May I vent?

IMG_7812There is too much good stuff going on and I am completely and totally overwhelmed.  I have a migraine too.  My left eye is swollen and dripping, which is what happens when I have a migraine.  I feel brain damaged.

The friend who was the best man at my first wedding, now 44 years ago, is coming to have lunch with me.  I cannot wait to see him.  We have stayed in touch all these years.  I have written about him before.  His friendship means the absolute world to me.  I hope that once I get out of this house I will chill out and enjoy our time together.

My nephew, who I adore, is in town and is coming for Easter brunch tomorrow.  I was not going to cook, but now I am.  I feel completely unable to cook right now, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get to Easter Mass and still have brunch on the table at 11 or shortly thereafter.

My neighbor decided to fix my fence today.  You all know I love, love, love my neighbor.  Her help has been invaluable to me over the years.  But this morning I had to go tell her that I appreciate her help, more than words can say, but I cannot cannot cannot help her today.  She said that’s OK with her.  I can hear her hammering right now and I just have to be OK with that, because there is no way on God’s green earth that I  can help her in this state and with my schedule.

Yesterday I spoke up about a co-worker and almost immediately regretted it.  I am so worried about him.  Once I spoke up, it was like a light bulb for my boss, and his boss, and then the director.  Everyone has noticed things, but no one has said anything.  I am scared for him.  And I am fighting feeling like I betrayed him.  I know that there is not one tiniest bit of bad intent,  I am just worried and expressed it.   But I remember how I felt last year when my co-workers went to my boss – I was devastated and felt so betrayed.

Too many things rolling around in my addled pain struck brain.  I know that most of them are not only good, but very good.  I will just focus on my breathing and the fact that I am loved.

And thank God for his miracles.

 

 

Posted in Family, Food, Gratitude, Mass | 4 Comments

Holy Thursday

At my desk, eating lunch.


- I am feeling so disconnected to Holy Week this year. I just asked for a couple if hours off tomorrow afternoon so I can go to church on Good Friday.
 
 Last year I was so present in Lent & Holy Week. It was a time of miracles in my life. I still marvel at what happened.
 
 Now I am in the plum job of a lifetime and realizing I am just done & don’t want to do this anymore. There is no drama, no huge deals, I just don’t wanna.
 
 I need to get myself to church to get some perspective. When I consider Christ’s passion, it makes all of my concerns small. It also causes me to feel loved in a way I have difficulty putting into words.
 
 And of course I think of Judas Iscariot. Is there a more reviled name in history? (hitler and Stalin come to mind.). How could someone make such a terrible choice? I can relate to poor choices, but this one is beyond the pale.
 
 Please forgive my errors and auto corrections. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello.
 
 Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

On Wednesday Morning

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Hard to tell what this is a photo of, I will happily tell you.  While knitting with the great knitters at the yarn shop on Friday night, we lifted the blinds when the sun went down and saw this car!  We had all seen this “parking place” between the two cars, and realized it was much too small and driven by.  The driver of this Saab didn’t see it that way at all.  He wedged himself between the two cars, actually bumping them so he would squeeze in.  His bumper was touching both of the cars.  The proprietor of the ice cream store next door confronted him, and he said “That’s what bumpers are for!”  The ice cream guy took the guy’s license plate number and put it on both windshields.  I think that guy might be in trouble.

Yesterday I did my taxes.  Yessiree, April 15 is the day I normally do my taxes. I sent in my federal and state returns without the money that should have been attached.  Awesome.  I am hopeful we can just tack the amount owed for 2013 onto the amount I am still paying for 2012.  Perhaps I should write a book on how NOT to manage your money.

I should have a good couple of days at work.  I have a bunch of stuff to write.  I like to write.  I wrote something earlier this week and felt good about it.  It seemed to be appreciated and I was asked to send it out to a much larger audience this afternoon.  Then writing plans for how to get the hospital ready for survey next year.  That is my strength.  It is what I am good at and what I like to do.

Other than that, exhaustion seems to be my new way of life.  I know it is because I am not working out regularly.

It is Holy Week and I am grateful.  Last year through Lent and Easter, I was having tumultuous times and deep spiritual experiences.  Those have now become part of the “new normal.”  I will never forget though.  I am grateful to be where I am.  This year I think it has finally dawned on me that I really am at the end of my career and I am a little bit readier each day to retire.  Big change.  It is good.  It is life.

 

Posted in Aging, Faith, Knitting, Work | 3 Comments

Watching my garden die.

IMG_6093This morning I fed the cat at 4:45 and went back to sleep for nearly 4 hours!  I slept until 8:30 – and then stayed in bed until 9:30.  It is now 1:30, and it feels like it should be around 9:00 a.m.  And actually I wish it was.  I don’t like missing half the day laying around in bed!

It was raining when I woke up earlier.  Now it is snowing.  There are icicles coating everything, so I think my garden is toast.  I will just replant.  But my lilacs are probably going to have another year when their little buds get frozen before they ever bloom.  In the past I have found these weather events devastating, I don’t anymore.  It is the cycle of life.  I don’t think people are really meant to live a suburban life in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.  I should have native aspen trees, and some yucca in my yard.  They would thrive.   All this other stuff doesn’t belong here and I shouldn’t expect growing them to be easy.

Last night I went to the Palm Sunday vigil mass.  It was gorgeous.  The Mass began outdoors, in the 70 degree evening, and processed into church.  So wonderful.  And I am so glad I went last night and didn’t have to stand outside in the rain/snow/sleet, and 30 degrees.

I’m grateful today that I can stay at home.  I have so many projects going – sour dough bread rising, sour dough starter replenished and growing.  Made yogurt yesterday, divided it into 8 oz. jars this morning to last the week.  This morning I made granola, which is just wonderful.  I will have a grilled vegetable pizza later, on that wonderful sour dough pizza crust.

The heat’s blasting, the gas fireplace is on, my home is warm and comfortable.  Little Niya the kitty is getting more and more comfortable here.

Niya's bed

Niya's face

 

Posted in Cat, Garden, Weather | 14 Comments

Finding a Path

IMG_7803This is the front flower bed where my favorite tulips and rose bushes live.  I spruced it up last week with mulch (@ $2 a bag!).  It was formerly rocks on top of weed barrier.  I managed to finally get all of the weed barrier up (it has taken me years to get it all), and get most of the rocks up.  I think this is so much prettier.

I want to thank my readers who posted comments this week.  I cannot tell you what that means to me.  I appreciate it.

My approach to getting through these next two years may be much like the mulch on top of the already existing flower bed.  Find ways to “spruce-up” my work life without it being a total overhaul.

Yesterday I did something I would normally not do.  I responded to an inflammatory e-mail with a distribution of about 30 people, at least 15 of whom were upper management, all the way up the food chain.  I wrote a rather terse response, stating that we cannot just “decide” to move forward with something the congress, senate, and president just voted to postpone for a year.  Are you kidding me?  As I clicked “send,” I said to myself  “let the s**t storm begin.”  But it didn’t.  Later in the day others backpedaled and said “of course, that was what I meant.”  yeah right.  I would normally quietly work behind the scenes, not publicly call someone out like that because I just think that is bad manners.  So, I did it, and the world didn’t end.  And I guess people needed to know that we can’t just pretend we don’t know what’s going on.

I think I am done “playing nice.”  Which is contrary to what I decided last week = that I would just go to work every day and smile and know that I would soon leave.  I am not much of a faker.

We’ll see.  I got to go to Adoration last night and instead of reading scripture and praying the Rosary, I asked God to just let me rest in Him.   I sat (instead of kneeling) quietly for one hour.  Just resting in the presence of my Creator.

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I love this chapel.

It is only getting into the 40s at night now, so for the last two nights, I have slept with the window open.  What a difference that makes in my sleep!  It is wonderful.  And at 4:30 a.m., my little cat comes and starts terrorizing me, walking across my hair on the pillow (ow!) rubbing her cold, wet nose on my face, batting my nose with her paw, walking across my breasts (ow!)  My eldest granddaughter met her the other night and called her a “furry terrorist.”  I guess she has the family gift of coming up with the most outlandish words!  I love it.

It’s FRIDAY!  woooooo hooooooooo!

 

 

Posted in Cat, Faith, Garden, Prayer, Rest, Work | 2 Comments

Carrying on…

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This is my homemade compost bin.  I hope it works.  It sure was fun drilling all those holes into a perfectly good 20 gallon trash can.  I am really enjoying decreasing my footprint by disposing of organic waste into the bin!

I am having lunch with my boss today.  If it sounds like I have two bosses, it is because I do.  My immediate supervisor is someone who knows absolutely nothing about my department or anything about it.  He is, however, a seasoned manager, is very intelligent, and has great judgement.  He is also my friend.  His boss is someone who has been my friend, has supervised this department for about a decade, although she is certainly not an expert on it.  I am the only expert in our organization.

Yesterday I told my immediate supervisor (and friend) that I don’t want to do this anymore.  That I don’t know how I am going to get through the next couple of years.  He is also in the same place, and I think he has found a way to manage his own post-career career.  We will talk.  I hope he can help me to change my attitude.  Because I really don’t want to do this anymore.

There have been two other times that I have crossed days off of calendars. The last time was when I was getting my masters degree. I had the days numbered till graduation, and posted on a white board outside my office.  Then 9/11 came along, and I looked at those numbers and thought of the 3,000 souls who would have loved to have those days to live – even if they were in school!  I erased the countdown that day.  I don’t believe in wasting days counting down to something.  For all I know, I won’t live that long.

But I don’t want my haste today to cause my elder years to be lived just on the edge of survival.  I got a decent raise last year, and I will get another this summer.  Every year I work my retirement income increases by 2.5%.   If I retired right now, I would get 47.5% of my annual salary, based on an average of the highest 3 years of my salary.  In September, it will be 50%, and on and on.  I had thought I would work until I am 70, but unless something changes drastically, I don’t want to do that.  I will make my goal 65, and then find a way to enjoy it.

I am not “doing time.”  I am living my life.  It is up to me to find a way to bring an attitude of joy to it.  All of my old mechanisms no longer work.  I found the ones that worked through my forties and fifties, I can find new ones.  Please God.

I don’t know if anyone beyond the two or three faithful commenters reads this blog much anymore.  If you are reading, I want to thank you for hanging around while I process this huge upheaval in my life.

I have to keep remembering that God is with me, he has worked many many astounding wonders in my life, and he can again.  I just need to have faith.

 

Posted in Aging, Faith, Work | 18 Comments

Back to Work

 

IMG_7805Yes, my tulips have made their way through another winter and are in bloom.  They are such a delightful flower, so hardy, and pretty.

Back to work this morning after five days of blissful vacation.  I really need to continue until I am 65.  That is just a little over 2.5 years.   I have never not wanted to go back to work after a few days off.  But right now I would be delighted to stay home and clean and knit.  That is what I would love to do today.

I don’t know what will happen.  I can plan anything I want, that doesn’t mean it will happen.  For now, it seems like working until December 1, 2016 is the most reasonable thing to do.  One day at a time.

I used to be able to provide myself artificial goals.  I would register for a race months out and then train for it.  I would focus on that race as if it were the sole purpose of my life.  I loved that. If I needed to travel to get to the race, all the better.  I would have laser focus.  I am currently registered for a race in June that I think I may bail on.  I just don’t care.  I don’t think I want to do it.  No one is doing it with me, my triathlon days may be as over as my marathon days are.  That is not what I want to do with my life.

What the heck DO I want to do with my life?  I am not sure.  I know that working is no longer what it used to be in my life.

This is sort of like trying to know “what I want to be when I grow up” in reverse.  I want to be a post-grown up, I just have to figure out how to have enough money to do so in relative comfort.

I’ll tell you what I am grateful for:

  • I got sober when I was 32 years old
  • It took about 10 years to get well enough to get and keep a job
  • I got a job with a 401K and fixed benefit retirement
  • For most of those years, I really loved my job
  • I will have 20 years on the job in September
  • I CAN retire any time I want, but it would be smarter to wait
  • And most of all the Hand of a Loving God who will guide me even when I try to not let Him.  I just have to listen and be willing.  And I think I can do that.

 

 

Posted in Aging, Faith, Work | 5 Comments