Dread and Faith

Boulder Creek

I am devoid of ideas this morning.  I woke with a start at 3:30 a.m., thinking about the IRS and the dental work I need.  I did not go back to sleep after that!   Anyone who says “money doesn’t buy happiness” never spent nights awake wondering how they will pay for the bare necessities of life.  Money may not buy happiness per se, but it will ease some of the nagging worries of life – like where the money will come from to keep teeth in my mouth and how I will get the IRS off my back.

I dreamed last night I was in prison.   The person who drove me there tricked me and did not tell me where I was going, therefore I didn’t have appropriate clothing and horror of horrors!  I had my iPhone, but not the charger.  Someone asked me why I was there and I said “child support.”  In my mind, I must still be in my 30s or 40s, when I labored to pay off my child support, while my daughter and I went hungry, as her dad, the recipient of the $$, was buying Cadillacs and building a second home in the mountains.

At that time, I looked at what I could get rid of to save the most money, and it was my automobile.  People said I was crazy, but I turned my little old Audi back to the buy here/pay here lot, canceled my insurance, stopped buying gas.  I bought a bus pass, which was cheap because I was a student.  I got everywhere by bus, bicycle, or foot.  It was very liberating.  My daughter and I would make grocery lists with the desired item, on one column the estimated cost, and on another the estimated weight.  You have to think these things through when you are using public transportation.

And I paid every last cent of the child support.  Although it took many years.

Somehow I will get through this too.  It is just disappointing because I didn’t expect to be in this condition in my 60s.  But I am.  I have taken pay cuts four years running, inflation is out of control, and all this has been compounded by some bad decisions I have made.

When I say I trust that God will get me through this, I think maybe people think I am expecting him to parachute a check for $10,000 into my lap.  That is not it at all (although I won’t rule out the miraculous money, because it has happened before).  I know that God will see me through whatever situation I find myself in.

In order to remain spiritually free men, we must live in truth.  To live in truth means to bear witness to it to the outside world at all times and in all situations.  The truth is unchangeable.  It cannot be destroyed by any decree or law… Courageous witnessing to the truth leads directly to freedom.  A man who witnesses to the truth can be free even though he might be in prison.”  — Blessed Jerzy Popieluszko

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12 Responses to Dread and Faith

  1. Dave U says:

    I totally understand and appreciate where you’re coming from.

  2. Syd says:

    And we are among the fortunates on earth. I see how it is possible for many without jobs and houses to become totally despondent.

  3. luluberoo says:

    Actually, I think everyone would benefit from being car less for a year. Where I live there is no reliable, clean, or safe public transportation (some believe this was engineered by the auto companies), yet at least 1/2 million people need transportation just so they can get to work. It’s a vicious circle for many.
    You became more appreciative and humble. I sometimes think the only way we humans learn to be grateful for what we have, is to be brought to our knees.

  4. mommaof3 says:

    Your faith and the freedom with which you speak of it is water to my soul-

  5. Mary LA says:

    You will come through this.Mary Christine. Many prospects I dreaded never happened or turned out well and I always remind myself of that.

    • Thanks Mary. I agree that most of the things I have worried about have never even happened. But I do have a real bill from the IRS and a real tooth (front tooth) rotting out of my head. ick. In the scheme of things, these are not insurmountable problems, I will find a way, with God’s help.

  6. Pam says:

    Your past spells out your strength and courage, so at least you don’t have to worry if you’ve “got it in you” to weather the storm.

    • Someone at my home group recently reminded me of this particular chapter in my life. I had completely forgotten. I need to remember more often who I really am and where I have really been.

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