Yesterday was payday. I get paid once a month, so payday is a big deal. This is my Christmas paycheck. I purchased a little tabletop Christmas tree, see photo. I thought I would let it sit outside until I bring it in and decorate it, but I may be reconsidering. Wouldn’t that thing be adorable right where it is, with a strand of solar lights on it? I would also like one in the front of my house, where a rose bush is, rose bushes really only shine in the summer, unless you let those rose hips turn red and luscious! I will probably do neither one of these things, but I like to dream.
My icon teacher/mentor offered to meet me before our workshop today to help me with my seemingly ruined icon. My first reaction? No! I can’t possibly! I have my running group at 8, I won’t be done with that until 9:30, then I have to drive across town to get home, bathe, dress, and drive to the other side of town to get to the church! No!
Then I reconsidered: a lovely woman has offered to help me. She is selflessly offering up time out of her busy schedule to offer her expertise which I so sorely need. The only reasonable response is a grateful “Yes! Thank You!” And so, that was how I responded. Reminding myself once again that my first response is usually better kept to myself until I have had time to process it through a spiritual lens rather than my self-lens which is mostly just gross.
And then there was the friend who wanted to go to a movie with me this afternoon. I called her and told her that I can’t go, that I would love to go tomorrow, but can’t decline this offer of help on my icon. So, that’s what we’ll do.
As soon as I awoke this morning, the wheels of my brain started spinning…. if I get out of the house by 7, I can get home by 8:30, and get my miles in…. if I get on the treadmill by 8, I can be done by 9:30…..and on and on and on and on. Then I thought – I truly don’t feel particularly well this morning. Who has a whip, telling me I must run this morning? Oh, that would be me. Instead I made a delightful breakfast called “Sweet Inca Porridge,” consisting of quinoa, rolled oats, chopped dates, and some spices all cooked together. It is so wonderfully sweet from the dates! I’m sitting in front of the fireplace blogging. I feel like such a rebel!
These choices… I used to feel so grateful that I could make these choices and therefore keep myself in “balance” and not depressed. The last bout of depression changed all my previous notions of what depression even is. This, after a lifetime of living with it and mostly “managing” it.
I did not “manage” myself into feeling better and therefore being capable of better choices. And when I asked God for help, I guess he sent me help by way of a little East Indian psychiatrist with her prescription pad. It pains me to say this. But it is true. And I am so unbelievably grateful for the lifting of that awful tortuous cloud.
I used to see depression as something that lived within me. I thought I was well-practiced a living with it and keeping it at bay somewhat. Not totally, but mostly.
In the last six months or so, I have come to see depression as something external from myself. It is an invader. It should not be allowed to reside within me. It is evil and horrible. If I can find a pill to make it go away, and I seem to have finally, I will take that and thank God for it. Please God, may I never feel that way again. Please.
And of course, then I think of Job. I think of him as uncomplaining – but when I read this book again, I see that Job complains bitterly of his fate.
Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. – Job 1:21