 100% better.

I stopped the antidepressant last week.  It wasn’t working.  I don’t like taking medication.   Honestly, I feel better without the meds.  I am still depressed, but the anxiety is gone.  The anxiety was so bad I was finding it hard to face the world each day – I was terrified about what was going to happen next.  I cannot live a spiritual existence when I am feeling like that.  I will work with what God has given me.

Please don’t extrapolate this into saying that YOU shouldn’t take any medications.  I am just saying that right at this moment in my life I can see no reason to take a medication that was making me feel worse.

I better get going so I can catch that nice bus!

Ask and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you.  — Matthew 7:7

This entry was posted in Depression, Faith, Gratitude, History, Training. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Backs of Heads

  1. Kelly says:

    This post contains so much wisdom that I can take away and apply to my own life. Thank you for that. And — Yayyy! –that you are in this frame of mind.

  2. luluberoo says:

    having trouble logging in with my netbook,,;)
    testing, testing

  3. Syd says:

    Sounds as if you are going to make some positive changes. That sounds good.

  4. Pingback: R & R | just to be is a blessing

  5. Lou, I don’t even know what a pingback is. How did you figure that out?

  6. Pam says:

    This has inspired me this morning!
    Hoping you are already having fun with your sister.

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